hey folks...
i'm in college right now. i honestly WISH i could say it's a lot, and in a lot of ways it is, but i still find plenty of time to fuck around. and not the cool type of fuckin around-- like going to parties and shit, hanging out with friends, etc. no... i just spend 6+ hours a day playing video games that i'm not even good at.
my classes aren't too bad. i don't know how much i'm learning though...
i made a new internet friend a week or so ago and i think they're really cool. we kind of clash a lot though and it's kind of frustrating. i have never felt such an urge to prove myself, though? like i WANT to seem cool to this person. and i don't think they think i'm cool... i think i'm more like a cat that keeps shitting in the vents. obviously you're not just gonna get rid of the cat and it's not like they know better, but it's frustrating as fuck to see. this person is very encouraging about my pixel art, though!!! i really appreciate it but that's kind of why i keep it to myself... i don't know. i'm a weird mix of perfectionism and laziness. i like to show off and then i regret it later. i guess this is common for most artists... i don't know how anyone finds the courage to post their stuff online.
i'm still really in love with jerma. he makes me want to be a content creator. i'd love to stream and make stuff and, more importantly, feel like i am making a difference to someone. i wish i could help someone feel the same way about me as i feel with jerma. not in, like, a self-centered, indulgent way (as in, "i want attention!! and money!!! etc!!!) but more as in a "i want to feel like i have helped someone". i want to make someone's day!!! i want someone to feel better when they think about me!!! maybe it is a little narcissistic, to want to feel good about helping someone... but it is truly insane how much content creators can impact people's lives. jerma is kind of single handedly getting me through college and he is so absurdly inspiring. i think about him and my face just fuckin lights up. there is really nothing i can think of in the past few years, person or thing, that has made me even a fraction as happy as he did. it's fucked up but, like, if it works, it works, right?
however, i'm not even a quarter as funny or talented or creative as jerma. maybe i could be on par with lesser known creators but i'm also not very cute so that's kind of off the table too. i don't know. some part of me deep down thinks maybe i can be a big content creator someday... the other part knows that's not going to happen. but i can't imagine anything else i could do that would make me happy. and i'm majoring in fucking accounting.
i've been buying a lot of video games. i'm shitty at almost every single one. i don't know why i'm so bad. maybe i'm just not made for them... my reaction speed sucks, my aiming sucks, my logic sucks, i'm just a big ol dumbass. unsuprisingly, my favorite type of games are puzzle games and even those i am terrible at. there really is no escape for an unskilled gamer. and yet, i persist.
over the summer i played a shit ton of binding of isaac: rebirth. i've played over 100 hours, got all the DLC, and yet i have MAYBE 1/7 of the achievements. i've beaten hush and delirium ONCE, and that was pure luck. i fucking suck at the game!
if i had to describe myself in one word, i think it'd be mediocre. i'm not terrible at anything, i'm not incredible at anything. while it's not horrible to be mediocre, after all, at least that means i can get THRU most things, i never excel. i am always in the middle. i don't know what i want or who i want to be... there is nothing that pulls me. other than, like, the whole creating content online thing but i'm trying to be realistic here.
this is gonna sound fucked up but i've kind of made up my mind (for now) that if i'm 30 and still as deeply unhappy as i am now, with no future in sight where things will get better, i'm just gonna end it. it's such a selfish thought to think that just because i'm not doing something great i shouldn't be alive. after all, there are plenty of jobs for accountants. but i just don't know. there's nothing i'm passionate about... i can't go on like this for much longer.
but, like i said in my last post, i do have hope. a part of me truly believes that things will get better. that i'll find passion in something... in anything. that i'll start to FLOURISH! that i'll make some friends, become more confident in myself and my work.
but that seems even more unlikely than the idea that i'm never gonna change at all. because i've been like this for so long now... a sudden, drastic, crazy good change isn't gonna happen. it's delicate and slow and probably not even noticeable. maybe i'm in it now!!! or maybe i still feel empty as always.
it's 2:31 am now, so i think i'm gonna head out. i really like writing down my feelings... i used to want to be an author.
goodnight!
