TW; some depression/suicide talk sprinkled throughout this! the suicide stuff is specifically when talking abt bojack... the depression is kind of everywhere.
hey folks! it is, as the title suggests, thanksgiving! more specifically, break. not quite the actual holiday yet.
most kids at my college headed out for break back to family or whatever. i kind of implied a little to my dad that i'd be fine with going back home but he didn't seem to think that was necessary. i guess they aren't really celebrating this year. i truly have no idea what is going on over there; i guess in a shitty way i don't really care. i kind of just assume things are inherently better with me gone. less chaotic, less fighting, etc. not that i think things are necessarily good, though.
well, my dad did call me yesterday, and i think he's gonna head up for a few days. apparently he really wants to celebrate thanksgiving with me, which is nice. it will be nice to see him; he's been giving me a lot of freedom in college and i know it's hard for him.
anyway, my roommate's gone and i'm here at my dorms alone. starving. i'm joking, kind of. i don't really eat enough and the cafeteria is closed, of course... but i did buy some bagels yesterday! it's silly but the grocery store has been giving me a shiiiit ton of anxiety for the past few months and i've avoided going but yesterday i went!!! and it went fine!!! anxiety: cured!
i've also been watching bojack horseman over the past few weeks and... man. what a show! it hits really hard. simultaneously makes me more and less depressed. i've definitely been... more hyperaware of my depression lately. feeling passively suicidal. i know it's just a show, or whatever. but like i mentioned in my last post, what's getting me through is the irrational dream that i might become something bigger and more meaningful. and bojack is that, and he's a terrible guy and depressed and shitty and so unhappy. and of course there's more and more content creators that i enjoy talking about their own depression and unhappiness. and it's like, okay. so if that might just also lead to unhappiness... is there anything that would make me truly happy? and i know, i KNOW the answer is no. but i cannot bring myself to accept that.
if i had to describe myself over the past few weeks i'd just say i'm falling apart. i had it together the first month and a half of college, generally: i was doing my work, eating fine, going to classes, being mostly happy. the past few weeks, though, i've been having constant anxiety, doubt, fear, lots of depression. i don't know what's come over me. maybe it was just due time. maybe i am destined to be this way. nothing good lasts forever, i suppose.
but also i know that's just the depression speaking and things will probably be fine. or i'll kill myself haha. not that i'd even know how. so, actually, that's definitely off the table. but god... i don't know! if i want to continue on this way!
it feels like every time things get better they get worse. and i'm in college now; i can't afford for things to get worse. when i'd have terrible breakdowns in high school my parents were there to scream at me and pick me back up. i don't have that any more. i can't fuck up, but i think i already have. i'm terrified of everything that is not now. the future is empty, looming, and horrifying. tomorrow is scary. next week? i literally cannot bring myself to think about it.
back to bojack... in a non-depressive way... it's a really great show! actually really funny and definitely hits really hard. i'm finishing up season 5 right now and really enjoying it. the animation is pretty good and i really love the way they do the intros. i'll be sad when i finish it...
i haven't watched a show in ages-- the only reason i finally decided to pick up bojack was because of a drew gooden video of all things lol. but i'm really glad i did... it's given me a lot to think about.
RANDOM OTHER UPDATES...
internet friend is going well. i talk to them every day and i really really like them. we still clash more than i'd like but... that's just how it goes. i feel really anxious that they don't like me though. even though, i mean, they tell me they like me... i don't know. something about it really freaks me out. maybe because i know i've been in the other position before, pretending to like someone way more than i do. i know it's hypocritical, but i really don't want to be forcing someone to go through the motions if they don't truly feel that way.
i'm still a big fan of jerma! he's a really great guy! very cute and i'm very in love. i wish i could show my support by making art or something. i guess that's idiotic because i could be making art (albeit shit art) if i really wanted to... meh. it just wouldn't feel good enough. i guess i give him five bucks a month and that's pretty good. i just hope he knows what an influence he is. i mean, of course he knows. he gets constant messages and donations and stuff of people telling him how he's gotten them through hard times and how meaningful he is and yadda yadda. of course he knows. i am just another voice of thousands... it's hard to break out of a parasocial relationship once you realize you're in it. i don't see him as a friend or anything like that, but i don't see him as a stranger. i do feel like i know him. is that wrong? probably, yeah. because i don't really know him. i have no idea what he's like off camera, off stream. i'm idolizing jerma985, not jeremy elbertson. but a part of me wants to believe they are the same, and that part of me usually wins.
i just want to... create something... but my ideas fizzle out before they've even really begun. it's especially ironic because i give others advice to start small, otherwise they will go too big and give up too fast, but i do the exact same thing. i'm a shitty perfectionist for things i haven't even created yet; it's like i want to skip the alpha phase and go straight to stable build, but that's not how it works and i don't know why i can't accept that. it's like i spend the entire day telling myself i'm shitty, i'm not good enough, i'm worthless. and then suddenly when i have any sort of idea or energy to create i'm suddenly too good for everything i create. it's a nightmare.
i feel like i need a therapist. but i've had therapists in the past and i've never done what i'm supposed to do with them; i've always kept a very distinct boundary and have never really opened up. every time i think about trying to get another therapist i think "this time it'll be different. this time i'll really talk about everything i'm feeling, i'll really work to be better." but i know i fucking won't! nothing has changed! nothing ever changes! and that's MY fault!!!! but i still lie here in bed, ignoring my work and stressing about dumb shit instead of trying to improve.
everything always becomes depressing again. i never realized how many things bum me out. even jerma sometimes makes me sad, and that's sayin' something. am i gonna be like this forever? i already know what the answer is, i think.
happy thanksgiving!!!
