if i had to sum up this past month in one phrase, it'd just be "i don't know."
reading back my november post is like a kick in the gut. me offhandedly mentioning that i have no idea what's going on back home is like a horrific ironic foreshadowing to what was actually going on and what i'd soon find out. turns out my parents are getting divorced, my dad is horribly depressed, and i'm stuck in the middle of this weird feud. i was excited to come home to some peace but i wish i could go back. ignorance truly is bliss, i suppose.
honestly, there's not much to update, though. i've still had a fairly chill winter break, even though there is always the looming doom that is this supposed divorce. i've been living with my dad (apparently my mom moved out MONTHS ago and my dad said no one should tell me so i wouldn't be distracted from my finals or whatever) and he takes every moment to complain about my mom. weird backhanded comments, like saying "you know i love your mom but she is evil" type of shit. like, what do you expect, dude?
i just feel stupid. i guess i just hoped so much that everything was going ok that i didn't bother looking into anything past that. generic "things are fine" comments soothed me enough not to ask any further questions. my dad begs me to talk to my mom, "convince" her to come back as if it was that easy. i just don't know.
ANYWAY...
i've spent most of my time gaming and, well, watching jerma. so i guess nothing's really changed over the last few weeks. the steam winter sale is happening right now and i'm an absolute sucker for sales, so i've picked up a few new games. been having a lot of fun with them!!! i'll give an honorable mention to inscryption, which i'd heard a lot about and is a lot of fun. i'm pretty shitty at strategizing though, but the game is really cool nonetheless.
a horrible confession i have to make (that no one would ever care about) is that i feel like i'm sort of falling out of jerma a little bit. i still think he is wildly funny and entertaining but the original feeling of absolute obsession has completely vanished. i still tune in to his streams when i'm able to, but when i have to miss a stream, i no longer feel completely devastated like i used to. this is actually horrifying to me, which i know is silly. i've spent the last, like, eight months addicted to him and i don't think i will EVER find something else that completely fills the void of jerma. of course, i'm not saying that i'm going to lose interest anytime soon, but the possibility is very apparent and that is terrifying. this is such a silly thing to be worried about, but jerma has gotten me through so much and i'm scared not to have that anymore.
i finished bojack a while ago and the finale kind of fucked me up, as i think is expected. it just fucked with my morals a lot. i don't really know what to think of bojack. a part of me hates him, but another part can't help but love him. it might be my favorite show of all time. it really is phenomenal.
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hey! it's been a few hours. i went and saw the new spider-man movie, no way home. it was actually a lot of fun! there's only a few movies in the marvel franchise i've seen (dr. strange, black panther, the tom-holland-trilogy spider-mans) and so this was pretty exciting. no spoilers, of course. i'd like to think i got most of the references just from existing on the internet for this long, but i'd have no idea. it was definitely a bit emotional, though.
on a worse note...
i have this shitty asshole-tendency that i don't know how to stop. sometimes i just want to be a dick for no reason; if i had to guess it's just because it gives me a weird sense of power? i honestly don't know. it's been like this for years (it used to be a lot worse- i used to bully a lot of random kids online, but stopped a few years back) and i like to think i'm getting better but i always end up doing something "funny" (but actually just shitty) without thinking. i'm literally just a straight up asshole for no reason. it starts out joke-y, i just... i have no sense of when to stop. i'm really shitty at considering others' feelings. and then i get defensive and stubborn when they (rightfully so) criticize me about it. ugh. it feels so much worse to put it into words. what is wrong with me!
i don't wanna write anymore... writing bums me out. maybe it's because i used to have so many ideas and thoughts... i'm kind of empty now.
goodnight!
