tw: depression. the entire thing . just a big ol depression rant
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it's been hard to sleep lately. i've been sleeping less and haven't really felt more tired than i always have, though... i'm sure i'll reap the consequences soon enough.
i am just... so unhappy. so depressed. so... fuckin empty! i hate it! i hate myself! i wish things were different...
i'm scared i'm gonna die this way. empty. alone. i wake up and i'm so fuckin sad. i go to bed and i'm so sad. it feels so idiotic to write this. but who cares!!!!!!
i just don't know!!!!!!!! i don't know ANYTHING! i don't want to be me. i don't want to be anyone else! there is nothing i want to do or be. i can't stand it, man!!!! i don't want to BE LIKE THIS! i keep saying i think i'm falling apart... but i already have. a long time ago. i am fuckin. broken.
the worst part is there's nothing that even really went wrong in my life. people got it so much worse and are so much stronger. i'm just. fucked!
someone on a game once told me that people who commit suicide have given up. not in a "weak" way, but just, like... they believe there's nothing else for them. there is no hope. which is why the idea of death isn't so scary to them... because even if death is nothing, life is nothing too.
i think about that a lot. i don't know if it's true, but it's oddly hopeful for ME specifically... i don't want to die. maybe that means part of me still believes things will be better. i mean, my earlier posts say as much but... it's crazy how much changes in a few months. i was infinitely happier just two months ago. and i wasn't even happy then! that's how shittier things have been! god.....!!!!!
my life feels like a huge "am i the asshole" reddit post. i know that's a dumb way of describing it but i can't think of a better way. i don't know if anything i do is right or wrong!!!! i have a very strong sense of what i believe is right and wrong but over the past month i've been so, so lost. i don't know what to do or how to act or what decisions to make. i'm so scared i'm gonna make the wrong choice. i'm terrified i already have! i feel like a disappointment... to myself, to everyone. i feel like a fuckin asshole. i'm so unhappy.
:(
