it's been.... a while. i can't really say i've been up to much, although when i look back on who i used to be it feels like such a dream.
not in the way that i necessarily miss it; it just feels weird & fuzzy.
i'd like to claim i've changed in the past 3 years or so, but i worry that i haven't. sure, my interests are definitely different, but me at my core? i can't say with certainty that i've changed in any way that counts.
i think i'm more mentally ill haha. and i don't talk to anyone i used to. and honestly i'm not sure that any of the interests i mentioned still apply to me today, other than a general interest in video games (and i still adore professor layton).
i'm going into college this fall. when i started this "blog" i was about 14-15 i think. & now i'm 18 (my birthday was less than a week ago!)
it's honestly very frightening. i've got a lot of problems i've barely dealt with and i don't think i'm ready in anyway. i'm terrible at visualizing a future where i'm happy and it's gotten me into a lot of shitty situations.
i get hyperfixated on stuff really easily because i've got hella depression and it can make things really hard... currently i'm verrrrryyyy obsessed with this streamer named jerma985 and while he fills me with abnormal amounts of joy which is nice when i'm feelin bummed, the obsession also stops me from doing things that need to be done. it's a double-ended sword, i guess. although i think i'd prefer for this hyperfixation to stop because it passed the unhealthy line, like, a full month ago.
i just feel very empty, yknow? i've had depression for maybe like 5-6 years? it's become a part of me in this really shitty way. i can't imagine living without it. i don't even KNOW what regular happiness feels like because the only times i feel it are when i'm blocking out every other possible feeling, and even that doesn't last very long.
maybe i just need a hobby.
but i've been saying that for years. and i've gone thru therapist after therapist. and taken med after med. and here i am.
i'm still moving forward because it's all i know how to do. and i mean, some part of me deep down inside is certain that it will get better. but it's been like this for so long that this doesn't really motivate me anymore, if it ever did.
well, enough bummin myself out haha. on the positive side of things, i think i am a lot funnier and cooler than i used to be. i have some really good online friends who really like me and i really really like them. i'm grateful for the good things i have & i'm working on coping with the bad. i absolutely adore jerma and he makes me feel really happy. i got really into pixel art over the last few years and recently i've been making pieces that i am fairly fond of. i've also been playing a lot of really awesome games!
that's all from me for now i think. see ya in like 5 years or something lol. or maybe this will be my last post! (not in a depressing suicidal way, just in a forgetful way)
