bleak

 tw; depression, suicide, the whole shebang !!!!

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hello folks! its been a bit. a lot has happened... none of which is particularly surprising.

i dropped out of college. it was long overdue, honestly. i didn't like my major or the college experience in general; i've practically wasted the last 1.5 years. i'm not sure what i'll do now... community college and a part time job is really the only option, i've been told. 

i'm currently visiting relatives in a different state and it's been really rough. i've realized a lot of things and they've made my already dreary view of the future even more dismal. 

1. i don't like my dad. 

he tries, he really does, and i'd be wrong to say he is completely malicious in his actions. but he has trauma from his childhood he has NEVER dealt with, and it warps his current views. he's just unpleasant. he switches between empathy and stone coldness. i hate confiding in him about anything - fears, interests, etc - because i know he's just going to use it against me in the future. he makes things awful, and even when he has good advice, i feel so deeply compelled not to follow it because it almost never feels like it's coming from compassion (even though he's stated that it is)... it just feels malicious. he makes me deeply unhappy; i don't want to live with him anymore. 

2. i don't really feel welcome at my mom's.

previously, up until yesterday or today, i've been comforted by the idea that i could simply.. live with my mom. she lives in a townhouse with my sister, 15 minutes from my dad (they are in the process of getting divorced). i lived with her over this past summer when my dad essentially kicked me out (though he vehemently denies this). it was really wonderful and i loved spending time with her; i feel so much more open to following her advice because she is always firm but understanding. 

but it was never going to be a permanent thing and she made this clear throughout the summer (in a nice way, of course). the expectation was that i was going to return to my dad's. i don't think she has time to deal with both me and my sister. i'm undoubtedly a burden when i'm there as anything more than a guest. she and my sister essentially have their own lives together now and i don't want to infringe on that. 

and so i am STUCK. i genuinely cannot imagine continuing to live with my father, but i know i will be such a pain to my mother. i'm deeply distraught. the ONE !!! fuckin' thing keeping me going, good ol' vidyo games, are just a time-passer now. i don't actually care about any of it. i don't care about my relatives or anything. not even my lil' minecraft server brings me real joy. i'm just letting the days go by. 

i've been really contemplating suicide, but in a sort of half-assed way. i'm not sure how i'd go about it, and i haven't bothered doing any real research yet. i've been thinking about canada's assisted suicide thing - i wish there was something similar in the US (though i'm sure it's WAAAY more complicated than just going there and being like "hi i'd like to die please !"). i wouldn't want to do anything painful LOL i'm a pussy even in death. pills i guess would be the way to go but like i said, i don't really know much. 

i just don't want to keep doing this. i'm such a burden to everyone, lol (i'm lol-ing to keep the mood light). i'm not, like, on the BRINK of suicide but i don't think i've ever considered it this intensely in my life. i've gone from being terrified of getting into car/plane crashes to sort of hoping it happens. 

honestly, even though i mentioned that the minecraft server doesn't really do anything for me, resigning from it feels so difficult. it really is, genuinely, one of the only things keeping me going, out of fuckin... obligation. i have responsibilities there and people would be sad (at least i THINK so) if i left. i was a dumbass and sent sweet messages at christmas to all my teams about how much i enjoyed them and finished the messages off with something along the lines of "i can't wait to see how the team grows over the next year!" so now i would feel like a real piece of shit if i resigned so soon after. 

i'd ask to admit myself into some sort of full-time therapy or whatever but even that is so much money and that's just MORE burdening those around me. still, i feel like that's my best bet at this point. there's a past post i made where i said something about people who commit suicide feel like they have nothing left - i truly understand what that means now. it's not that i necessarily want to die... i just feel like there's nothing keeping me here. when i think of all the little details that would follow my death - people going through my stuff, a funeral, friends i'd never talk to again - the idea feels a little less real. not knowing what would come next is kind of scary; but at the same time, it wouldn't matter. i wouldn't have to care about it. whether i'm remembered as a good or terrible person... i would never know. 

so, yeah. a lot has happened. maybe it's all these electronics' fault. damn computer. or maybe it's just everything in my life combined. i've never felt so hopeless; it's genuinely insane. 

goodnight folks. merry christmas, happy new year, happy holidays, etc etc. i doubt this will be my last post, but if it is, thank you for reading! 

emotionless thoughts

hey folks.

been a month. 

i don't even know what to write about. i feel so awful. but not in a painful way. i feel so empty, and the only emotion i can dredge up out of this void inside me is a deep unhappiness. WOW! that is very edgy. 

i uh.... i've been playing minecraft. lol. the server i mentioned before is thriving and i feel such a wonderfully strong sense of belonging and community there. it's silly to say but that server has really been keeping me afloat. just having responsibilities, as small or meaningless as they might be, is so damn helpful. i get feedback that is essentially "you're doing a wonderful job!!!" and it uplifts me so much. 

i guess i'm sort of an asshole. i don't even know! i don't feel apologetic in any way. i'm so tired.

i don't know what else to say. i just want to go to sleep forever. in a depressing way. not in an aggressive way..... but waking up in the morning feels so hard. getting out of bed feels so hard. getting dressed feels so hard. walking to class and sitting in class and listening and taking notes and participating and doing homework and taking tests and studying and being awake feels so hard. laying down feels so hard. sitting at my computer. scrolling on my phone. reading. writing. eating. drinking. its so much effort. 

i'm deeply distraught. i want to go home. i don't want to be here, i don't want to do this, i don't want to continue going through these motions. i'm failing. i'm losing. i'm making things worse. what's the point? 

goodnight

gut wrenching anxieties

 hello folks! been EXACTLY two months since i wrote the last post. i did not plan for this, i swear! but it's funny how things turn out.

i can say with complete honesty that i had a wonderful summer. i genuinely can't think of any summer in the past that was as pleasant as this one. i spent most of it with my mom, and it was just such a good time.

i'm going back to college in a week. i do not want to go back. i'm really quite nervous. things didn't go so well last year and i don't feel like they will go well this year. i feel like i'm setting myself up for a lot of disappointment and anxiety. 

something i realized yesterday or maybe the day before was that i keep thinking "i'll get through this," yknow? like i'm constantly pushing myself to believe that this is a "phase" (the depression, that is) and that i will come out the other side stronger and happier. but then as i thought about it more, and i thought about my future, i realized that i am setting myself up for a life of this. stumbling through college to get a mediocre job is just going to cause more depression once the time comes. and then i'll be working that job forever. and then i'll be old and gray and weary and cynical and depressed. i feel like i've already fucked up drastically. 

which is only making the anxiety about college and stuff even worse, of course. because i'm gonna have to go through that unhappily, while now understanding that me being unhappy and unproductive now is only going to translate into an unhappy and unproductive me in the future. and yet i will not change! 

it sounds so spoiled, i know it does. i live such a good life. but i still feel so empty inside. like there is an unobtainable happiness that i don't even know how to reach. 

anyway, yeah. college. what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

what else.... nothing. lol. i started watching breaking bad again (started watching it a few months ago but stopped midway through the 2nd season), but it really does not interest me as much as other shows i have watched. i'm still deeply in love with minecraft. i've fallen in love with 70s music!!! i've been playing some new games. i've had disco elysium for a while but finally decided to play it a bit a week or two ago, and it's incredible. though it's a little..... much. so it's hard to bring myself to play it. i also picked up a cool bundle of games that are all coding-esque. like it's not actual coding, but the fundamental principles are there. they are so hard though!! like my brain is not big enough for this stuff lol!! when i DO manage to beat a level, there is very, very intense satisfaction though. i think i'd like to learn coding. 

that's really all i got to say. i just don't know what to do. god damn. so fucking nervous. 

reminiscings and regrets

 hey folks. 

i'm feeling awfully bummed out. things are quite stagnant. i feel like a mosquito in still waters. 

minecraft legend and all-around funny fella technoblade died a few days ago. it is deeply fucking me up. i'm not going to deny i have some parasocial tendencies but goddamn. it is just so hard to think about. 

i've been resisting writing gushy sad messages about him on any real public platform because i feel silly contributing to a mass of generally similar laments. this is probably just a me-thing. like, no one's going to give me (or anyone else for that matter) shit about being sad over someone's death. yet i feel silly even thinking about it. 

i was very fond of techno. i'm not going to claim i was a huge fan or anything. but i very much enjoyed his content and found him to be very smart and entertaining. without him i don't know if i ever would have gotten into minecraft again. maybe i'm giving him too much credit... but i very much miss him. i can't even begin to imagine how painful it must be for those that actually knew him personally, if i am feeling this shitty from just being a casual viewer. it's all just very sad. 

-

it has been two days since i wrote the above. it's hard to think about what to say. every few hours i think about techno and just feel awful. he reminded me of myself, i think, and it makes me ponder over my own death. it is a scary thought. 

hmm.. updates, updates.. i have been doing my job for about 3 weeks now. it has definitely gotten easier, though i think i am wearing thin. this is my first job and it is a lot. not that being a counselor is that difficult or anything, but it is just a lot of time to be out and about doing things. it is very tiring! if i don't get at least 8 hours of sleep, i am exhausted the next day. 

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it has been a few more days. i really do not have much to say. this is a shorter entry. goodnight

a continuation (of nothing)

 hey. hello. hi. 

been about 3 months... yikes. just haven't really been in the mood to write updates about my life or whatever. not really feelin it lately. 

anyway. school is rough. it will be over this week, though... i got a summer job, as a counselor for a day camp. how terrifying! it is an inherently extroverted job and i am so, so terribly introverted. does not feel like it will go well, but we will see. 

i have a lot of late assignments, but i can't bring myself to start working on them. i don't know why. i guess depression or adhd or laziness or whatever. i just want to lay down and watch stupid media forever. 

my most recent obsession (that i am still currently in) is it's always sunny in philadelphia. what a phenomenal show !!!! i especially love mac and charlie. mac in particular has a very special place in my heart and i am very much in love with him. this is very unfortunate but oh well... the heart want what it wants!!! 

i actually finished the show YESTERDAY (season 15 and all) and my god do i miss it. i think i will just rewatch it because i am very much not ready to give them up. it is so crazy how when i first watched it i thought to myself "i will never enjoy this show" and now here i am, batshit crazy over these stupid characters and their dumb little lives. i love them so much. i miss them so much. thank god there's a podcast, but even that's not enough. ugh!!!

i am still playing a lot of minecraft, though iasip took over that for a while. there's this one little server i play on where i write lore and edit little articles for it (i know it's silly but it's so cute) and i absolutely adore the community. definitely gives me a nice sense of purpose, knowing there's people that "depend" on me, even if it's just for a lore write-up about a dragon (which i did write, by the way, about the pyrausta). 

i do not really engage in jerma content anymore. like, not even unconsciously; even when i think "hey, i should watch some jerma!" i end up disinterested in whatever i pull up. guess i'm burned out of him, whoops. oh well. still think he's a cutie, though!

do not talk to internet friend anymore. i was kind of an ass to them our last few days of chatting, and then we kind of just. stopped. sometimes i regret how it ended (this was over a month ago now) but at the same time... i don't really care. maybe that makes me a shitty person but honestly... doesn't do me any good to dwell on it. 

time passes very quickly now and it kind of scares me. feels like i've done absolutely nothing productive (which is probably true, to be fair) but i hate the feelings so much. i haven't changed a bit (i'd even go so far as to argue i've gotten worse) and that fucking SUCKS! i blink and a week has gone by; i blink again and it's been an entire month. i can't remember what i did yesterday or the day before. nothing to be proud of, i'm sure. 

eh. i'm done writing this. see ya, folks. 

quiet moments (AND DEPRESSION!!!!!)

hey folks. i've been kind of looking forward to writing another post. i've generally kept it to once a month, and i think it's a great system. i enjoy updating my thoughts every once in a while, and i really like reading them back (which i do every time i go to write a new one).

what's going on.... hm....

winter break ended. i stayed home an extra month, january, because of COVID. i miss it a lot... being back at college feels so empty. even with all the weird, uncomfortable drama at home, it's still far better than the quiet loneliness that is my dorm room at night. and to think i was almost excited to return at the end of january!

i binge watched parks and recreation in about two or three weeks. it was really, really wonderful. i miss it immensely. the show is just so heartfelt and full of love, and genuinely funny. every one of the main characters were so powerful and beautiful. i'd give anything to forget it and watch it for the first time again. 

i was okay at first, once i came back to college, but since about a week ago it's been pretty bad. i haven't had a breakdown (and i'm praying that i don't), but i can feel myself really, really grasping at nothing. falling even more apart. losing all interest in most things. it's like a second layer of depression has settled. i hate it.

i've been reaching out to a therapist at my college but we're still setting up an appointment. i guess a lot of kids have mental health issues. who woulda thought!

basically, over the past week, i've spent 90% of my waking hours playing or watching minecraft. it's a silly thing, but for some reason i have really grabbed hold of this and my mind hasn't let go. i was watching breaking bad pretty intensely before this depressive episode, but i haven't even thought about it since. it's literally minecraft 24/7 (save for classes and homework (usually)). i just sit at my little dorm room desk and play minecraft for hours upon hours and time passes so quickly. then, when it's time to eat, i watch youtubers play minecraft. 

i've also been listening to a lot of music. the song i've been really obsessed with is called "the city sleeps" by alice phoebe lou. it is beautiful and so powerful and makes me tear up when i hear it. i don't know why, exactly, but something about it makes me so, so sad. 

i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know how to be anyone else but myself. i am sinking deeper and deeper. i'm so absurdly, deeply unhappy. i know i probably say that like every post but it's all i can think of to describe myself. just this horrible, deep-settled understanding that i hate everything about my existence, and a deeper, more painful realization that i probably always will. 

ultimate depression

 tw: depression. the entire thing . just a big ol depression rant

;

it's been hard to sleep lately. i've been sleeping less and haven't really felt more tired than i always have, though... i'm sure i'll reap the consequences soon enough. 

i am just... so unhappy. so depressed. so... fuckin empty! i hate it! i hate myself! i wish things were different...

i'm scared i'm gonna die this way. empty. alone. i wake up and i'm so fuckin sad. i go to bed and i'm so sad. it feels so idiotic to write this. but who cares!!!!!!

i just don't know!!!!!!!! i don't know ANYTHING! i don't want to be me. i don't want to be anyone else! there is nothing i want to do or be. i can't stand it, man!!!! i don't want to BE LIKE THIS! i keep saying i think i'm falling apart... but i already have. a long time ago. i am fuckin. broken. 

the worst part is there's nothing that even really went wrong in my life. people got it so much worse and are so much stronger. i'm just. fucked! 

someone on a game once told me that people who commit suicide have given up. not in a "weak" way, but just, like... they believe there's nothing else for them. there is no hope. which is why the idea of death isn't so scary to them... because even if death is nothing, life is nothing too. 

i think about that a lot. i don't know if it's true, but it's oddly hopeful for ME specifically... i don't want to die. maybe that means part of me still believes things will be better. i mean, my earlier posts say as much but... it's crazy how much changes in a few months. i was infinitely happier just two months ago. and i wasn't even happy then! that's how shittier things have been! god.....!!!!!

my life feels like a huge "am i the asshole" reddit post. i know that's a dumb way of describing it but i can't think of a better way. i don't know if anything i do is right or wrong!!!! i have a very strong sense of what i believe is right and wrong but over the past month i've been so, so lost. i don't know what to do or how to act or what decisions to make. i'm so scared i'm gonna make the wrong choice. i'm terrified i already have! i feel like a disappointment... to myself, to everyone. i feel like a fuckin asshole. i'm so unhappy.

:(