emotionless thoughts

hey folks.

been a month. 

i don't even know what to write about. i feel so awful. but not in a painful way. i feel so empty, and the only emotion i can dredge up out of this void inside me is a deep unhappiness. WOW! that is very edgy. 

i uh.... i've been playing minecraft. lol. the server i mentioned before is thriving and i feel such a wonderfully strong sense of belonging and community there. it's silly to say but that server has really been keeping me afloat. just having responsibilities, as small or meaningless as they might be, is so damn helpful. i get feedback that is essentially "you're doing a wonderful job!!!" and it uplifts me so much. 

i guess i'm sort of an asshole. i don't even know! i don't feel apologetic in any way. i'm so tired.

i don't know what else to say. i just want to go to sleep forever. in a depressing way. not in an aggressive way..... but waking up in the morning feels so hard. getting out of bed feels so hard. getting dressed feels so hard. walking to class and sitting in class and listening and taking notes and participating and doing homework and taking tests and studying and being awake feels so hard. laying down feels so hard. sitting at my computer. scrolling on my phone. reading. writing. eating. drinking. its so much effort. 

i'm deeply distraught. i want to go home. i don't want to be here, i don't want to do this, i don't want to continue going through these motions. i'm failing. i'm losing. i'm making things worse. what's the point? 

goodnight