hello folks! been EXACTLY two months since i wrote the last post. i did not plan for this, i swear! but it's funny how things turn out.
i can say with complete honesty that i had a wonderful summer. i genuinely can't think of any summer in the past that was as pleasant as this one. i spent most of it with my mom, and it was just such a good time.
i'm going back to college in a week. i do not want to go back. i'm really quite nervous. things didn't go so well last year and i don't feel like they will go well this year. i feel like i'm setting myself up for a lot of disappointment and anxiety.
something i realized yesterday or maybe the day before was that i keep thinking "i'll get through this," yknow? like i'm constantly pushing myself to believe that this is a "phase" (the depression, that is) and that i will come out the other side stronger and happier. but then as i thought about it more, and i thought about my future, i realized that i am setting myself up for a life of this. stumbling through college to get a mediocre job is just going to cause more depression once the time comes. and then i'll be working that job forever. and then i'll be old and gray and weary and cynical and depressed. i feel like i've already fucked up drastically.
which is only making the anxiety about college and stuff even worse, of course. because i'm gonna have to go through that unhappily, while now understanding that me being unhappy and unproductive now is only going to translate into an unhappy and unproductive me in the future. and yet i will not change!
it sounds so spoiled, i know it does. i live such a good life. but i still feel so empty inside. like there is an unobtainable happiness that i don't even know how to reach.
anyway, yeah. college. what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!
what else.... nothing. lol. i started watching breaking bad again (started watching it a few months ago but stopped midway through the 2nd season), but it really does not interest me as much as other shows i have watched. i'm still deeply in love with minecraft. i've fallen in love with 70s music!!! i've been playing some new games. i've had disco elysium for a while but finally decided to play it a bit a week or two ago, and it's incredible. though it's a little..... much. so it's hard to bring myself to play it. i also picked up a cool bundle of games that are all coding-esque. like it's not actual coding, but the fundamental principles are there. they are so hard though!! like my brain is not big enough for this stuff lol!! when i DO manage to beat a level, there is very, very intense satisfaction though. i think i'd like to learn coding.
that's really all i got to say. i just don't know what to do. god damn. so fucking nervous.
