hello folks! happy holidays!
i'm currently staying at my grandfather's house with my mother and sister. we only really visit once a year (at christmas) so it's a sort-of special occasion. personally, i really dislike visiting family, which i know sounds really ungrateful, especially because they obviously care about me. i think in the future i might look back and regret not being more active in these moments - my grandpa is like 92 after all. but even still, with all my lamenting about time moving so fast and reminiscing on the past and etc, i can't help but wish i was still at home, in my room, curled up with my laptop. maybe i'm a bad person.
my life has been almost exactly the same since my last post. i work ~20 hours a week and spend the rest indulging in whatever suits my fancy, which is mostly video games and other videos. anyway, the vast majority of this post will be about my various hobbies. an interesting read, i'm sure.
i've been watching a lot of streams. northernlion is my favorite and i loathe the days he's not live. i think i've said this before - and it's obviously all relative as streamers tend not to be the... brightest-seeming bunch - but NL is truly an intelligent man. he somehow has a million different things he can ramble about, which is why his content is so entertaining - he plays some very repetitive games but can always make them fun to watch. love that guy a lot.
i've been playing a lot of video games. finished hogwarts legacy soon after my last post and have been chasing that high ever since - i know receptions for that game have been mixed, but for me it was quite literally the perfect experience. i've said it before and i'll say it forever, but for all it's worth, the world of harry potter is really quite an enticing one. i've seen other magical worlds and none do it for me as much as HP. i've heard talks that there may be a sequel, and while i'm not sure anything could live up to the magic of exploring hogwarts for the first time, i really hope it does happen.
in the meantime, i've started playing the witcher 3, which is a very cool game. my backlog is MASSIVE at this point and i keep buying games too, which doesn't help. i know there's the whole spiel about like, you don't have to 100% a game and if you feel satisfied with what you've played it's worth it, but it's hard for me to feel like i've really played a game until i finished it. and i get the urge to restart any game i've taken more than a 6 month break from, which doesn't help the process whatsoever. i think in 2024 i finished about... 5 games. out of like 300. woof.
i've been watching a lot of horror movies over the past few months, which has really been an enlightening experience. i'd always considered myself to be a real hater of horror, cause video game horror is so damn scary! but movies really aren't that scary, shockingly! i never realized how much of a cultural impact classic horror movies have, so it's really interesting to see them. i've seen quite a few, such as night of the living dead, halloween, the ring (japanese version), nightmare on elm street, and the texas chainsaw massacre, as well as a few more recent ones like hereditary, midsommar, and most recently i watched smile 2!
the modern ones are much scarier - hereditary is actually genuinely spooky, and though smile 2 is pretty lame in concept, it does have its creepier moments (i'm typing this in pitch black darkness and am actually on edge remembering it lol). but i think i'm more partial towards the older stuff, because there's real charm in their jankiness despite their lack of fright. some of them sucked but many of them have stuck with me much more than i ever would have expected. the exorcist, for example, is absolutely phenomenal. what i've realized about horror movies is that they can be entirely horror-based, all gorey and just a mass murder chasing spree, but the best ones actually try to have some kind of emotional plea towards the viewer in a way i really appreciate.
midsommar and hereditary are both made by ari aster, whose style i've really come to appreciate (i've only seen these two by him though so i'm no expert lol). one of the biggest takeaways i've gotten from these films is that the scariest thing by far is grief. aster really loves just putting the worst, most heart-wrenching moments of grief in his films that are so utterly sad that it's hard to even think about. and the worst part is that while so much of horror is based in fantasy, grief is real and unavoidable. isn't that terrifying?
anyway, i've really enjoyed this venture into the foray of horror, and i hope to continue it as i've got many more i'd like to see. i don't think i'll EVER want to play horror games though, as those are just unimaginably scary. i'll stick to watching someone else play them, thank you very much.
hmm... i've been watching some shows, but very casually. community is a show i've really fallen in love with, which is funny because i've hated it for MONTHS. i tried watching it ages ago, thought it was really lame and fell flat, and resigned myself to the idea that i'd just never really vibe with it. but one day a month or so ago i was like "you know what. i'm going to watch it." and it's like i just decided to enjoy it and now i love it. who would have thought?
i think with community you really have to recognize it almost as this spectacle of theater, which is not really seen in television shows. community is absurdly silly and always has some kind of emotional revelation at the end to boot, which isn't really appealing if you're not in the right mindset for it. but it is such a funny show and has some really sweet moments as well. there are definitely some elements that i don't resonate with, which are glaringly obvious whenever i try to show it to anyone else. but overall it's such a fun experience. highly recommend!
as of late, i've been really into folksy-type music, whatever that genre means. kings of convenience especially have been on repeat - they have this one song called "failure" which i've been listening to nonstop. a few other songs i really enjoy are "clowns" by goldfrapp and "jim cain" by bill callahan. i've been trying to pinpoint what exactly gets me about these types of songs, and i think it's stripped back finger-picking guitar with violin accompaniment - a million bonus points if the picking is arpeggio-esque. add in some vaguely introspective lyrics and i'm in love with the song forever.
over the past few months, i've been calling a lot with various internet friends (two, mainly), which have been such a delight. one of them is someone i'd consider my best friend, and we've been playing a lot of minecraft and watching movies together and just hanging out on call, which is so much fun. what's really crazy is that they live in the state i'm currently visiting, and they're like... half an hour away. and they always very eagerly put forth the idea that we could meet up and hang out in person... which i just can't even imagine doing. it's so silly, because i know they love me and i love them and we are quite literally best friends, but meeting them in person feels akin to death. it's so terrifying - i don't really have qualms with showing myself in public or whatever, but it's a really scary idea with internet friends. i am myself with them, certainly, but there is still always going to be a sort of... i don't know. "character" i put on or something, like it's me but it's a specific version of me that i've curated, you know? and meeting irl is so much more open and uncontrolled and that is frightening in a way i can't even fully comprehend. i just get this sense that i want to be a better version of myself before i open myself up to this scrutiny i feel is inevitable. i don't know.
i made a new friend back in october, and we've hit it off super well and call ~twice a week or so to play various games. i LOVE making new internet friends because it reaffirms this desperate hope that i am actually funny and clever and fun to be around. he is a super nice person and i really enjoy talking to him! it's always interesting meeting someone who is more anxious than i am, because i am suddenly turned into this voice of reason and reassurance and maturity, which is kind of funny because i am such a mess too.
i'm most definitely an introvert and hate being out for any prolonged period of time, but i could hang out virtually with these people for quite literally 8+ hours and just feel such a sense of satisfaction and joy and love. it's easy to forget how much i value just... talking and sharing and spending time with other people, whether it's over call or text or whatever. i'm sure this will die down sometime and people will get bored with me or i might even get burnt out of them, but for now it's just an absolute delight.
i still spend time on that one minecraft server, which is a large part of my life. i recently rejoined a position i left a year prior, and it's been really nice to be back there. i do get this looming sense that my time might be coming to a close on there - i most certainly enjoy it, but it also feels like obligation at times - i've been there for almost 4 years now, which is just crazy. but that truly is my community, as silly as that sounds (both friends i mentioned above are from that server). i don't know how i'd ever move on.
i haven't really been writing much lately, which makes me sad. my writing rarely if ever comes to fruition, but it's been some time now without really much of an idea or a spark. i feel like i need a new piece of media to fall in love with, because obsession really is a friend of creation for me. for now i thrive off the occasional comment on my fics and sometimes add a couple hundred words to half-written google docs. i'm sure the inspiration will return but for now it's quite a slog...
been itching for some easy busywork craft hobbies over the past year or so - i've bought legos (crazy expensive and not worth it imo), knock-off legos, booknook and miniature kits (my favorite), wood puzzles, and diamond paintings. while visiting i've also just ordered a needle felting kit, which will arrive when i return home! i've found i really enjoy following directions to create something - slightly complex instructions are ideal but more mindless stuff is also enjoyable. the only issue is that, similar to video games, i get really excited about hobbies really quick and end up with so many to do! the ones i have now should last me at least a few months... but who knows what will catch my eye next?
wow... this is crazy, because i'm trying to wrack my brain if there's anything else to write about, and i've just realized my last post was in september... which means the entire month of october has yet to be written about...!
in late october i went to dan and phil's terrible influences tour, which was just so much fun. for those who may not know, dan and phil are a british youtuber duo who've made videos for over a decade now and have captured the hearts of many a young teen, me included. so many of my early internet days were spent fawning over these two, writing and reading fanfiction and chatting with like-minded folk. i actually made my first internet friend ever when she replied to a comment i left on a dan and phil fic! fast forward a few years... and i hated them for a while for no real reason other than being very bitter and depressed and not enjoying my old interests anymore. then, flash forward to about two years ago when i decided that i needed to reminisce on the dan and phil culteral phenomenon and fell in love all over again. in what seems to be perfect timing, both also returned to the internet in the form of their joint gaming channel, and they are both happier and more fulfilled people as well!
it's really something special because when i first started watching them i was an awkward, naive 12 yr old who didn't really understand much of anything, and discovering this internet world was like some sort of awakening. i was definitely one of those weirdos who got way too into dan and phil's "relationship" and shipped them to no end, which is crazy but also ignited my love for writing and introduced me to an invaluable community. and i even attended their FIRST tour in 2016 and screamed and cried and lost my mind as my mom watched with amusement - a core memory for me.
and my eventual disinterest with them was only natural as i moved on to other things... and then returning to them as a 19 (or whatever) yr old with a newfound understanding appreciation of them and having them return as well with a similar new outlook is just... immensely powerful. dan and phil endured a ton of creepy behavior and frankly disgusting speculation and the fact that they can return, funnier, happier, and forgiving of all of that... it's lovely. and their audience has grown with them - isn't that perfect?
anyway, seeing their tour in october, which is probably their last tour ever (unfortunately i missed their second as i was not a fan at the time) was just such a deeply moving experience. just like my younger self, i screamed and lost my mind all the same... despite our inherent differences, there is a kinship between me and her. i love her, and i hope she would love me too.
i also saw an electric light orchestra concert, which was FANTASTIC. jeff lynne was old as fuck and did not seem entirely there but god damn did he sing and it was glorious. i've never attended concerts ever because i've never really understood the appeal, but hearing this music live was incredible and i get it now, i really do. recordings, even the best of them, can NEVER replicate the power of hearing it live, resonating around the room. all of the songs were amazing but the live rendition of steppin' out genuinely moved me to tears. lovely, lovely stuff.
....okay! i think that is it! a lot has been happening (relative to normal) and i've just got such the urge to write about my interests! hopefully i'll have another entry sooner than later... see ya!
