the wonderful world of writing (aka more loki hyperfixation!)

WROTE THE BELOW BACK IN LATE-OCTOBER (the 27th to be specific!). don't feel like much of it relates to myself as of now but don't want to lose it, so i'm just gonna go ahead and publish what i left over. it's all just loki talk, really, so not missing out on much!

-

hello folks! i hope you're all doing well.

a lot has happened, and also nothing at all. something in the middle? it might depend on your idea of a lot. 

i got a JOB ... and i've KEPT that job over the past 3 months. it is at a godforsaken chuck e cheese... yes, i am 20 years old, yes i know, yes. but it's not so bad and they have me closing every shift i work which means it doesn't interfere with day stuff, so... honestly, i'll take it. i'll take what i can get. 

my job + an attempt at community college means i'm way busier than i used to be, which is a funny concept because i'm not really busy... but it feels insane just to balance TWO (three if you count my little mc server stuff!) things in my life when i often had one or even nothing going on. but i'm getting through it... sort of. 

all of what i wrote about last post is still true. i ADORE loki and have been furthering my knowledge of him over the past few months. i get weird about consuming media once i hit a certain threshold of information about it, so i've read less than i should about him. but i'm following current comics that feature him and also spend lots of time thinking about him and the way they've developed him over the years. if this sounds silly and a little lame, that's because it is - but i don't care! 

last post, i talked about loki having trauma. and i think this is really interesting because i haven't thought of him that way at ALL since. i wish i could better remember how i felt about loki at the time, cause it'd only been a few weeks since i'd fallen down the little loki rabbit hole. my opinion of him has changed surprisingly drastically, i think, which i didn't even realize until i'd read that post from june. 

in said post, i really valued loki's change from bad -> good. and i DO think that's what has always made modern loki such a beloved character; it's his potential for goodness, the fact that you can see he is troubled and wants to be different at times. but he always falls into the same box, always walks the same path. i guess it's sort of sad, but not really. it's his choice, after all, even when he's convinced it isn't.

but now, after the comics and MCU have both turned him into an almost completely selfless figure (the MCU more so), i've come to appreciate his potential for EVIL. is that weird? i don't want loki to be completely evil either, obviously, but to be just good is so boring. that loki CHOOSES to be good when evil is at his fingertips is the best version of him. to deny his love for chaos is to kill the character entirely. and it's now that i understand why so many people don't like the loki show. 

and that loki may choose evil when it furthers the story, that he picks self-preservation and his own interest over others, even those that he loves, THAT'S loki. and when he DOES choose to help or protect someone else, it's that much more powerful, because he's going against his entire character to do so. THAT'S LOKI! 

i don't think i'd realized the value of that in my previous post. it's easy to see loki as only what he is today, on his current path of righteousness. and, like i said, i don't mind it. i like good loki! but it's only because of bad loki that i can like good loki. and ignoring all that is just... ugh. what's even the point? 

hyperfixation update (spoilers; it's all loki!)

HEYA FOLKS.

lots of hyperfixation updates for ya today. no depression talk, finally; freedom at last!?

last post i wrote about being really into conan. this has unfortunately passed very quickly. i still like him a lot and watch videos of him sometimes but he isn't on my mind anymore. it was like 3 days of conan love and i've moved on...

the vast majority of this post will be about marvel and specifically loki. warning you in advance if you do not enjoy that type of stuff! it's mostly info-dumping because i feel bad forcing this on my friends more than i already have!

about half a month ago i wanted to see guardians of the galaxy 3, so i watched a bunch of the earlier movies to prepare for it. in the past, i'd seen tom holland's spider-mans, as well as dr. strange and a few other random ones here and there, but i'd never been that interested in the MCU. after watching gotg 1 and 2, i decided i wanted to see the second dr. strange movie, which required even more backtracking and preparation. one of these shows i watched to get ready was loki, which i ADORED...

it was my first experience with loki--i basically had no idea who the character was prior--and i just absolutely fell in love with the character. i thought the plot was interesting and it was a cool separation from the rest of the MCU (while also having huge massive implications for future plotlines). i also really liked mobius and found myself really enticed by his relationship with loki. i think there's something really endearing about the idea that loki could be ... softened by mobius, i guess. loki is such an evil little guy who is so traumatized by his life and the people around him (not victim-blaming though, loki has done some completely unforgivable things) that having someone completely outside of that all, who kinda just doesn't give a shit in the best way possible, seems like the perfect fit for loki. 

(obligatory paragraph break for readability's sake) (also some little spoilers in the next paragraph)

loki and mobius' relationship (and the potential direction i desire it to take) is surely better than what they've made of loki and sylvie. though i did like sylvie and thought she was cool! i just think loki and sylvie are trauma-bonded and desperate for someone they feel like they can trust, and i guess they've found that in each other. or maybe not trust... but at least they are both on the same wavelength, which is rather hard for lokis to find because they are such stinky creatures. plus i think it's a little heartbreaking that they've essentially acknowledged loki as a queer character and yet they've never actually given him a queer relationship... even in the comics, he hints at it and makes a half-assed move on a guy but that's IT. like CMON...

anyway, yeah, overall i really enjoyed the show and the direction it took and its ending. there's going to be a second season in errr... september, was it? no, i just googled it, it's october! wow! honestly, people are really harsh about the MCU and D+ shows and all that but i'm just happy to be here. it's all just bright colors and fast action and silly jokes that don't fit the mood and i dig it... maybe in 10 years i'll feel that cynical about it all, but hopefully not anytime sooner. 

i even ended up writing a short fanfic about loki (this is strangely embarrassing to admit), which was the first piece of writing i've finished in a long while. it's jumpstarted me back into another writing phase, mostly loki-related content, but i haven't been able to finish anything else. it's kind of funny because i told a buddy of mine who i hadn't talked to in a while that i was super into marvel, and he was like "i feel like being a marvel fan is worse than making weird fanfictions" like i.... am i in the worst of both worlds?? lol

anyway, i found myself especially engaged with loki, both his MCU-portrayal by tom hiddleston but also as a character in general. i watched all the MCU content with him in it and really loved it. it's weird going from the loki show where he's really just a mischievous trickster who can't do any real damage to the movies where he's a straight up villain. but i think they do a great job at giving him some real tough layers. he's a twisted, troubled, trapped character in all his forms. it's sad! that doesn't excuse that he killed thousands of people, but... he's a cutie, what can i say?

there's this comic trilogy series where loki is reborn as a sweet, benevolently mischievous kid, and it's utterly fantastic. it's super well-written and interesting and deeply moving to a level i could never have expected. the first part of the series is written by kieron gillen in the 2011 journey into mystery comic. it runs from issue 622 - 645. i really cannot express how much i was destroyed by JIM (in the best way, of course). it's really reminded me how much i used to want to be a writer in some capacity. i've forgotten how much written pieces of work can move me, and experiencing it in comic book form is another strange eye opener. i don't know; it just makes me want to return to my little creative side. 

something i really adored about kid loki's arc is that he and thor were best bros. this idea that thor can look past everything old loki did (which was a lot, as you might expect) and still completely love kid loki is fucked up in the most powerful and beautiful way possible. it's really made me fall in love with thor as well; he's such a good, kind, faithful brother. especially when kid loki expresses doubt about everything, thor is there to support and comfort him. i just want to write a million little domestic fics where they spend time with each other and bond. it makes me so melancholy!!

i will avoid spoiling anything, but gillen just puts the story together so well. he's a fantastic writer and uses some great language; i even learned some new words which is fun! overall, i just really love kid loki.

anyway, after JIM, kid-teen loki has a brief stint as a young avenger in the 2013 series. this was also written by gillen, and i don't like it as much. i think i'm kind of biased though because i don't really care about the other young avengers. plus, this one was much more like a regular modern comic, whereas JIM felt like it transcended all of that. it was still interesting though; the story was pretty cool and i did like the art! they also had a LOT of queer representation, which i will always appreciate. it probably didn't help that i read it so soon after JIM, because i was still in that weird, life-changed state of mind. i'd give it like a 7/10; there's an extra point in there because, well, i just love loki.

after YA, there was a loki-focused series called agent of asgard from 2014. this one was written by al ewing and loki is a young adult in it. it's SO GOOD. i think JIM will always take the cake for me (i love kid loki more than i could ever express) but AoA is amazing! loki wrestles with some real uncomfortable thoughts and struggles with the idea of destiny throughout. even the people around him expect and desire evil out of him, which is just so sad!! there's a huge plot point that i must avoid mentioning, so i can't fully express why this comic is so devastating, but i will just say there are a lot of heartbreaking twists. i also really loved the art for most of it! the ending of AoA is also just utterly fantastic and fucked me up as well. i really don't think they could have chosen a better, more cumulative and moving ending. god, i love it so much!!!

i've had this selection of comics in my mind since i read them (though YA at a much lesser level). i think loki is such an interesting and tragic character. gillen and ewing really breathe new life into him. i must state, once again, that i love kid loki so fucking much. i also adore all of asgard and the characters in it, especially thor. i just really enjoyed the fantasy aspect of it and how they coexist with the modern culture of our current world. it's fun to see kid loki in JIM wearing his little asgardian getup and holding a stark phone; it feels silly and yet fits so well. and then in AoA he's playing video games and still talking like a little royal shit. it's just such a creative world and allows for a great deal of possible scenarios. asgard fanfic? midgard fanfic? it can be either, or they can be mixed! woohoo!

those are all the comics i've read so far; i think i'm going to read some thor stuff because man, i just adore that guy. might also read some spider-man stuff because he's real cool as well. who knows; the possibilities are limitless!!

moving on... to the MCU. i've seen most of the main storyline movies at this point. i've avoided iron man, captain america, hulk, and ant-man's solo films so far, but i'm going to go watch them soon so i can have a full picture :) i just do not like iron man or ant-man at all!!!! but that's okay... we all must make sacrifices. i WILL endure tony stark's stupid mean banter and ant-man's entire existence... actually my least favorite character is hawkeye because he's literally just an archer, and i'm sorry, but that is so uncool... where was i going with this?

so yeah, i've been watching a ton of movies. i really loved thor: ragnarok specifically, which is just such a fun little romp. i adore thor and think chris hemsworth is the most attractive man alive, so that definitely contributed to it, but it was just really nice and silly, especially compared to the desaturated, dull film that was thor: the dark world. and of course, having loki not be the bad guy is always fun. finally, i can root for him!

i've also been watching a ton of interviews, especially ones with either tom hiddleston or chris hemsworth, and i just love both of them so much. tom is very soft spoken and polite and british and cute, and chris is very funny and so attractive!! good lord! and in PRIDE month, too... i feel like i'm a disgrace to the lgbt community. but yeah, i just love hearing them speak about stuff, especially if it's a more humorous interview. this also applies to the entire MCU cast; they're all so much fun. i'm also really interested in owen wilson, who plays mobius; i love his accent and demeanor and he's really charismatic. this has been what's taking up most of my days...

uhhhhh okay i think that's all i have about loki & the MCU. for NOW. 

on another note, i'm still deeply in love with that minecraft server i've written about in the past. i hold quite a few staff roles at this point, and it brings me great joy. i also very recently got a promotion in one of the roles, which i am very excited about! it is silly, of course, but there's something that makes me a little emotional about the idea that people noticed my efforts and appreciated them, even if it's just a mc server. i'm deeply engrained and indebted to this community; people know me and i know them and they enjoy my presence. it's so sweet. it helps me continue forward!

otherwise, there's not much going on! i gotta get a job... LOL yikes. i'll figure it out, i'm sure.

that's all from me today! i love loki!! have a great day!

time goes on (and a conan ramble)

TW; depression and a bit of suicidal smattering

~

helloooo folks! been almost two months!? i guess i didn't feel i had much to say. it is kind of disturbing how time moves. it makes my stomach hurt so bad. 

OK INTENSE DEPRESSION TIME (i'll let you know when it's done): 

there has always been a sense of regret in my life. since i was a child, i think. and it makes me deeply fear change. i really do cling onto the good things i have in my life and am terrified to potentially let them go. at the same time i have this silly self-sabotaging expectation that i will end up unhappy, and therefore i feel i need to further cling onto the things i already have, thus destroying the things i COULD have. 

okay this is crazy because like... i feel like i've never even thought of that before. have i just therapied myself? 

i think the real core of the issue lies at the fact that i don't really feel a need to fundamentally change. i like who i am generally, personality-wise. i think i'm pretty friendly and kind when i want to be. and i like my living conditions; i love my mom a lot. and i, of course, like taking easy courses and not working and imagining that i can just continue on from my failures, as i always have. and when i am faced with the inevitable burden that is an endless future, i just think "it's fine, i'll kill myself when i get there." 

i don't understand how people do it. people like my mother and father, the people i know online, everyone around me. they continue on and move forward and dedicate their lives to unhappiness. have i set my expectations too high? is it just life that i am going to have to settle? it's such a silly feeling because i know that i am so lucky to even have this dilemma. but i feel so deeply empty that the idea of staying this way and simply living with it feels truly impossible. 

but i am so scared that things might get worse, that i might lose the few parts of my life that bring me joy, that i'm incapable of trying new things. i don't know what to do with myself. everything i do feels like i am simply delaying the inevitable. 

i think the world is really beautiful at night. there's comfort in the silence, in being alone. and yet life goes on!!!! i think it is so sad that we all must move forward always. i wish i wasn't constantly wasting time. it feels like there is never a real moment to waste. and this horrible feeling makes me stay petrified. 

OKAY DEPRESSION TIME OVER

it's actually been about 20 days since i wrote the above. depression is hard because sometimes it feels so strong i can barely think of anything else, and then as soon as i've escaped the little funk i'm in, it's so hard to remember and equally hard to return to. i've come back now to write about something completely different. still in a bit of a depressed mood but in a different way. wow, who could have guessed there's so many facets to mental health! my genius truly surprises me each and every day.

time is weird, i can barely identify what's changed over the past 20 days. for some reason (i say as if i don't actively know the reason) i have an extremely overwhelming urge to try and be funny. or clever. or something a little more lighthearted than usual.

i've been listening to some conan o'brien lately, and SURPRISE! i adore him. another white man to add to my list of pitiful obsessions. i already appreciated him before (he's right smack in the middle of all my other little snl white boy loves), but it's only in the past few days that he's really been on my mind. his podcast is really great and i've been watching some of his older stuff. he's so funny and talented and quick-witted. it's everything i wish i was. 

something i've identified in him (and all my other male heart-tugs) is his confidence. he's even a little mean sometimes, but only when he knows the other person is in on the joke. i get the idea that a lot of comedy folks question if they're really funny or not, but they must know to some extent that they're on a level above everyone else, right? maybe it's just me and my anxiety-riddled brain, but i find myself deeply enamored by people who know they're funny and actually are. emphasis on that final point - if it was only the first, i'd be swooning over every college boy and twitch streamer i see. though i kind of do...

anyway, i've found his past to be really interesting. it's kind of funny how my perception of age has shifted since learning about him. never in my life did i think i'd be under the impression that 30 yrs old is really young, but somehow that's one of my biggest takeaways from all of this. he did all that at 30??? goddamn!!! it's hella attractive... yeesh.

anyway, as i did my little digging (as i often do... pip remains in my heart...) - okay, i must interrupt here. have i NEVER written about my love for the mysterious '90s e-zine pip? this is absurd... i will get to that later.... - i, yknow, go to conan's past. his writing era on snl. his first late-night show where he was so visibly nervous. that one review that absolutely decimated him in '93. the subsequent, profoundly supportive review by the same journalist in '96. and thus i get to the harvard lampoon. 

and i'm struck with this realization that these people are my age and ... wait, are they funny? i think so, in a way. okay i'm coming to a secondary, less-profound-but-equally-depressing-realization. is my humor ruined by super mario 64 speedrunners and adhd streamers who can't go a second without doing silly goofy boi-oi-oing noises to appease their little monkey brains? 

okay, that's not the point. anyway. if i am to believe these harvard lampoon folks are funny, which i suppose they are, or at least far more open to humor than i can ever be, it's like... who even am i? do i even breach the baseline for humor? i value humor above almost all else. in others and in myself. and it's not like i ever thought i was really funny or anything. but suddenly i understand i really am NOTHING. i ain't funnier than the twitter folks and i ain't funnier than some college students who poured all their efforts into an attempt at a humorous competition newsletter. i'm not a writer, nor an artist, nor a musician. WHAT AM I?????????????????????????

it is in these moments that i should want to do something productive. learn a skill, do good in classes, get a career, meet the love of my life, be out there, enjoy my days. accept that i am not great, as most of us are not. but my chest hurts at this thought, at the idea of accepting the mundane. at a domestic existence. which is almost ironic, because it leads me to do nothing. i am neither moving forward in a productive, if not dull, manner, nor trying to be something bigger. i'm in a little jelly-filled limbo where time is still ticking. this is actually sort of the same thing i was talking about 20 days ago. the worst feeling! 

i really do love conan. he's so cool. i think he is absurdly attractive (though i must admit there is this one picture i saw of him that truly does strike fear into my heart. he just looks so scary in it. i will refrain from describing it (he's just looking into the camera at some red carpet event), so that you don't have to experience the same terror i did). but after i read some harvard lampoon, of which i still have mixed feelings on (though that may be in part due to my crippling cynicism and inability to accept others), i felt a little arrow pierce my chest. the always-moving, never-faltering arrow of DEPRESSION! hence my return to this accursed blog. 

yeah........... nothing ever changes.

an unsurprising update

 tw; DEPRESSION (WHAT A SHOCKER). also a smatter of suicidal nonsense 

-

YO FOLKS been a month, goodness. time really does fly. it's hard to remember how things felt in the past, but i can't imagine it went by so quickly. it's disturbing, genuinely, how fast everything is happening. i don't like to think about it. 

i'm still with my mom, taking a few general knowledge classes, having a pretty good time. there's one class that i have, like, 15 missed assignments in because i do not enjoy it but it's too late to drop, so that's a huge source of anxiety because i'm just letting it build up like a dumbass. nothing ever changes. 

i was feeling really good last post, but i'm back to being a depressed loser. i see everything and everyone growing and changing around me and i'm just so stagnant. i don't even know if i want to change, but it feels pointless to exist like this. 

i genuinely cannot imagine my future. visualizing anything makes me feel genuinely suicidal. it's definitely sort of a cop-out avoidance method but the pain i feel in my stomach and head and the utter, like, EMPTINESS i feel is so disturbing. it's such a crazy thing to think and say, but i mean, realistically, if i have no desire to change, and if i contribute nothing to society or anyone else, is there really a point in me being alive? i feel like i am just prolonging the inevitable. an infinite expanse of disappointment and sadness (which is entirely my fault). being a burden on everyone and everything and contributing nothing back is just being a parasite. 

depression is weird. it's strange because anyone that sees my lifestyle would think it's fairly obvious; a lack of sunlight and exercise and socializing and general goal-setting has caused me to be this way. and i think that's certainly a valid hypothesis; but i did all those things in high school (minus the socializing, though i had a much more vibrant online life than i do now) and was still utterly unhappy and depressed. and if it really is some sort of "chemical imbalance" in my brain, that's just even more confusing. 

honestly, maybe i take comfort in being this way. it's a feeling to return back to, as much as i hate it. my anxiety and depression have caused me to be detrimentally self aware, to the extent where i literally overthink EVERYTHING. and i see others be calm and happy and satisfied with their quirks, good and bad, and that feels impossible to me. to live a life without constant embarrassment and analysis. o, woe is the chronically online, who literally cannot function in normal society. or maybe that's just me. 

ANYWAY... time for the glorious HOBBY UPDATES! if you can even call them hobbies, i don't know. 

as i mentioned in my previous post, i have been super into anime! it feels so overdue; i don't know how this phase only started now. but i'm glad it did, because i've been really loving it! since my last update, i watched bocchi the rock, which i absolutely adored!!!! i also rewatched yuri on ice (from my middle school days) and thought it was just as fantastic as i remembered. the music in particular is so hauntingly beautiful; the two songs that have really stuck with me are "passacaille in barcelona" and "prism"; both are stand-alone gorgeous pieces.

i watched ouran high school host club, which i thought was kind of nauseating at the beginning but really grew on me by the end. it's so strange how the characters that i thought were slightly charming at best transformed into such lovely, powerful people. it's such a wonderful show. out of all the anime i've seen thus far, OHSHC is certainly the most comforting. 

after that, i watched serial experiments lain, which was such an aesthetic masterpiece (though the story definitely went over my head). i couldn't find another show to get into for a few weeks after SEL; i got about halfway through nichijou but didn't find it that entertaining (though i'm sure i'll finish it later). then, about a week ago, i decided to try hunter x hunter, and i ADORE it. i really had no idea what to expect, and it exceeded everything i could have imagined by far. it's such an engaging and beautiful show. i'm less than a quarter of the way through and loving every second... killua and gon are so wonderful, and i gotta say, the design for illumini is just superb... highly recommend watching - the hype is absolutely deserved !!!

other than anime, i've of course been engaging in my ONLY other hobby: good ol' vidyo games. i got into celeste a few weeks ago and really grinded it out; i managed through sheer willpower (and the occasional walkthrough) to finish all the b-sides. but i fear the c-sides might be too far beyond my skill level for determination to carry me through, so i'm taking a break for the time being. 

i'm still very engaged in my little minecraft server. it's something that really keeps me going. everyone is so nice and encouraging and really make me feel welcome and appreciated. it's crazy that i used to want that same feeling from a toxic browser game; this minecraft server has genuinely changed my life. i've always found it hard to insert myself into already established communities, and i just feel such an insane sense of luckiness that i managed to do so here. people LIKE me, isn't that insane??? it's so wonderful!!!

okay, i think that's all! nothing ever changes (but in a slightly more comforting way). hopefully i'll have something more eventful to talk about next time, though i doubt it. thanks for reading folks, and have a good night. o/

solace

 hiya, folks! been a little under a month but i couldn't wait to write another post; i hate that i'd left it on such an absolutely dreary note. happy to say there's nothing depressing in this post!

i ended up moving in with my mom! my dad was pissed as FUCK but i think it was the right decision. i genuinely feel like my depression was fuckin' CURED man i've never felt so at ease in my life. it's crazy how the little things really build up. 

i've been playing games with an online buddy of mine and i absolutely adore him. he's just really nice and funny and i THINK we have a good time together, although i guess i wouldn't really be a good judge of that (because i am insanely socially awkward!). either way, i'm having a lot of fun :-) 

i also have been taking some casual intro courses at community college, and i'm enjoying them so far. in one of them, there's a guy who i worked with at a camp over the past summer, so it was really cool seeing him!! we chat in class and added each other on social media, and we chat a bit on there too. it's just nice having interactions with people LMAO who woulda thought??

i've been getting super into anime lately... i don't know why i've decided 2023 was the year for that. honestly, what's always put me off from shows is that they're often so LONG, either season-wise or episode-wise. a lot of animes have 12 episode seasons and most if not all are ~20 minutes long, and that's absolutely perfect for me. some of my favorites so far have been chainsaw man (denji....), beastars (but only season 2, and specifically legoshi), and one punch man (saitama...). i'm currently watching season two of spy x family and i love it as well! i've decided my favorite genre is very much comedic action with a cute main male character LOL. those seem to always do the trick for me :-)

otherwise... i'm not really doing much. i'm spending time with my mom and her two dogs, so that's nice. i still do the minecraft server although i've been contemplating resigning from one of my roles on there, if not all. but i feel like it's kind of important for me to have those responsibilities, so i don't know what i'm going to do about that. 

my thoughts of suicide and the entire month of december feels sooooo far in the past now. it's kind of insane how much better i feel now. i don't know how i feel about it, in a way, though. like if i feel this much better, did i ever even have depression to begin with? has the past, like, 6 years or whatever been a LIE???? or is this happiness just a phase??? it's genuinely hard to tell, but whatever. i'll just enjoy it while i can!!!

that's all i have to say, i think! i haven't really been doing much, but everything feels a bit grander in this new light. happy to still be here.

have a good rest of january, folks!