TW; depression and a bit of suicidal smattering
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helloooo folks! been almost two months!? i guess i didn't feel i had much to say. it is kind of disturbing how time moves. it makes my stomach hurt so bad.
OK INTENSE DEPRESSION TIME (i'll let you know when it's done):
there has always been a sense of regret in my life. since i was a child, i think. and it makes me deeply fear change. i really do cling onto the good things i have in my life and am terrified to potentially let them go. at the same time i have this silly self-sabotaging expectation that i will end up unhappy, and therefore i feel i need to further cling onto the things i already have, thus destroying the things i COULD have.
okay this is crazy because like... i feel like i've never even thought of that before. have i just therapied myself?
i think the real core of the issue lies at the fact that i don't really feel a need to fundamentally change. i like who i am generally, personality-wise. i think i'm pretty friendly and kind when i want to be. and i like my living conditions; i love my mom a lot. and i, of course, like taking easy courses and not working and imagining that i can just continue on from my failures, as i always have. and when i am faced with the inevitable burden that is an endless future, i just think "it's fine, i'll kill myself when i get there."
i don't understand how people do it. people like my mother and father, the people i know online, everyone around me. they continue on and move forward and dedicate their lives to unhappiness. have i set my expectations too high? is it just life that i am going to have to settle? it's such a silly feeling because i know that i am so lucky to even have this dilemma. but i feel so deeply empty that the idea of staying this way and simply living with it feels truly impossible.
but i am so scared that things might get worse, that i might lose the few parts of my life that bring me joy, that i'm incapable of trying new things. i don't know what to do with myself. everything i do feels like i am simply delaying the inevitable.
i think the world is really beautiful at night. there's comfort in the silence, in being alone. and yet life goes on!!!! i think it is so sad that we all must move forward always. i wish i wasn't constantly wasting time. it feels like there is never a real moment to waste. and this horrible feeling makes me stay petrified.
OKAY DEPRESSION TIME OVER
it's actually been about 20 days since i wrote the above. depression is hard because sometimes it feels so strong i can barely think of anything else, and then as soon as i've escaped the little funk i'm in, it's so hard to remember and equally hard to return to. i've come back now to write about something completely different. still in a bit of a depressed mood but in a different way. wow, who could have guessed there's so many facets to mental health! my genius truly surprises me each and every day.
time is weird, i can barely identify what's changed over the past 20 days. for some reason (i say as if i don't actively know the reason) i have an extremely overwhelming urge to try and be funny. or clever. or something a little more lighthearted than usual.
i've been listening to some conan o'brien lately, and SURPRISE! i adore him. another white man to add to my list of pitiful obsessions. i already appreciated him before (he's right smack in the middle of all my other little snl white boy loves), but it's only in the past few days that he's really been on my mind. his podcast is really great and i've been watching some of his older stuff. he's so funny and talented and quick-witted. it's everything i wish i was.
something i've identified in him (and all my other male heart-tugs) is his confidence. he's even a little mean sometimes, but only when he knows the other person is in on the joke. i get the idea that a lot of comedy folks question if they're really funny or not, but they must know to some extent that they're on a level above everyone else, right? maybe it's just me and my anxiety-riddled brain, but i find myself deeply enamored by people who know they're funny and actually are. emphasis on that final point - if it was only the first, i'd be swooning over every college boy and twitch streamer i see. though i kind of do...
anyway, i've found his past to be really interesting. it's kind of funny how my perception of age has shifted since learning about him. never in my life did i think i'd be under the impression that 30 yrs old is really young, but somehow that's one of my biggest takeaways from all of this. he did all that at 30??? goddamn!!! it's hella attractive... yeesh.
anyway, as i did my little digging (as i often do... pip remains in my heart...) - okay, i must interrupt here. have i NEVER written about my love for the mysterious '90s e-zine pip? this is absurd... i will get to that later.... - i, yknow, go to conan's past. his writing era on snl. his first late-night show where he was so visibly nervous. that one review that absolutely decimated him in '93. the subsequent, profoundly supportive review by the same journalist in '96. and thus i get to the harvard lampoon.
and i'm struck with this realization that these people are my age and ... wait, are they funny? i think so, in a way. okay i'm coming to a secondary, less-profound-but-equally-depressing-realization. is my humor ruined by super mario 64 speedrunners and adhd streamers who can't go a second without doing silly goofy boi-oi-oing noises to appease their little monkey brains?
okay, that's not the point. anyway. if i am to believe these harvard lampoon folks are funny, which i suppose they are, or at least far more open to humor than i can ever be, it's like... who even am i? do i even breach the baseline for humor? i value humor above almost all else. in others and in myself. and it's not like i ever thought i was really funny or anything. but suddenly i understand i really am NOTHING. i ain't funnier than the twitter folks and i ain't funnier than some college students who poured all their efforts into an attempt at a humorous competition newsletter. i'm not a writer, nor an artist, nor a musician. WHAT AM I?????????????????????????
it is in these moments that i should want to do something productive. learn a skill, do good in classes, get a career, meet the love of my life, be out there, enjoy my days. accept that i am not great, as most of us are not. but my chest hurts at this thought, at the idea of accepting the mundane. at a domestic existence. which is almost ironic, because it leads me to do nothing. i am neither moving forward in a productive, if not dull, manner, nor trying to be something bigger. i'm in a little jelly-filled limbo where time is still ticking. this is actually sort of the same thing i was talking about 20 days ago. the worst feeling!
i really do love conan. he's so cool. i think he is absurdly attractive (though i must admit there is this one picture i saw of him that truly does strike fear into my heart. he just looks so scary in it. i will refrain from describing it (he's just looking into the camera at some red carpet event), so that you don't have to experience the same terror i did). but after i read some harvard lampoon, of which i still have mixed feelings on (though that may be in part due to my crippling cynicism and inability to accept others), i felt a little arrow pierce my chest. the always-moving, never-faltering arrow of DEPRESSION! hence my return to this accursed blog.
yeah........... nothing ever changes.
