tw; DEPRESSION (WHAT A SHOCKER). also a smatter of suicidal nonsense
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YO FOLKS been a month, goodness. time really does fly. it's hard to remember how things felt in the past, but i can't imagine it went by so quickly. it's disturbing, genuinely, how fast everything is happening. i don't like to think about it.
i'm still with my mom, taking a few general knowledge classes, having a pretty good time. there's one class that i have, like, 15 missed assignments in because i do not enjoy it but it's too late to drop, so that's a huge source of anxiety because i'm just letting it build up like a dumbass. nothing ever changes.
i was feeling really good last post, but i'm back to being a depressed loser. i see everything and everyone growing and changing around me and i'm just so stagnant. i don't even know if i want to change, but it feels pointless to exist like this.
i genuinely cannot imagine my future. visualizing anything makes me feel genuinely suicidal. it's definitely sort of a cop-out avoidance method but the pain i feel in my stomach and head and the utter, like, EMPTINESS i feel is so disturbing. it's such a crazy thing to think and say, but i mean, realistically, if i have no desire to change, and if i contribute nothing to society or anyone else, is there really a point in me being alive? i feel like i am just prolonging the inevitable. an infinite expanse of disappointment and sadness (which is entirely my fault). being a burden on everyone and everything and contributing nothing back is just being a parasite.
depression is weird. it's strange because anyone that sees my lifestyle would think it's fairly obvious; a lack of sunlight and exercise and socializing and general goal-setting has caused me to be this way. and i think that's certainly a valid hypothesis; but i did all those things in high school (minus the socializing, though i had a much more vibrant online life than i do now) and was still utterly unhappy and depressed. and if it really is some sort of "chemical imbalance" in my brain, that's just even more confusing.
honestly, maybe i take comfort in being this way. it's a feeling to return back to, as much as i hate it. my anxiety and depression have caused me to be detrimentally self aware, to the extent where i literally overthink EVERYTHING. and i see others be calm and happy and satisfied with their quirks, good and bad, and that feels impossible to me. to live a life without constant embarrassment and analysis. o, woe is the chronically online, who literally cannot function in normal society. or maybe that's just me.
ANYWAY... time for the glorious HOBBY UPDATES! if you can even call them hobbies, i don't know.
as i mentioned in my previous post, i have been super into anime! it feels so overdue; i don't know how this phase only started now. but i'm glad it did, because i've been really loving it! since my last update, i watched bocchi the rock, which i absolutely adored!!!! i also rewatched yuri on ice (from my middle school days) and thought it was just as fantastic as i remembered. the music in particular is so hauntingly beautiful; the two songs that have really stuck with me are "passacaille in barcelona" and "prism"; both are stand-alone gorgeous pieces.
i watched ouran high school host club, which i thought was kind of nauseating at the beginning but really grew on me by the end. it's so strange how the characters that i thought were slightly charming at best transformed into such lovely, powerful people. it's such a wonderful show. out of all the anime i've seen thus far, OHSHC is certainly the most comforting.
after that, i watched serial experiments lain, which was such an aesthetic masterpiece (though the story definitely went over my head). i couldn't find another show to get into for a few weeks after SEL; i got about halfway through nichijou but didn't find it that entertaining (though i'm sure i'll finish it later). then, about a week ago, i decided to try hunter x hunter, and i ADORE it. i really had no idea what to expect, and it exceeded everything i could have imagined by far. it's such an engaging and beautiful show. i'm less than a quarter of the way through and loving every second... killua and gon are so wonderful, and i gotta say, the design for illumini is just superb... highly recommend watching - the hype is absolutely deserved !!!
other than anime, i've of course been engaging in my ONLY other hobby: good ol' vidyo games. i got into celeste a few weeks ago and really grinded it out; i managed through sheer willpower (and the occasional walkthrough) to finish all the b-sides. but i fear the c-sides might be too far beyond my skill level for determination to carry me through, so i'm taking a break for the time being.
i'm still very engaged in my little minecraft server. it's something that really keeps me going. everyone is so nice and encouraging and really make me feel welcome and appreciated. it's crazy that i used to want that same feeling from a toxic browser game; this minecraft server has genuinely changed my life. i've always found it hard to insert myself into already established communities, and i just feel such an insane sense of luckiness that i managed to do so here. people LIKE me, isn't that insane??? it's so wonderful!!!
okay, i think that's all! nothing ever changes (but in a slightly more comforting way). hopefully i'll have something more eventful to talk about next time, though i doubt it. thanks for reading folks, and have a good night. o/
