hey folks. i've been kind of looking forward to writing another post. i've generally kept it to once a month, and i think it's a great system. i enjoy updating my thoughts every once in a while, and i really like reading them back (which i do every time i go to write a new one).
what's going on.... hm....
winter break ended. i stayed home an extra month, january, because of COVID. i miss it a lot... being back at college feels so empty. even with all the weird, uncomfortable drama at home, it's still far better than the quiet loneliness that is my dorm room at night. and to think i was almost excited to return at the end of january!
i binge watched parks and recreation in about two or three weeks. it was really, really wonderful. i miss it immensely. the show is just so heartfelt and full of love, and genuinely funny. every one of the main characters were so powerful and beautiful. i'd give anything to forget it and watch it for the first time again.
i was okay at first, once i came back to college, but since about a week ago it's been pretty bad. i haven't had a breakdown (and i'm praying that i don't), but i can feel myself really, really grasping at nothing. falling even more apart. losing all interest in most things. it's like a second layer of depression has settled. i hate it.
i've been reaching out to a therapist at my college but we're still setting up an appointment. i guess a lot of kids have mental health issues. who woulda thought!
basically, over the past week, i've spent 90% of my waking hours playing or watching minecraft. it's a silly thing, but for some reason i have really grabbed hold of this and my mind hasn't let go. i was watching breaking bad pretty intensely before this depressive episode, but i haven't even thought about it since. it's literally minecraft 24/7 (save for classes and homework (usually)). i just sit at my little dorm room desk and play minecraft for hours upon hours and time passes so quickly. then, when it's time to eat, i watch youtubers play minecraft.
i've also been listening to a lot of music. the song i've been really obsessed with is called "the city sleeps" by alice phoebe lou. it is beautiful and so powerful and makes me tear up when i hear it. i don't know why, exactly, but something about it makes me so, so sad.
i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know how to be anyone else but myself. i am sinking deeper and deeper. i'm so absurdly, deeply unhappy. i know i probably say that like every post but it's all i can think of to describe myself. just this horrible, deep-settled understanding that i hate everything about my existence, and a deeper, more painful realization that i probably always will.
