bleak

 tw; depression, suicide, the whole shebang !!!!

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hello folks! its been a bit. a lot has happened... none of which is particularly surprising.

i dropped out of college. it was long overdue, honestly. i didn't like my major or the college experience in general; i've practically wasted the last 1.5 years. i'm not sure what i'll do now... community college and a part time job is really the only option, i've been told. 

i'm currently visiting relatives in a different state and it's been really rough. i've realized a lot of things and they've made my already dreary view of the future even more dismal. 

1. i don't like my dad. 

he tries, he really does, and i'd be wrong to say he is completely malicious in his actions. but he has trauma from his childhood he has NEVER dealt with, and it warps his current views. he's just unpleasant. he switches between empathy and stone coldness. i hate confiding in him about anything - fears, interests, etc - because i know he's just going to use it against me in the future. he makes things awful, and even when he has good advice, i feel so deeply compelled not to follow it because it almost never feels like it's coming from compassion (even though he's stated that it is)... it just feels malicious. he makes me deeply unhappy; i don't want to live with him anymore. 

2. i don't really feel welcome at my mom's.

previously, up until yesterday or today, i've been comforted by the idea that i could simply.. live with my mom. she lives in a townhouse with my sister, 15 minutes from my dad (they are in the process of getting divorced). i lived with her over this past summer when my dad essentially kicked me out (though he vehemently denies this). it was really wonderful and i loved spending time with her; i feel so much more open to following her advice because she is always firm but understanding. 

but it was never going to be a permanent thing and she made this clear throughout the summer (in a nice way, of course). the expectation was that i was going to return to my dad's. i don't think she has time to deal with both me and my sister. i'm undoubtedly a burden when i'm there as anything more than a guest. she and my sister essentially have their own lives together now and i don't want to infringe on that. 

and so i am STUCK. i genuinely cannot imagine continuing to live with my father, but i know i will be such a pain to my mother. i'm deeply distraught. the ONE !!! fuckin' thing keeping me going, good ol' vidyo games, are just a time-passer now. i don't actually care about any of it. i don't care about my relatives or anything. not even my lil' minecraft server brings me real joy. i'm just letting the days go by. 

i've been really contemplating suicide, but in a sort of half-assed way. i'm not sure how i'd go about it, and i haven't bothered doing any real research yet. i've been thinking about canada's assisted suicide thing - i wish there was something similar in the US (though i'm sure it's WAAAY more complicated than just going there and being like "hi i'd like to die please !"). i wouldn't want to do anything painful LOL i'm a pussy even in death. pills i guess would be the way to go but like i said, i don't really know much. 

i just don't want to keep doing this. i'm such a burden to everyone, lol (i'm lol-ing to keep the mood light). i'm not, like, on the BRINK of suicide but i don't think i've ever considered it this intensely in my life. i've gone from being terrified of getting into car/plane crashes to sort of hoping it happens. 

honestly, even though i mentioned that the minecraft server doesn't really do anything for me, resigning from it feels so difficult. it really is, genuinely, one of the only things keeping me going, out of fuckin... obligation. i have responsibilities there and people would be sad (at least i THINK so) if i left. i was a dumbass and sent sweet messages at christmas to all my teams about how much i enjoyed them and finished the messages off with something along the lines of "i can't wait to see how the team grows over the next year!" so now i would feel like a real piece of shit if i resigned so soon after. 

i'd ask to admit myself into some sort of full-time therapy or whatever but even that is so much money and that's just MORE burdening those around me. still, i feel like that's my best bet at this point. there's a past post i made where i said something about people who commit suicide feel like they have nothing left - i truly understand what that means now. it's not that i necessarily want to die... i just feel like there's nothing keeping me here. when i think of all the little details that would follow my death - people going through my stuff, a funeral, friends i'd never talk to again - the idea feels a little less real. not knowing what would come next is kind of scary; but at the same time, it wouldn't matter. i wouldn't have to care about it. whether i'm remembered as a good or terrible person... i would never know. 

so, yeah. a lot has happened. maybe it's all these electronics' fault. damn computer. or maybe it's just everything in my life combined. i've never felt so hopeless; it's genuinely insane. 

goodnight folks. merry christmas, happy new year, happy holidays, etc etc. i doubt this will be my last post, but if it is, thank you for reading!