hello, folks!
it's been a bit of a long while, certainly longer than i've intended. i actually wrote something in late june that i was planning to publish, but none of it is important and some of it is actually kind of knee-jerk embarrassing (about fanfiction no less, which no one cares about) so i think i'll just keep that in my drafts for myself forever. kind of a funny notion because this blog is already sort of like my glorified drafts, considering every "view" is likely some website-scraping bot or whatnot. but i still don't want to put what i wrote out there, for bots or people or anyone other than myself to see.
it is strange to think that summer is truly, officially over. not because i did anything exciting, but i'm still kind of in the mindset of "oh it's late august," when it's far beyond that. i was thinking when i sat down to write this that it'd be a sort of end-of-summer reflection, but my god, it's already fall! i'm sure i've said this plenty of times before, but i find it truly disturbing how fast time passes. i feel like my high school years went by really slow, i've always felt sort of sluggish through my early life. but my brief time in college and everything since has felt like its gone by in a blink of an eye. i graduated highschool 3 years ago. i dropped out of college almost 2 years ago. what have i done since then? is there really anything worth noting?
it's so easy to fuck around when i think i still have "time left" - whatever that means. it's all arbitrary, and i'm sure whatever age i consider "too late" will always get pushed back the older i get. but eventually there will be a point in which i won't be able to keep making these excuses. some would say that time is now - i just don't know.
a lot of my life was spent depressed because i was very unhappy. i disliked aspects of my life (which were never that bad in the first place), and i feared i'd never be happy again. this is very heavily reflected in my past posts, especially those from when i was in college. i felt empty, emotionless, like there was no real reason for continuing on. i feel like this is the most common reason for depression.
it's strange, because i live with my mother now, and i love living with her. a lot of the reasons are because i have it extremely easy here; i don't pay rent, don't cook, hell i don't even drive. i work 20hrs a week and all that money goes to myself. i like her house, and i love my dogs, and i love my mom. i am happy, really, i'd do this for the rest of my life if i could.
and i'm not really depressed anymore, i don't think so. there are so many things in my life to be thankful for! and yet, there is this really deep, conflicting sadness in me sometimes. i think it's because i get this feeling i am prolonging the inevitable - procrastinating my depression. someday i will have to move on from this. and not only is the thought of all that adulthood scary in itself, moving out or getting a full-time job or going back to college or whatever, but losing this life is even worse. it is really terrifying to think that my happiness now means that i'll probably look back on this in the future and miss it. if i continue to live with my mom, i'll feel bad because i need to be more independent. if i become more independent, i'll feel bad because these moments of joy will be over. and i'm sure there will be more moments of joy - but can i be sure of that? will they be as joyful as they are now?
summer is kind of this moment of respite, though even that idea is kind of anti-adult. but it's fall now, and i'm not taking community college classes this semester, and i don't know if i will again. and after fall comes winter, and a new year, and it repeats all over again, this cycle. and i am stagnant in myself, but time goes on - i keep moving whether i like it or not. how much longer will my life let me do this? will i be ready when i have to be?
i have to make decisions, but i don't know how, and i don't know when, and i'm scared of making the wrong ones, because i have so many times before. sometimes i get the sense my life is already over, age 21. like all of this is just an epilogue.
ANYWAYS, enough sad stuff. time to talk about the REAL important stuff, which is my various online hobbies and interests!!!!!
i've been watching a lot of twitch & youtube lately. i think i mentioned this in my last post but i've been absolutely adoring northernlion and squeex. been playing a lot of games and doing some crafts, so i am really valuing background noise, which northernlion is incredible at. he just bants and bants and is terribly entertaining. literally like 70% of my waking hours has him in the background. i really love that guy...
i got a steam deck for my birthday, and i have been using it a ton. i honestly didn't realize how annoying using a laptop was until i got the steam deck, and now i literally only play games on my laptop if i have to. otherwise it's straight to steam deck!! over the last few weeks, i've been playing the heck out of hogwarts legacy, which is a really fun experience. it's kind of funny, because i don't think it's an amazing game by any means, but also it is really amazing. i just value being a silly little wizard so much - there is something so innately enamoring about living a different life full of magic and whimsy and excitement and being good at it (easy to pretend that if i lived in this fictional world, i'd study really hard and be really good at my subjects and etc etc). the game is just so atmospheric and pretty to look at, too - i've spent hours just exploring hogwarts and looking for various secrets. i can't think of a better harry potter experience, and it already is making me kind of sad that i'll never get to play this for the first time again.
i haven't been writing much lately, but i've been thinking about writing a lot. there is literally no feeling as good as getting nice comments on my fics, and i have some ideas i think would be really cool! but when i actually sit down and try to write, i just don't really have it in me. i'm not very discouraged by this, because this happens all the time. but it does make me wish i could get some kind of stroke of inspiration or something - i don't know. usually it's because i don't have any ideas, but this time i do - i just don't know how to write them. tough, very tough. i've been thinking of starting to read again, at least some classics, because it freaks me out that i value writing but have literally not read a single book since high school. but all of this is still very much an idea because i spend the majority of my free time playing games...
i don't really know what else to say, so i think i'll end it here. i feel like i'll probably have more to say later, so maybe i'll add on to this (but it is very unlikely). here's to another post, hopefully sooner than later. thank you for reading. have a good september.
