holidays and hobbies galore!

hello folks! happy holidays!

i'm currently staying at my grandfather's house with my mother and sister. we only really visit once a year (at christmas) so it's a sort-of special occasion. personally, i really dislike visiting family, which i know sounds really ungrateful, especially because they obviously care about me. i think in the future i might look back and regret not being more active in these moments - my grandpa is like 92 after all. but even still, with all my lamenting about time moving so fast and reminiscing on the past and etc, i can't help but wish i was still at home, in my room, curled up with my laptop. maybe i'm a bad person.

my life has been almost exactly the same since my last post. i work ~20 hours a week and spend the rest indulging in whatever suits my fancy, which is mostly video games and other videos. anyway, the vast majority of this post will be about my various hobbies. an interesting read, i'm sure.

i've been watching a lot of streams. northernlion is my favorite and i loathe the days he's not live. i think i've said this before - and it's obviously all relative as streamers tend not to be the... brightest-seeming bunch - but NL is truly an intelligent man. he somehow has a million different things he can ramble about, which is why his content is so entertaining - he plays some very repetitive games but can always make them fun to watch. love that guy a lot. 

i've been playing a lot of video games. finished hogwarts legacy soon after my last post and have been chasing that high ever since - i know receptions for that game have been mixed, but for me it was quite literally the perfect experience. i've said it before and i'll say it forever, but for all it's worth, the world of harry potter is really quite an enticing one. i've seen other magical worlds and none do it for me as much as HP. i've heard talks that there may be a sequel, and while i'm not sure anything could live up to the magic of exploring hogwarts for the first time, i really hope it does happen. 

in the meantime, i've started playing the witcher 3, which is a very cool game. my backlog is MASSIVE at this point and i keep buying games too, which doesn't help. i know there's the whole spiel about like, you don't have to 100% a game and if you feel satisfied with what you've played it's worth it, but it's hard for me to feel like i've really played a game until i finished it. and i get the urge to restart any game i've taken more than a 6 month break from, which doesn't help the process whatsoever. i think in 2024 i finished about... 5 games. out of like 300. woof. 

i've been watching a lot of horror movies over the past few months, which has really been an enlightening experience. i'd always considered myself to be a real hater of horror, cause video game horror is so damn scary! but movies really aren't that scary, shockingly! i never realized how much of a cultural impact classic horror movies have, so it's really interesting to see them. i've seen quite a few, such as night of the living dead, halloween, the ring (japanese version), nightmare on elm street, and the texas chainsaw massacre, as well as a few more recent ones like hereditary, midsommar, and most recently i watched smile 2!

the modern ones are much scarier - hereditary is actually genuinely spooky, and though smile 2 is pretty lame in concept, it does have its creepier moments (i'm typing this in pitch black darkness and am actually on edge remembering it lol). but i think i'm more partial towards the older stuff, because there's real charm in their jankiness despite their lack of fright. some of them sucked but many of them have stuck with me much more than i ever would have expected. the exorcist, for example, is absolutely phenomenal. what i've realized about horror movies is that they can be entirely horror-based, all gorey and just a mass murder chasing spree, but the best ones actually try to have some kind of emotional plea towards the viewer in a way i really appreciate. 

midsommar and hereditary are both made by ari aster, whose style i've really come to appreciate (i've only seen these two by him though so i'm no expert lol). one of the biggest takeaways i've gotten from these films is that the scariest thing by far is grief. aster really loves just putting the worst, most heart-wrenching moments of grief in his films that are so utterly sad that it's hard to even think about. and the worst part is that while so much of horror is based in fantasy, grief is real and unavoidable. isn't that terrifying?

anyway, i've really enjoyed this venture into the foray of horror, and i hope to continue it as i've got many more i'd like to see. i don't think i'll EVER want to play horror games though, as those are just unimaginably scary. i'll stick to watching someone else play them, thank you very much.

hmm... i've been watching some shows, but very casually. community is a show i've really fallen in love with, which is funny because i've hated it for MONTHS. i tried watching it ages ago, thought it was really lame and fell flat, and resigned myself to the idea that i'd just never really vibe with it. but one day a month or so ago i was like "you know what. i'm going to watch it." and it's like i just decided to enjoy it and now i love it. who would have thought?

i think with community you really have to recognize it almost as this spectacle of theater, which is not really seen in television shows. community is absurdly silly and always has some kind of emotional revelation at the end to boot, which isn't really appealing if you're not in the right mindset for it. but it is such a funny show and has some really sweet moments as well. there are definitely some elements that i don't resonate with, which are glaringly obvious whenever i try to show it to anyone else. but overall it's such a fun experience. highly recommend!

as of late, i've been really into folksy-type music, whatever that genre means. kings of convenience especially have been on repeat - they have this one song called "failure" which i've been listening to nonstop. a few other songs i really enjoy are "clowns" by goldfrapp and "jim cain" by bill callahan. i've been trying to pinpoint what exactly gets me about these types of songs, and i think it's stripped back finger-picking guitar with violin accompaniment - a million bonus points if the picking is arpeggio-esque. add in some vaguely introspective lyrics and i'm in love with the song forever. 

over the past few months, i've been calling a lot with various internet friends (two, mainly), which have been such a delight. one of them is someone i'd consider my best friend, and we've been playing a lot of minecraft and watching movies together and just hanging out on call, which is so much fun. what's really crazy is that they live in the state i'm currently visiting, and they're like... half an hour away. and they always very eagerly put forth the idea that we could meet up and hang out in person... which i just can't even imagine doing. it's so silly, because i know they love me and i love them and we are quite literally best friends, but meeting them in person feels akin to death. it's so terrifying - i don't really have qualms with showing myself in public or whatever, but it's a really scary idea with internet friends. i am myself with them, certainly, but there is still always going to be a sort of... i don't know. "character" i put on or something, like it's me but it's a specific version of me that i've curated, you know? and meeting irl is so much more open and uncontrolled and that is frightening in a way i can't even fully comprehend. i just get this sense that i want to be a better version of myself before i open myself up to this scrutiny i feel is inevitable. i don't know.

i made a new friend back in october, and we've hit it off super well and call ~twice a week or so to play various games. i LOVE making new internet friends because it reaffirms this desperate hope that i am actually funny and clever and fun to be around. he is a super nice person and i really enjoy talking to him! it's always interesting meeting someone who is more anxious than i am, because i am suddenly turned into this voice of reason and reassurance and maturity, which is kind of funny because i am such a mess too. 

i'm most definitely an introvert and hate being out for any prolonged period of time, but i could hang out virtually with these people for quite literally 8+ hours and just feel such a sense of satisfaction and joy and love. it's easy to forget how much i value just... talking and sharing and spending time with other people, whether it's over call or text or whatever. i'm sure this will die down sometime and people will get bored with me or i might even get burnt out of them, but for now it's just an absolute delight. 

i still spend time on that one minecraft server, which is a large part of my life. i recently rejoined a position i left a year prior, and it's been really nice to be back there. i do get this looming sense that my time might be coming to a close on there - i most certainly enjoy it, but it also feels like obligation at times - i've been there for almost 4 years now, which is just crazy. but that truly is my community, as silly as that sounds (both friends i mentioned above are from that server). i don't know how i'd ever move on.

i haven't really been writing much lately, which makes me sad. my writing rarely if ever comes to fruition, but it's been some time now without really much of an idea or a spark. i feel like i need a new piece of media to fall in love with, because obsession really is a friend of creation for me. for now i thrive off the occasional comment on my fics and sometimes add a couple hundred words to half-written google docs. i'm sure the inspiration will return but for now it's quite a slog... 

been itching for some easy busywork craft hobbies over the past year or so - i've bought legos (crazy expensive and not worth it imo), knock-off legos, booknook and miniature kits (my favorite), wood puzzles, and diamond paintings. while visiting i've also just ordered a needle felting kit, which will arrive when i return home! i've found i really enjoy following directions to create something - slightly complex instructions are ideal but more mindless stuff is also enjoyable. the only issue is that, similar to video games, i get really excited about hobbies really quick and end up with so many to do! the ones i have now should last me at least a few months... but who knows what will catch my eye next? 

wow... this is crazy, because i'm trying to wrack my brain if there's anything else to write about, and i've just realized my last post was in september... which means the entire month of october has yet to be written about...!

in late october i went to dan and phil's terrible influences tour, which was just so much fun. for those who may not know, dan and phil are a british youtuber duo who've made videos for over a decade now and have captured the hearts of many a young teen, me included. so many of my early internet days were spent fawning over these two, writing and reading fanfiction and chatting with like-minded folk. i actually made my first internet friend ever when she replied to a comment i left on a dan and phil fic! fast forward a few years... and i hated them for a while for no real reason other than being very bitter and depressed and not enjoying my old interests anymore. then, flash forward to about two years ago when i decided that i needed to reminisce on the dan and phil culteral phenomenon and fell in love all over again. in what seems to be perfect timing, both also returned to the internet in the form of their joint gaming channel, and they are both happier and more fulfilled people as well! 

it's really something special because when i first started watching them i was an awkward, naive 12 yr old who didn't really understand much of anything, and discovering this internet world was like some sort of awakening. i was definitely one of those weirdos who got way too into dan and phil's "relationship" and shipped them to no end, which is crazy but also ignited my love for writing and introduced me to an invaluable community. and i even attended their FIRST tour in 2016 and screamed and cried and lost my mind as my mom watched with amusement - a core memory for me.

and my eventual disinterest with them was only natural as i moved on to other things... and then returning to them as a 19 (or whatever) yr old with a newfound understanding appreciation of them and having them return as well with a similar new outlook is just... immensely powerful. dan and phil endured a ton of creepy behavior and frankly disgusting speculation and the fact that they can return, funnier, happier, and forgiving of all of that... it's lovely. and their audience has grown with them - isn't that perfect?

anyway, seeing their tour in october, which is probably their last tour ever (unfortunately i missed their second as i was not a fan at the time) was just such a deeply moving experience. just like my younger self, i screamed and lost my mind all the same... despite our inherent differences, there is a kinship between me and her. i love her, and i hope she would love me too. 

i also saw an electric light orchestra concert, which was FANTASTIC. jeff lynne was old as fuck and did not seem entirely there but god damn did he sing and it was glorious. i've never attended concerts ever because i've never really understood the appeal, but hearing this music live was incredible and i get it now, i really do. recordings, even the best of them, can NEVER replicate the power of hearing it live, resonating around the room. all of the songs were amazing but the live rendition of steppin' out genuinely moved me to tears. lovely, lovely stuff.  

....okay! i think that is it! a lot has been happening (relative to normal) and i've just got such the urge to write about my interests! hopefully i'll have another entry sooner than later... see ya!

today is the same as yesterday (and tomorrow)

 hello, folks!

it's been a bit of a long while, certainly longer than i've intended. i actually wrote something in late june that i was planning to publish, but none of it is important and some of it is actually kind of knee-jerk embarrassing (about fanfiction no less, which no one cares about) so i think i'll just keep that in my drafts for myself forever. kind of a funny notion because this blog is already sort of like my glorified drafts, considering every "view" is likely some website-scraping bot or whatnot. but i still don't want to put what i wrote out there, for bots or people or anyone other than myself to see. 

it is strange to think that summer is truly, officially over. not because i did anything exciting, but i'm still kind of in the mindset of "oh it's late august," when it's far beyond that. i was thinking when i sat down to write this that it'd be a sort of end-of-summer reflection, but my god, it's already fall! i'm sure i've said this plenty of times before, but i find it truly disturbing how fast time passes. i feel like my high school years went by really slow, i've always felt sort of sluggish through my early life. but my brief time in college and everything since has felt like its gone by in a blink of an eye. i graduated highschool 3 years ago. i dropped out of college almost 2 years ago. what have i done since then? is there really anything worth noting?

it's so easy to fuck around when i think i still have "time left" - whatever that means. it's all arbitrary, and i'm sure whatever age i consider "too late" will always get pushed back the older i get. but eventually there will be a point in which i won't be able to keep making these excuses. some would say that time is now - i just don't know. 

a lot of my life was spent depressed because i was very unhappy. i disliked aspects of my life (which were never that bad in the first place), and i feared i'd never be happy again. this is very heavily reflected in my past posts, especially those from when i was in college. i felt empty, emotionless, like there was no real reason for continuing on. i feel like this is the most common reason for depression.

it's strange, because i live with my mother now, and i love living with her. a lot of the reasons are because i have it extremely easy here; i don't pay rent, don't cook, hell i don't even drive. i work 20hrs a week and all that money goes to myself. i like her house, and i love my dogs, and i love my mom. i am happy, really, i'd do this for the rest of my life if i could. 

and i'm not really depressed anymore, i don't think so. there are so many things in my life to be thankful for! and yet, there is this really deep, conflicting sadness in me sometimes. i think it's because i get this feeling i am prolonging the inevitable - procrastinating my depression. someday i will have to move on from this. and not only is the thought of all that adulthood scary in itself, moving out or getting a full-time job or going back to college or whatever, but losing this life is even worse. it is really terrifying to think that my happiness now means that i'll probably look back on this in the future and miss it. if i continue to live with my mom, i'll feel bad because i need to be more independent. if i become more independent, i'll feel bad because these moments of joy will be over. and i'm sure there will be more moments of joy - but can i be sure of that? will they be as joyful as they are now? 

summer is kind of this moment of respite, though even that idea is kind of anti-adult. but it's fall now, and i'm not taking community college classes this semester, and i don't know if i will again. and after fall comes winter, and a new year, and it repeats all over again, this cycle. and i am stagnant in myself, but time goes on - i keep moving whether i like it or not. how much longer will my life let me do this? will i be ready when i have to be?

i have to make decisions, but i don't know how, and i don't know when, and i'm scared of making the wrong ones, because i have so many times before. sometimes i get the sense my life is already over, age 21. like all of this is just an epilogue.

ANYWAYS, enough sad stuff. time to talk about the REAL important stuff, which is my various online hobbies and interests!!!!!

i've been watching a lot of twitch & youtube lately. i think i mentioned this in my last post but i've been absolutely adoring northernlion and squeex. been playing a lot of games and doing some crafts, so i am really valuing background noise, which northernlion is incredible at. he just bants and bants and is terribly entertaining. literally like 70% of my waking hours has him in the background. i really love that guy...

i got a steam deck for my birthday, and i have been using it a ton. i honestly didn't realize how annoying using a laptop was until i got the steam deck, and now i literally only play games on my laptop if i have to. otherwise it's straight to steam deck!! over the last few weeks, i've been playing the heck out of hogwarts legacy, which is a really fun experience. it's kind of funny, because i don't think it's an amazing game by any means, but also it is really amazing. i just value being a silly little wizard so much - there is something so innately enamoring about living a different life full of magic and whimsy and excitement and being good at it (easy to pretend that if i lived in this fictional world, i'd study really hard and be really good at my subjects and etc etc). the game is just so atmospheric and pretty to look at, too - i've spent hours just exploring hogwarts and looking for various secrets. i can't think of a better harry potter experience, and it already is making me kind of sad that i'll never get to play this for the first time again. 

i haven't been writing much lately, but i've been thinking about writing a lot. there is literally no feeling as good as getting nice comments on my fics, and i have some ideas i think would be really cool! but when i actually sit down and try to write, i just don't really have it in me. i'm not very discouraged by this, because this happens all the time. but it does make me wish i could get some kind of stroke of inspiration or something - i don't know. usually it's because i don't have any ideas, but this time i do - i just don't know how to write them. tough, very tough. i've been thinking of starting to read again, at least some classics, because it freaks me out that i value writing but have literally not read a single book since high school. but all of this is still very much an idea because i spend the majority of my free time playing games... 

i don't really know what else to say, so i think i'll end it here. i feel like i'll probably have more to say later, so maybe i'll add on to this (but it is very unlikely). here's to another post, hopefully sooner than later. thank you for reading. have a good september.

short update and a rambling disco elysium reflection (and lots of spoilers!)

 hello, folks! hello, hello, hello! been two months, isn't that wild! goodness, goodness, goodness!

i'm in a pleasant mood, because things are rather pleasant in my life. just doing the things i enjoy and not worrying about my future at all, which looks awfully dim whenever i decide to dwell on it. but no matter, for that is not the purpose of this post (thank god, because i have nothing else to say about it). 

for general updates, this semester of community college is almost over, and for once i'm actually on top of my work ?!? generally . . . i wrote a story i really liked in creative writing last month and the prof said it was decent, but now another story is due this week and i haven't done it at all... i'm really kind of sad because i feel like i'm falling out of writing again, which is perhaps a silly notion because i could just... write! if i want to write, like no one's stopping me or anything. but the desire comes and goes and i think being in a situation where i have to write kills it even faster. not to mention that it has to be original work, which i've hardly written any of in my life--not that i'd ever willingly submit fanfiction, but god it's hard to be creative sometimes. 

i've always felt this way about hyperfixations and obsessions and whatever, but it's scary to be really obsessed with something and somehow even scarier to not be obsessed with anything. right now it's like i'm sort of floundering between interests, which means i don't really have an urge to be creative. normally, this wouldn't be an issue, but with the class, and my desire to make something, but not knowing what... i don't know why it's affecting me so much this time. oh well...

i'm not sure what i'm going to do this summer, or next year, and anything further than that is just some giant question mark. it's kind of easy to forget everything when i just take some random classes and do my little job and spend all the other time gaming or reading or whatever, but when i'm faced with decisions again, it forces me to reflect on this past semester, year, half-decade, etc... and i kind of realize i'm still in the same place i was back then. i don't think there's anything wrong with being behind, but it's been instilled in me the notion that we must always be moving forward. and i don't really think i'm moving forward right now... oh well...

ANYWAY, who cares about my boring life, certainly not me!!! what really matters is the online hobbies and interests i have taken a liking to, which there are plenty! 

been watching a lot of streamers over the past few weeks, though i don't typically bother watching them live. my current favorite is this dude named northernlion, which is some thirty-something bald guy who really loves roguelikes. unlike most streamers, where you can tell playing video games for the majority of their day has rotted their brains away, NL is crazy intelligent and has a really impressive level of knowledge that i could never dream of matching. he's a real funny guy, and i like him a lot! 

i also really like these streamers named squeex and chiblee, both of which are absolute hoots. i've noticed i really enjoy streamers that can make fun of themselves--squeex especially has a chat that literally just bullies him all the time, but it somehow makes him a lot more endearing because he takes it in stride and never lets it get to him. chiblee's just a funny dude. wow, isn't this riveting ?!

i've been gaming a shit ton over the past month or so. stardew valley, the popular farming sim, got a big update and it kickstarted my love for it again. i've been playing it with a friend and we've been very much enjoying ourselves. there's something sooo perfect about the game, and multiplayer makes it even better. i love it a lot!!

i've been buying a lot of other games, which i have come to the understanding that i should probably stop doing. it's not like they're crazy expensive or anything, because i only buy them in bundles or on massive discount, but my library has grown quite large and now i'm sporting a real overwhelming backlog. so many things i want to play, so little time, and buying more isn't helping!!!

maybe two weeks ago, i finished this game called disco elysium, and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since, so these the remainder of this post is dedicated to info dumping about it. buckle your seatbelts!

disco elysium is a roleplaying game in which you play a depressed, alcoholic cop with amnesia. you've got voices in your head and no idea what's going on, but you have to solve the case of a hanged man in the back of a hostel. you're joined by a cop from another precinct named kim, and you get to explore this small, dying town called martinaise as you go about figuring out the case. this description is very vague, but it's hard to go into detail about it... really hard...

what's so COOL about disco elysium is that while you are playing as an established character, since he has amnesia about himself and his past, you essentially get to create a lot of his personality. there are a bunch of different stats you can put points into, such as drama, logic, empathy, etc, which means you can make some really buff stupid guy or someone who is constantly measuring spaces and noticing details. there are also choices you can make in dialogue, which also contribute to your character. this is most notable in political options--you can be communist, fascist, neoliberal, anything at all! adding on to all of that, there are also these "thoughts" that you can only have a certain amount of, which also define you. the thoughts do contribute small bonuses, but the cooler part is they allow you to sort of roleplay this character--ie, you can have a thought about alcoholism, and come to a realization that you are going to try to be sober from now on. or you could completely ignore this thought, never do anything with it, and drink away your sorrows forever. it's a really neat system, because everyone who plays it will imagine a slightly different version of their character and who he is at the end!

throughout the game, there are constantly stat checks being made, via digital dice--think DnD style. this is most obvious in dialogue, but it also comes into play when you're just running around the town, as you might notice something you wouldn't have if your volition wasn't high enough... or etc. the writing in disco elysium is GORGEOUS, and it is so enchanting and engaging to read. there's this real sense of magic throughout the story, but it's not fantastical. disco elysium's world is not our world, so there's soooo much history and worldbuilding constantly being provided, and different stats provide different insights into the world, which also contributes to how you personally view the game and your character. 

it is genuinely and truly astounding how deep and complex the world of disco elysium is, and we get such a small fraction of it. you learn about wars, past saints and leaders, about the discovery of the world, about what's beyond it. you learn about people's pasts and the things they go through. you can literally have like 30 minute discussions with characters about who and why they are themselves. it is such a humanizing experience.

it's really hard to describe the game past these basics, and god i have tried. i've spent multiple hours sitting at a blank page and trying to gather my thoughts enough to write a coherent, meaningful reflection on disco elysium. plenty of others have done it, so why can't i? 

i don't think i can do it justice. it really feels like there are no words i can say that might truly translate the profound, deeply emotional nature of disco elysium. even writing this now feels silly, because i am thinking of the game and getting teary-eyed and realizing these words don't even express a fraction of it. disco elysium is a world built on despair, and it makes me really melancholic to think about. we don't get to see much of the greater world in the game, but the town of martinaise is falling apart, and desolate, and everyone in the town knows it, which makes it that much worse. but at once point you just have to accept it, and that's the real kicker, that you as the player know people are suffering and there is nothing that can be done about it. 

oh god, i'm hating everything i'm writing right now. anyway, SPOILER ALERT because i can't bother writing this generic mushy garbage anymore. 

there are SO many moments from disco elysium that have really stuck with me. even small quests carry so much weight to them. there's this one part where you're looking for a woman's husband, who was supposed to return home a few days ago. you finally find him, dead, on a small pier on the other side of town. so you have to go back and tell the woman her husband died. she asks you how long he was there before he was found, and if you have high enough empathy, it tells you: "if you say 'two days maybe' it will be etched in her mind forever." which is just such a deeply haunting line, oh my god. and then afterwards, you leave, and you never see her again for the rest of the game. it's just one tiny moment in this greater moment and you just have to move on from it. it's so damn heartbreaking.

i think the event that most resonated with me is about one of the side quests where you meet these cryptozoologists who are chasing this mysterious creature called the insulidian phasmid, some stickbug that has never been caught on camera before but they're certain is real. think bigfoot, or the yeti, or even aliens. stuff that the general majority of people have deemed bullshit. 

if you take them up on this quest, you can check the cages, talk to them about it, learn that the two cryptozoologists are a couple and actually met BECAUSE of this phasmid, like the old woman in a wheelchair saw it when she was little and then told it to the old guy when they were young adults, and they've been together ever since. essentially, you understand this phasmid has been a facet of their lives since they were young, and they've been on the search for it ever since. 

you get your hopes up when one of the cages is void of its locust bait, but then you learn the local troublemaker took them, so the phasmid didn't do it at all. there's this deep, awful sense of disappointment in telling the folks it wasn't the creature after all, and the woman basically admits she's lost hope. then that's it. 

when i was playing it, i was so certain the phasmid was real, because the devs wouldn't do that to us, right? wouldn't just bring it up and not actually make it true. i chose all the options that made harry (our character) certain it was real, because i believed. and then the quest ended without the phasmid, and the cages were still there but there were just locusts inside. i even checked them multiple times throughout the rest of the game but there was never anything else. so i resigned myself to the acceptance that it was another one of the disappointments of the world, that these things just weren't real. 

in one of the final scenes, you finally find the murderer of the hanged man, the one from the beginning of the game. and when you approach him and accuse him of everything you discovered, you find he's gone insane. and then when you go to arrest him...

THE INSULIDIAN PHASMID APPEARS. 

to say i was shocked is a gross understatement. oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. to see something like that, something i had genuinely given up on, was one of if not the most profound moment i've ever had in a game. it appears... and it's beautiful. and i don't know how to explain it any more than this, without the risk of it sounding any lamer, but this scene has stuck with me the most because i can remember the real, abject disappointment i had checking the cages and finally understanding it was not real. but it was, but it was. and the conversation you have with this phasmid is so honest and loving and innocent. it is just as intrigued at you as you are at it. there is a kinship, an understanding, a truth. oh my god...

i'm thinking about other scenes that have impacted me and there are so many, i could write about every single one and turn this into a 5-hour long read... as you play, you learn that your character, harry, had alcohol & drug-induced amnesia because he is so deeply heartbroken over a breakup with the love of his life. and you get tiny glimpses into this as the game progresses--a sleepy phone call via a number you somehow remember, an orange-scented gum wrapper. even the voices in your head refer to her with bated breath before reminding each other not to bring her up. 

one of the final scenes of the game is this dream-induced vision you have of the woman you lost. she's beautiful, and kind, and she's leaving. and you try desperately to stop her, and it's this grand realization of what you've been running from the entire game, what prompted this amnesia to begin with. this dream is the kicker, the ultimate punch in the gut, because she reminds you that you've had the dream before, and you'll have it again, over and over, and that she's been gone for years. but you never healed from it, never moved on, still wallowing in despair. it's so fucking sad, to finally figure out your past and realize you don't want to know it after all. to know there is inevitable sorrow waiting for you. 

at the end of the day, i'm not sure if disco elysium is hopeful or hopeless, and i wonder if it's possible to be both. when i think about the world of elysium i am filled with a real sense of despair, because so much of it is corrupt and awful and it is a lot like the real world. and seeing it through the eyes of this guy who has lost so much, has spent the last few years downing alcohol until he can't think anymore, really draws up an ugly picture. when i think about harry, i am deeply sad. 

but then there's the phasmid, this creature of discovery and life and new beauty beyond what is known. and there are the characters you say goodbye to, and the owner of the hostel even cleans up your room for you because he thinks you did good. and you get to shake the hand of this union gang leader who despised you at the beginning but genuinely respects you now, and you get to reconcile with your police squad, and even recruit the guy who you worked on the case with, because he thinks you're such a good detective. 

and there is a whole world, a whole lifetime left of possibilities for these people, and you set up a club for teenagers and discover a hole in the world and there is hope, inherent hope, because people have long continued through bleak times and come out stronger because of it. and there's this line you can paint on a wall: something beautiful is going to happen. is this a threat, a promise, or a dream? 

disco elysium is the most beautiful game i've ever played, and i don't know what to do now that it's over. oh my god....... 

i'll dedicate this final info-dump paragraph to my favorite character in the game and one of my favorite characters ever, kim kitsuragi. he's your temp-partner from another precinct, and he is so respectful and understanding. you do a lot of crazy shit throughout the game, because you're a crazy motherfucker! but kim always takes it in stride and guides you back on track when needed. he's not a pushover, though; he's serious and amusing and dedicated to his job. it's amazing how well they've written him. he is genuinely the best friend someone like harry could ever ask for. I LOVE KIM KITSURAGI!!

anyway, YEAH. disco elysium is... disco elysium. gorgeous game, life-changing experience, what more is there to say? i don't know how anyone could create something like that, could produce so many harrowing, meaningful moments. it's inspiring, in some ways, but it also leaves me feeling so hollow because how am i meant to even create a fraction of that? it's like the bar has been raised so high i can't even see it anymore. everything i've tried to do since has fallen awfully flat. oh well. i'm sure i'll move on.

thank you for reading! hopefully next post i'll be a bit more normal. we'll see :)

thriving in stagnation

heyo folks! hope you're having a good FEBRUARY. what the fuck?!? i know. time really just likes to speed on by.

i've been lazy about making another post because i don't have much to say... it's kind of funny that being less depressed means i have less to write about, isn't that strange? i feel like i should have so much to say and write and rant about (lovingly) but i just don't really have anything. 

i wish i did, because i'm sad i killed my semi-monthly streak of writing on this blog, and i worry a bit that it is over forever. or that i'll come back when i'm feeling like shit again, whenever that is. so it's a little bit of a double-edged sword; no posts means i'm doing better :D but also means i don't have much to come back to later on... 

i think it's just that time goes by so fast now, and when i'm not caught up in how dogshit i feel about myself and my life, there's not much time for thinking, either. i have so much to do!!! so many games to play or things to read or people to talk to and it just gets so BUSY in a good way. but i do think i should still find the time now and again to write on here, about anything at all, because even if i think it's boring and uneventful now, i'll surely enjoy looking back on it in the future. 

okay, general interests UPDATE!: 

i still love loki! but i'm not, like, thinking about him everyday like i did before. i keep up with comics he's in and feel allllll sorts of things about season 2 of the show, and i'm certainly going to keep collecting his comics, but it's not so intense anymore, which i certainly prefer. it's nice to like the character as a casual thing, something i still hold dearly to my heart but don't go rabid over. it's a good compromise.

over the last half year i listened to a ton of radiohead, which is weird to say because i don't think it was depression-based at all like memes like to say. radiohead certainly has sad songs and some real beautiful tracks, but i just like their stuff. i'm really fond of the bends and a moon shaped pool, which i am also aware literally no one on the internet considers their best work. oh well! but honestly i like almost everything they've made!

ugh i tried to continue hunter x hunter from like almost a year ago when i was trying to get into anime, but i stopped watching again. what's really funny is i stopped at the beginning of the bug arc and when continuing this past month or two, i ALMOST finished the bug arc but got so sick of it i had to stop again. for context, this one arc is like 40% of the entire show, oh my god. and it's really not even that good; i've found ALL the previous arcs to be INFINITELY more entertaining than this one. i guess i'll come back to it in another year. 

i've been super super into the same minecraft server i've written about a million times. i got an unexpected promotion in one of my roles on it and it just makes me realize again how much i love the people on the server and how much they like me too! as someone who's always had trouble putting myself out there into online communities, i am just so grateful, constantly, ALWAYS grateful that i've found such a family on this server. it's really silly to write it out like this, but it's been almost 3 years that i've been on this server, and i have no thoughts of leaving any time soon. this silly server has been my safe spot for the worst depression episodes of my life, and the people i talk to on there have been such comforts. the internet is a horrible place sometimes, but other times it really is exactly what you need in life. things are good, yknow?

on a similar note, a site i spent likely thousands of hours on in high school is shutting down at the end of this month (so in like 5 days). it was a pixel-making site and general chatting site, and the ways it has made me who i am today are truly uncountable. some of my greatest internet friends and my greatest obsessions have come from that site; i truly cannot emphasize enough how much that site affected me as a teen. i would never have made art if it wasn't for that site, and there are people i used to or still talk to from it that i cannot imagine my life without. 

so it's a funny, such a funny feeling that it's closing. i've never experienced this before... i just can't believe it's going to be gone. i haven't really played it for a few years but i'd always go on every few months to look at my stuff and chat and make some art. i thought it was going to be eternal, infinite, forever and ever. i used to wish it would close thinking it never would. 

i'm in a discord server with a lot of the people that also played it and it's so strange to see them and realize how much i don't fit into the general culture of that site anymore. for context, there was literally 0 censorship on that server and it mainly relied on people of higher "rank" mass-reporting things or people they didn't like; this is a gross generalization but it's important to understand how absurdly toxic the very grounds of this site was. i feel so incredibly lucky that my experiences on there were fairly tame because i'm sure there was and likely still are some real awful stuff and people on there. 

i never indulged in like... the real toxic side of it all or whatever that a lot of the players enjoyed, but i certainly never really fought against it, either. it was such a staple part of that game, that people just said the edgiest stuff that came to mind, that no one even thought much of it. but then, moving on to other things, like the minecraft server i now enjoy, and then looking back at this game i used to play, i realize how gross it all is. i guess it just comes down to people being children? i've matured? i guess it's nice to know i can now recognize how awful everyone is, but it makes me kind of sad, too, that i spent so long on that site talking to such hateful people. i like to think i turned out okay, though, at least morally.

but yeah, anyway, i long wished that site would end because i thought the community sucked, etc etc, but now actually facing the end, i'm nothing but sad. i think it'll be so strange to not be able to hop on whenever i need some nostalgia, you know? it makes me want to reconnect with those people on there, but then when i actually do, i'm just reminded again how like 98% of them suck. it's a sad little cycle. i'm just sad it'll be gone, because it really did define my high school years.

i'm taking a creative writing class right now and i really like it. i do like my writing and my general skills, but i'm shitty at every other step of the process, from planning to actually writing stuff down, to finishing. there are classmates that say "ugh i only get like 50 pages into books i try to write before i give up" and i'm sitting there, like, the longest thing i've ever written was like 15 pages and that was a fanfic i never even finished. it's crazy to see what others have accomplished, and it's really an eye-opener to what i want to achieve as a writer. honestly, since returning back to the world of fanfic writing, i've realized i really value creating stories for worlds that already exist, for people like me that crave more of them. there is definitely (perhaps objectively) more value to making your own world, your original work, and i'm not against that at all; in the future, i hope i have it in me to write something like that.

actually, over the few days i've been writing this blog post, we had an assignment in said creative writing class that apparently i did phenomenal in. this is literally just bragging, but the professor said in front of EVERYONE that mine was the only one he gave 100% to and his favorite out of all the others. isn't that crazy?!?! the way literally any praise from an authority figure sticks with me forever... i keep going back to the feedback he gave me (which is essentially "this is amazing! so good!") and just feeling soooo proud and fulfilled and pleased with how i did. he read it to the class and i noticed like a million little errors... lol. but it feels really really surprisingly good to be praised for something i think i'm actually good at, which is writing--i've spent a lot of my life pursuing subjects i don't think i ever had an affinity for, but writing is something i've always loved and it's so pleasant to take classes that pertain to this really beloved hobby. 

moving on... back when i was 12-14 i was super into dan and phil, the internet youtube duo sensation, and i've only been getting back into them over the past year or so, and it's so wonderful because they've grown and so am i. a lot of their viewers are like me, having grown up with them and now are older, and wiser, and generally less of a creep, so it's such a pleasant experience all around. it's really a deeply satisfying feeling to come back to things i used to love and regain my love for them again. i could never hate my younger self, because she is me and i am her. i hope she might look at me today and feel a sense of pride, at least a little. 

i bought a gaming pc off amazon back in like november or so, and it never really worked great (it's from a reputable company and whatnot so it's not like i got scammed or anything) but it did fine, but a few weeks ago it stopped working completely. and i know all i really have to do is call the company and tell them about it and they'll probably tell me to send it in and fix it for me, but oh my god the anxiety of doing it is killing me. i think there's a lot of different factors that come into play here, but it's mostly the fact that i feel like an idiot all the time with so many things and worry this random person on the other end of the line is going to judge me for my lack of pc knowledge, even though i also know the inherent act of calling a support hotline is revealing said lack of knowledge anyway. but still, i keep putting it off, this big hunk of a pc just sitting under my desk and a large monitor, dead behind the little shitty laptop i have returned to using, and i figure i could kind of go the rest of my life without a pc again, as i spent most of my life before, but i spent like 800 bucks on it. so i figure i'll call it eventually, i actually told myself yesterday i'd do it today, but it is now obvious i won't, and so i'm once again not sure when i will, if i will, but i MUST, but i can't. 

anyway.... yeah. i keep leaving this post because i hope to write more, but now i'm here and i think this is it, this is all i got for now, which is a good amount, but it's a little sad in an alarming way that all i tend to write about is my internet obsessions. i used to do sports, i used to do clubs, i used to do more than sit in bed or at my desk and type all day or game all day. i don't miss any of that, but i do recognize how... pathetic i've become now, even if i feel rather fulfilled overall. i hope you don't mind the sort of rambly tone i've taken on throughout this; i read somewhere that a staple of fanfiction is a lot of commas, and i do tend to use quite a few. i used to feel it came off as unpolished, but there's a certain kind of charm that comes with it, too, and i've found i rather dig it. 

but yeah. have a good day, week, etc, folks. i hope to write next month! someday! i'll be back, i'm sure.