hello, folks! hello, hello, hello! been two months, isn't that wild! goodness, goodness, goodness!
i'm in a pleasant mood, because things are rather pleasant in my life. just doing the things i enjoy and not worrying about my future at all, which looks awfully dim whenever i decide to dwell on it. but no matter, for that is not the purpose of this post (thank god, because i have nothing else to say about it).
for general updates, this semester of community college is almost over, and for once i'm actually on top of my work ?!? generally . . . i wrote a story i really liked in creative writing last month and the prof said it was decent, but now another story is due this week and i haven't done it at all... i'm really kind of sad because i feel like i'm falling out of writing again, which is perhaps a silly notion because i could just... write! if i want to write, like no one's stopping me or anything. but the desire comes and goes and i think being in a situation where i have to write kills it even faster. not to mention that it has to be original work, which i've hardly written any of in my life--not that i'd ever willingly submit fanfiction, but god it's hard to be creative sometimes.
i've always felt this way about hyperfixations and obsessions and whatever, but it's scary to be really obsessed with something and somehow even scarier to not be obsessed with anything. right now it's like i'm sort of floundering between interests, which means i don't really have an urge to be creative. normally, this wouldn't be an issue, but with the class, and my desire to make something, but not knowing what... i don't know why it's affecting me so much this time. oh well...
i'm not sure what i'm going to do this summer, or next year, and anything further than that is just some giant question mark. it's kind of easy to forget everything when i just take some random classes and do my little job and spend all the other time gaming or reading or whatever, but when i'm faced with decisions again, it forces me to reflect on this past semester, year, half-decade, etc... and i kind of realize i'm still in the same place i was back then. i don't think there's anything wrong with being behind, but it's been instilled in me the notion that we must always be moving forward. and i don't really think i'm moving forward right now... oh well...
ANYWAY, who cares about my boring life, certainly not me!!! what really matters is the online hobbies and interests i have taken a liking to, which there are plenty!
been watching a lot of streamers over the past few weeks, though i don't typically bother watching them live. my current favorite is this dude named northernlion, which is some thirty-something bald guy who really loves roguelikes. unlike most streamers, where you can tell playing video games for the majority of their day has rotted their brains away, NL is crazy intelligent and has a really impressive level of knowledge that i could never dream of matching. he's a real funny guy, and i like him a lot!
i also really like these streamers named squeex and chiblee, both of which are absolute hoots. i've noticed i really enjoy streamers that can make fun of themselves--squeex especially has a chat that literally just bullies him all the time, but it somehow makes him a lot more endearing because he takes it in stride and never lets it get to him. chiblee's just a funny dude. wow, isn't this riveting ?!
i've been gaming a shit ton over the past month or so. stardew valley, the popular farming sim, got a big update and it kickstarted my love for it again. i've been playing it with a friend and we've been very much enjoying ourselves. there's something sooo perfect about the game, and multiplayer makes it even better. i love it a lot!!
i've been buying a lot of other games, which i have come to the understanding that i should probably stop doing. it's not like they're crazy expensive or anything, because i only buy them in bundles or on massive discount, but my library has grown quite large and now i'm sporting a real overwhelming backlog. so many things i want to play, so little time, and buying more isn't helping!!!
maybe two weeks ago, i finished this game called disco elysium, and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since, so these the remainder of this post is dedicated to info dumping about it. buckle your seatbelts!
disco elysium is a roleplaying game in which you play a depressed, alcoholic cop with amnesia. you've got voices in your head and no idea what's going on, but you have to solve the case of a hanged man in the back of a hostel. you're joined by a cop from another precinct named kim, and you get to explore this small, dying town called martinaise as you go about figuring out the case. this description is very vague, but it's hard to go into detail about it... really hard...
what's so COOL about disco elysium is that while you are playing as an established character, since he has amnesia about himself and his past, you essentially get to create a lot of his personality. there are a bunch of different stats you can put points into, such as drama, logic, empathy, etc, which means you can make some really buff stupid guy or someone who is constantly measuring spaces and noticing details. there are also choices you can make in dialogue, which also contribute to your character. this is most notable in political options--you can be communist, fascist, neoliberal, anything at all! adding on to all of that, there are also these "thoughts" that you can only have a certain amount of, which also define you. the thoughts do contribute small bonuses, but the cooler part is they allow you to sort of roleplay this character--ie, you can have a thought about alcoholism, and come to a realization that you are going to try to be sober from now on. or you could completely ignore this thought, never do anything with it, and drink away your sorrows forever. it's a really neat system, because everyone who plays it will imagine a slightly different version of their character and who he is at the end!
throughout the game, there are constantly stat checks being made, via digital dice--think DnD style. this is most obvious in dialogue, but it also comes into play when you're just running around the town, as you might notice something you wouldn't have if your volition wasn't high enough... or etc. the writing in disco elysium is GORGEOUS, and it is so enchanting and engaging to read. there's this real sense of magic throughout the story, but it's not fantastical. disco elysium's world is not our world, so there's soooo much history and worldbuilding constantly being provided, and different stats provide different insights into the world, which also contributes to how you personally view the game and your character.
it is genuinely and truly astounding how deep and complex the world of disco elysium is, and we get such a small fraction of it. you learn about wars, past saints and leaders, about the discovery of the world, about what's beyond it. you learn about people's pasts and the things they go through. you can literally have like 30 minute discussions with characters about who and why they are themselves. it is such a humanizing experience.
it's really hard to describe the game past these basics, and god i have tried. i've spent multiple hours sitting at a blank page and trying to gather my thoughts enough to write a coherent, meaningful reflection on disco elysium. plenty of others have done it, so why can't i?
i don't think i can do it justice. it really feels like there are no words i can say that might truly translate the profound, deeply emotional nature of disco elysium. even writing this now feels silly, because i am thinking of the game and getting teary-eyed and realizing these words don't even express a fraction of it. disco elysium is a world built on despair, and it makes me really melancholic to think about. we don't get to see much of the greater world in the game, but the town of martinaise is falling apart, and desolate, and everyone in the town knows it, which makes it that much worse. but at once point you just have to accept it, and that's the real kicker, that you as the player know people are suffering and there is nothing that can be done about it.
oh god, i'm hating everything i'm writing right now. anyway, SPOILER ALERT because i can't bother writing this generic mushy garbage anymore.
there are SO many moments from disco elysium that have really stuck with me. even small quests carry so much weight to them. there's this one part where you're looking for a woman's husband, who was supposed to return home a few days ago. you finally find him, dead, on a small pier on the other side of town. so you have to go back and tell the woman her husband died. she asks you how long he was there before he was found, and if you have high enough empathy, it tells you: "if you say 'two days maybe' it will be etched in her mind forever." which is just such a deeply haunting line, oh my god. and then afterwards, you leave, and you never see her again for the rest of the game. it's just one tiny moment in this greater moment and you just have to move on from it. it's so damn heartbreaking.
i think the event that most resonated with me is about one of the side quests where you meet these cryptozoologists who are chasing this mysterious creature called the insulidian phasmid, some stickbug that has never been caught on camera before but they're certain is real. think bigfoot, or the yeti, or even aliens. stuff that the general majority of people have deemed bullshit.
if you take them up on this quest, you can check the cages, talk to them about it, learn that the two cryptozoologists are a couple and actually met BECAUSE of this phasmid, like the old woman in a wheelchair saw it when she was little and then told it to the old guy when they were young adults, and they've been together ever since. essentially, you understand this phasmid has been a facet of their lives since they were young, and they've been on the search for it ever since.
you get your hopes up when one of the cages is void of its locust bait, but then you learn the local troublemaker took them, so the phasmid didn't do it at all. there's this deep, awful sense of disappointment in telling the folks it wasn't the creature after all, and the woman basically admits she's lost hope. then that's it.
when i was playing it, i was so certain the phasmid was real, because the devs wouldn't do that to us, right? wouldn't just bring it up and not actually make it true. i chose all the options that made harry (our character) certain it was real, because i believed. and then the quest ended without the phasmid, and the cages were still there but there were just locusts inside. i even checked them multiple times throughout the rest of the game but there was never anything else. so i resigned myself to the acceptance that it was another one of the disappointments of the world, that these things just weren't real.
in one of the final scenes, you finally find the murderer of the hanged man, the one from the beginning of the game. and when you approach him and accuse him of everything you discovered, you find he's gone insane. and then when you go to arrest him...
THE INSULIDIAN PHASMID APPEARS.
to say i was shocked is a gross understatement. oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. to see something like that, something i had genuinely given up on, was one of if not the most profound moment i've ever had in a game. it appears... and it's beautiful. and i don't know how to explain it any more than this, without the risk of it sounding any lamer, but this scene has stuck with me the most because i can remember the real, abject disappointment i had checking the cages and finally understanding it was not real. but it was, but it was. and the conversation you have with this phasmid is so honest and loving and innocent. it is just as intrigued at you as you are at it. there is a kinship, an understanding, a truth. oh my god...
i'm thinking about other scenes that have impacted me and there are so many, i could write about every single one and turn this into a 5-hour long read... as you play, you learn that your character, harry, had alcohol & drug-induced amnesia because he is so deeply heartbroken over a breakup with the love of his life. and you get tiny glimpses into this as the game progresses--a sleepy phone call via a number you somehow remember, an orange-scented gum wrapper. even the voices in your head refer to her with bated breath before reminding each other not to bring her up.
one of the final scenes of the game is this dream-induced vision you have of the woman you lost. she's beautiful, and kind, and she's leaving. and you try desperately to stop her, and it's this grand realization of what you've been running from the entire game, what prompted this amnesia to begin with. this dream is the kicker, the ultimate punch in the gut, because she reminds you that you've had the dream before, and you'll have it again, over and over, and that she's been gone for years. but you never healed from it, never moved on, still wallowing in despair. it's so fucking sad, to finally figure out your past and realize you don't want to know it after all. to know there is inevitable sorrow waiting for you.
at the end of the day, i'm not sure if disco elysium is hopeful or hopeless, and i wonder if it's possible to be both. when i think about the world of elysium i am filled with a real sense of despair, because so much of it is corrupt and awful and it is a lot like the real world. and seeing it through the eyes of this guy who has lost so much, has spent the last few years downing alcohol until he can't think anymore, really draws up an ugly picture. when i think about harry, i am deeply sad.
but then there's the phasmid, this creature of discovery and life and new beauty beyond what is known. and there are the characters you say goodbye to, and the owner of the hostel even cleans up your room for you because he thinks you did good. and you get to shake the hand of this union gang leader who despised you at the beginning but genuinely respects you now, and you get to reconcile with your police squad, and even recruit the guy who you worked on the case with, because he thinks you're such a good detective.
and there is a whole world, a whole lifetime left of possibilities for these people, and you set up a club for teenagers and discover a hole in the world and there is hope, inherent hope, because people have long continued through bleak times and come out stronger because of it. and there's this line you can paint on a wall: something beautiful is going to happen. is this a threat, a promise, or a dream?
disco elysium is the most beautiful game i've ever played, and i don't know what to do now that it's over. oh my god.......
i'll dedicate this final info-dump paragraph to my favorite character in the game and one of my favorite characters ever, kim kitsuragi. he's your temp-partner from another precinct, and he is so respectful and understanding. you do a lot of crazy shit throughout the game, because you're a crazy motherfucker! but kim always takes it in stride and guides you back on track when needed. he's not a pushover, though; he's serious and amusing and dedicated to his job. it's amazing how well they've written him. he is genuinely the best friend someone like harry could ever ask for. I LOVE KIM KITSURAGI!!
anyway, YEAH. disco elysium is... disco elysium. gorgeous game, life-changing experience, what more is there to say? i don't know how anyone could create something like that, could produce so many harrowing, meaningful moments. it's inspiring, in some ways, but it also leaves me feeling so hollow because how am i meant to even create a fraction of that? it's like the bar has been raised so high i can't even see it anymore. everything i've tried to do since has fallen awfully flat. oh well. i'm sure i'll move on.
thank you for reading! hopefully next post i'll be a bit more normal. we'll see :)
