heyo folks! hope you're having a good FEBRUARY. what the fuck?!? i know. time really just likes to speed on by.
i've been lazy about making another post because i don't have much to say... it's kind of funny that being less depressed means i have less to write about, isn't that strange? i feel like i should have so much to say and write and rant about (lovingly) but i just don't really have anything.
i wish i did, because i'm sad i killed my semi-monthly streak of writing on this blog, and i worry a bit that it is over forever. or that i'll come back when i'm feeling like shit again, whenever that is. so it's a little bit of a double-edged sword; no posts means i'm doing better :D but also means i don't have much to come back to later on...
i think it's just that time goes by so fast now, and when i'm not caught up in how dogshit i feel about myself and my life, there's not much time for thinking, either. i have so much to do!!! so many games to play or things to read or people to talk to and it just gets so BUSY in a good way. but i do think i should still find the time now and again to write on here, about anything at all, because even if i think it's boring and uneventful now, i'll surely enjoy looking back on it in the future.
okay, general interests UPDATE!:
i still love loki! but i'm not, like, thinking about him everyday like i did before. i keep up with comics he's in and feel allllll sorts of things about season 2 of the show, and i'm certainly going to keep collecting his comics, but it's not so intense anymore, which i certainly prefer. it's nice to like the character as a casual thing, something i still hold dearly to my heart but don't go rabid over. it's a good compromise.
over the last half year i listened to a ton of radiohead, which is weird to say because i don't think it was depression-based at all like memes like to say. radiohead certainly has sad songs and some real beautiful tracks, but i just like their stuff. i'm really fond of the bends and a moon shaped pool, which i am also aware literally no one on the internet considers their best work. oh well! but honestly i like almost everything they've made!
ugh i tried to continue hunter x hunter from like almost a year ago when i was trying to get into anime, but i stopped watching again. what's really funny is i stopped at the beginning of the bug arc and when continuing this past month or two, i ALMOST finished the bug arc but got so sick of it i had to stop again. for context, this one arc is like 40% of the entire show, oh my god. and it's really not even that good; i've found ALL the previous arcs to be INFINITELY more entertaining than this one. i guess i'll come back to it in another year.
i've been super super into the same minecraft server i've written about a million times. i got an unexpected promotion in one of my roles on it and it just makes me realize again how much i love the people on the server and how much they like me too! as someone who's always had trouble putting myself out there into online communities, i am just so grateful, constantly, ALWAYS grateful that i've found such a family on this server. it's really silly to write it out like this, but it's been almost 3 years that i've been on this server, and i have no thoughts of leaving any time soon. this silly server has been my safe spot for the worst depression episodes of my life, and the people i talk to on there have been such comforts. the internet is a horrible place sometimes, but other times it really is exactly what you need in life. things are good, yknow?
on a similar note, a site i spent likely thousands of hours on in high school is shutting down at the end of this month (so in like 5 days). it was a pixel-making site and general chatting site, and the ways it has made me who i am today are truly uncountable. some of my greatest internet friends and my greatest obsessions have come from that site; i truly cannot emphasize enough how much that site affected me as a teen. i would never have made art if it wasn't for that site, and there are people i used to or still talk to from it that i cannot imagine my life without.
so it's a funny, such a funny feeling that it's closing. i've never experienced this before... i just can't believe it's going to be gone. i haven't really played it for a few years but i'd always go on every few months to look at my stuff and chat and make some art. i thought it was going to be eternal, infinite, forever and ever. i used to wish it would close thinking it never would.
i'm in a discord server with a lot of the people that also played it and it's so strange to see them and realize how much i don't fit into the general culture of that site anymore. for context, there was literally 0 censorship on that server and it mainly relied on people of higher "rank" mass-reporting things or people they didn't like; this is a gross generalization but it's important to understand how absurdly toxic the very grounds of this site was. i feel so incredibly lucky that my experiences on there were fairly tame because i'm sure there was and likely still are some real awful stuff and people on there.
i never indulged in like... the real toxic side of it all or whatever that a lot of the players enjoyed, but i certainly never really fought against it, either. it was such a staple part of that game, that people just said the edgiest stuff that came to mind, that no one even thought much of it. but then, moving on to other things, like the minecraft server i now enjoy, and then looking back at this game i used to play, i realize how gross it all is. i guess it just comes down to people being children? i've matured? i guess it's nice to know i can now recognize how awful everyone is, but it makes me kind of sad, too, that i spent so long on that site talking to such hateful people. i like to think i turned out okay, though, at least morally.
but yeah, anyway, i long wished that site would end because i thought the community sucked, etc etc, but now actually facing the end, i'm nothing but sad. i think it'll be so strange to not be able to hop on whenever i need some nostalgia, you know? it makes me want to reconnect with those people on there, but then when i actually do, i'm just reminded again how like 98% of them suck. it's a sad little cycle. i'm just sad it'll be gone, because it really did define my high school years.
i'm taking a creative writing class right now and i really like it. i do like my writing and my general skills, but i'm shitty at every other step of the process, from planning to actually writing stuff down, to finishing. there are classmates that say "ugh i only get like 50 pages into books i try to write before i give up" and i'm sitting there, like, the longest thing i've ever written was like 15 pages and that was a fanfic i never even finished. it's crazy to see what others have accomplished, and it's really an eye-opener to what i want to achieve as a writer. honestly, since returning back to the world of fanfic writing, i've realized i really value creating stories for worlds that already exist, for people like me that crave more of them. there is definitely (perhaps objectively) more value to making your own world, your original work, and i'm not against that at all; in the future, i hope i have it in me to write something like that.
actually, over the few days i've been writing this blog post, we had an assignment in said creative writing class that apparently i did phenomenal in. this is literally just bragging, but the professor said in front of EVERYONE that mine was the only one he gave 100% to and his favorite out of all the others. isn't that crazy?!?! the way literally any praise from an authority figure sticks with me forever... i keep going back to the feedback he gave me (which is essentially "this is amazing! so good!") and just feeling soooo proud and fulfilled and pleased with how i did. he read it to the class and i noticed like a million little errors... lol. but it feels really really surprisingly good to be praised for something i think i'm actually good at, which is writing--i've spent a lot of my life pursuing subjects i don't think i ever had an affinity for, but writing is something i've always loved and it's so pleasant to take classes that pertain to this really beloved hobby.
moving on... back when i was 12-14 i was super into dan and phil, the internet youtube duo sensation, and i've only been getting back into them over the past year or so, and it's so wonderful because they've grown and so am i. a lot of their viewers are like me, having grown up with them and now are older, and wiser, and generally less of a creep, so it's such a pleasant experience all around. it's really a deeply satisfying feeling to come back to things i used to love and regain my love for them again. i could never hate my younger self, because she is me and i am her. i hope she might look at me today and feel a sense of pride, at least a little.
i bought a gaming pc off amazon back in like november or so, and it never really worked great (it's from a reputable company and whatnot so it's not like i got scammed or anything) but it did fine, but a few weeks ago it stopped working completely. and i know all i really have to do is call the company and tell them about it and they'll probably tell me to send it in and fix it for me, but oh my god the anxiety of doing it is killing me. i think there's a lot of different factors that come into play here, but it's mostly the fact that i feel like an idiot all the time with so many things and worry this random person on the other end of the line is going to judge me for my lack of pc knowledge, even though i also know the inherent act of calling a support hotline is revealing said lack of knowledge anyway. but still, i keep putting it off, this big hunk of a pc just sitting under my desk and a large monitor, dead behind the little shitty laptop i have returned to using, and i figure i could kind of go the rest of my life without a pc again, as i spent most of my life before, but i spent like 800 bucks on it. so i figure i'll call it eventually, i actually told myself yesterday i'd do it today, but it is now obvious i won't, and so i'm once again not sure when i will, if i will, but i MUST, but i can't.
anyway.... yeah. i keep leaving this post because i hope to write more, but now i'm here and i think this is it, this is all i got for now, which is a good amount, but it's a little sad in an alarming way that all i tend to write about is my internet obsessions. i used to do sports, i used to do clubs, i used to do more than sit in bed or at my desk and type all day or game all day. i don't miss any of that, but i do recognize how... pathetic i've become now, even if i feel rather fulfilled overall. i hope you don't mind the sort of rambly tone i've taken on throughout this; i read somewhere that a staple of fanfiction is a lot of commas, and i do tend to use quite a few. i used to feel it came off as unpolished, but there's a certain kind of charm that comes with it, too, and i've found i rather dig it.
but yeah. have a good day, week, etc, folks. i hope to write next month! someday! i'll be back, i'm sure.
