a new year (soon) and regrets

if i had to sum up this past month in one phrase, it'd just be "i don't know." 

reading back my november post is like a kick in the gut. me offhandedly mentioning that i have no idea what's going on back home is like a horrific ironic foreshadowing to what was actually going on and what i'd soon find out. turns out my parents are getting divorced, my dad is horribly depressed, and i'm stuck in the middle of this weird feud. i was excited to come home to some peace but i wish i could go back. ignorance truly is bliss, i suppose. 

honestly, there's not much to update, though. i've still had a fairly chill winter break, even though there is always the looming doom that is this supposed divorce. i've been living with my dad (apparently my mom moved out MONTHS ago and my dad said no one should tell me so i wouldn't be distracted from my finals or whatever) and he takes every moment to complain about my mom. weird backhanded comments, like saying "you know i love your mom but she is evil" type of shit. like, what do you expect, dude? 

i just feel stupid. i guess i just hoped so much that everything was going ok that i didn't bother looking into anything past that. generic "things are fine" comments soothed me enough not to ask any further questions. my dad begs me to talk to my mom, "convince" her to come back as if it was that easy. i just don't know. 

ANYWAY...

i've spent most of my time gaming and, well, watching jerma. so i guess nothing's really changed over the last few weeks. the steam winter sale is happening right now and i'm an absolute sucker for sales, so i've picked up a few new games. been having a lot of fun with them!!! i'll give an honorable mention to inscryption, which i'd heard a lot about and is a lot of fun. i'm pretty shitty at strategizing though, but the game is really cool nonetheless.

a horrible confession i have to make (that no one would ever care about) is that i feel like i'm sort of falling out of jerma a little bit. i still think he is wildly funny and entertaining but the original feeling of absolute obsession has completely vanished. i still tune in to his streams when i'm able to, but when i have to miss a stream, i no longer feel completely devastated like i used to. this is actually horrifying to me, which i know is silly. i've spent the last, like, eight months addicted to him and i don't think i will EVER find something else that completely fills the void of jerma. of course, i'm not saying that i'm going to lose interest anytime soon, but the possibility is very apparent and that is terrifying. this is such a silly thing to be worried about, but jerma has gotten me through so much and i'm scared not to have that anymore. 

i finished bojack a while ago and the finale kind of fucked me up, as i think is expected. it just fucked with my morals a lot. i don't really know what to think of bojack. a part of me hates him, but another part can't help but love him. it might be my favorite show of all time. it really is phenomenal. 

-

hey! it's been a few hours. i went and saw the new spider-man movie, no way home. it was actually a lot of fun! there's only a few movies in the marvel franchise i've seen (dr. strange, black panther, the tom-holland-trilogy spider-mans) and so this was pretty exciting. no spoilers, of course. i'd like to think i got most of the references just from existing on the internet for this long, but i'd have no idea. it was definitely a bit emotional, though. 

on a worse note...

i have this shitty asshole-tendency that i don't know how to stop. sometimes i just want to be a dick for no reason; if i had to guess it's just because it gives me a weird sense of power? i honestly don't know. it's been like this for years (it used to be a lot worse- i used to bully a lot of random kids online, but stopped a few years back) and i like to think i'm getting better but i always end up doing something "funny" (but actually just shitty) without thinking. i'm literally just a straight up asshole for no reason. it starts out joke-y, i just... i have no sense of when to stop. i'm really shitty at considering others' feelings. and then i get defensive and stubborn when they (rightfully so) criticize me about it. ugh. it feels so much worse to put it into words. what is wrong with me!

i don't wanna write anymore... writing bums me out. maybe it's because i used to have so many ideas and thoughts... i'm kind of empty now.

goodnight!

thanksgiving & bojack

TW; some depression/suicide talk sprinkled throughout this! the suicide stuff is specifically when talking abt bojack... the depression is kind of everywhere.

hey folks! it is, as the title suggests, thanksgiving! more specifically, break. not quite the actual holiday yet. 

most kids at my college headed out for break back to family or whatever. i kind of implied a little to my dad that i'd be fine with going back home but he didn't seem to think that was necessary. i guess they aren't really celebrating this year. i truly have no idea what is going on over there; i guess in a shitty way i don't really care. i kind of just assume things are inherently better with me gone. less chaotic, less fighting, etc. not that i think things are necessarily good, though.

well, my dad did call me yesterday, and i think he's gonna head up for a few days. apparently he really wants to celebrate thanksgiving with me, which is nice. it will be nice to see him; he's been giving me a lot of freedom in college and i know it's hard for him. 

anyway, my roommate's gone and i'm here at my dorms alone. starving. i'm joking, kind of. i don't really eat enough and the cafeteria is closed, of course... but i did buy some bagels yesterday! it's silly but the grocery store has been giving me a shiiiit ton of anxiety for the past few months and i've avoided going but yesterday i went!!! and it went fine!!! anxiety: cured!

i've also been watching bojack horseman over the past few weeks and... man. what a show! it hits really hard. simultaneously makes me more and less depressed. i've definitely been... more hyperaware of my depression lately. feeling passively suicidal. i know it's just a show, or whatever. but like i mentioned in my last post, what's getting me through is the irrational dream that i might become something bigger and more meaningful. and bojack is that, and he's a terrible guy and depressed and shitty and so unhappy. and of course there's more and more content creators that i enjoy talking about their own depression and unhappiness. and it's like, okay. so if that might just also lead to unhappiness... is there anything that would make me truly happy? and i know, i KNOW the answer is no. but i cannot bring myself to accept that.

if i had to describe myself over the past few weeks i'd just say i'm falling apart. i had it together the first month and a half of college, generally: i was doing my work, eating fine, going to classes, being mostly happy. the past few weeks, though, i've been having constant anxiety, doubt, fear, lots of depression. i don't know what's come over me. maybe it was just due time. maybe i am destined to be this way. nothing good lasts forever, i suppose. 

but also i know that's just the depression speaking and things will probably be fine. or i'll kill myself haha. not that i'd even know how. so, actually, that's definitely off the table. but god... i don't know! if i want to continue on this way! 

it feels like every time things get better they get worse. and i'm in college now; i can't afford for things to get worse. when i'd have terrible breakdowns in high school my parents were there to scream at me and pick me back up. i don't have that any more. i can't fuck up, but i think i already have. i'm terrified of everything that is not now. the future is empty, looming, and horrifying. tomorrow is scary. next week? i literally cannot bring myself to think about it. 

back to bojack... in a non-depressive way... it's a really great show! actually really funny and definitely hits really hard. i'm finishing up season 5 right now and really enjoying it. the animation is pretty good and i really love the way they do the intros. i'll be sad when i finish it...

i haven't watched a show in ages-- the only reason i finally decided to pick up bojack was because of a drew gooden video of all things lol. but i'm really glad i did... it's given me a lot to think about. 

RANDOM OTHER UPDATES...

internet friend is going well. i talk to them every day and i really really like them. we still clash more than i'd like but... that's just how it goes. i feel really anxious that they don't like me though. even though, i mean, they tell me they like me... i don't know. something about it really freaks me out. maybe because i know i've been in the other position before, pretending to like someone way more than i do. i know it's hypocritical, but i really don't want to be forcing someone to go through the motions if they don't truly feel that way. 

i'm still a big fan of jerma! he's a really great guy! very cute and i'm very in love. i wish i could show my support by making art or something. i guess that's idiotic because i could be making art (albeit shit art) if i really wanted to... meh. it just wouldn't feel good enough. i guess i give him five bucks a month and that's pretty good. i just hope he knows what an influence he is. i mean, of course he knows. he gets constant messages and donations and stuff of people telling him how he's gotten them through hard times and how meaningful he is and yadda yadda. of course he knows. i am just another voice of thousands... it's hard to break out of a parasocial relationship once you realize you're in it. i don't see him as a friend or anything like that, but i don't see him as a stranger. i do feel like i know him. is that wrong? probably, yeah. because i don't really know him. i have no idea what he's like off camera, off stream. i'm idolizing jerma985, not jeremy elbertson. but a part of me wants to believe they are the same, and that part of me usually wins. 

i just want to... create something... but my ideas fizzle out before they've even really begun. it's especially ironic because i give others advice to start small, otherwise they will go too big and give up too fast, but i do the exact same thing. i'm a shitty perfectionist for things i haven't even created yet; it's like i want to skip the alpha phase and go straight to stable build, but that's not how it works and i don't know why i can't accept that. it's like i spend the entire day telling myself i'm shitty, i'm not good enough, i'm worthless. and then suddenly when i have any sort of idea or energy to create i'm suddenly too good for everything i create. it's a nightmare. 

i feel like i need a therapist. but i've had therapists in the past and i've never done what i'm supposed to do with them; i've always kept a very distinct boundary and have never really opened up. every time i think about trying to get another therapist i think "this time it'll be different. this time i'll really talk about everything i'm feeling, i'll really work to be better." but i know i fucking won't! nothing has changed! nothing ever changes! and that's MY fault!!!! but i still lie here in bed, ignoring my work and stressing about dumb shit instead of trying to improve. 

everything always becomes depressing again. i never realized how many things bum me out. even jerma sometimes makes me sad, and that's sayin' something. am i gonna be like this forever? i already know what the answer is, i think. 

happy thanksgiving!!!

little chat

 hey folks...

i'm in college right now. i honestly WISH i could say it's a lot, and in a lot of ways it is, but i still find plenty of time to fuck around. and not the cool type of fuckin around-- like going to parties and shit, hanging out with friends, etc. no... i just spend 6+ hours a day playing video games that i'm not even good at.

my classes aren't too bad. i don't know how much i'm learning though... 

i made a new internet friend a week or so ago and i think they're really cool. we kind of clash a lot though and it's kind of frustrating. i have never felt such an urge to prove myself, though? like i WANT to seem cool to this person. and i don't think they think i'm cool... i think i'm more like a cat that keeps shitting in the vents. obviously you're not just gonna get rid of the cat and it's not like they know better, but it's frustrating as fuck to see. this person is very encouraging about my pixel art, though!!! i really appreciate it but that's kind of why i keep it to myself... i don't know. i'm a weird mix of perfectionism and laziness. i like to show off and then i regret it later. i guess this is common for most artists... i don't know how anyone finds the courage to post their stuff online.

i'm still really in love with jerma. he makes me want to be a content creator. i'd love to stream and make stuff and, more importantly, feel like i am making a difference to someone. i wish i could help someone feel the same way about me as i feel with jerma. not in, like, a self-centered, indulgent way (as in, "i want attention!! and money!!! etc!!!) but more as in a "i want to feel like i have helped someone". i want to make someone's day!!! i want someone to feel better when they think about me!!! maybe it is a little narcissistic, to want to feel good about helping someone... but it is truly insane how much content creators can impact people's lives. jerma is kind of single handedly getting me through college and he is so absurdly inspiring. i think about him and my face just fuckin lights up. there is really nothing i can think of in the past few years, person or thing, that has made me even a fraction as happy as he did. it's fucked up but, like, if it works, it works, right? 

however, i'm not even a quarter as funny or talented or creative as jerma. maybe i could be on par with lesser known creators but i'm also not very cute so that's kind of off the table too. i don't know. some part of me deep down thinks maybe i can be a big content creator someday... the other part knows that's not going to happen. but i can't imagine anything else i could do that would make me happy. and i'm majoring in fucking accounting.

i've been buying a lot of video games. i'm shitty at almost every single one. i don't know why i'm so bad. maybe i'm just not made for them... my reaction speed sucks, my aiming sucks, my logic sucks, i'm just a big ol dumbass. unsuprisingly, my favorite type of games are puzzle games and even those i am terrible at. there really is no escape for an unskilled gamer. and yet, i persist.

over the summer i played a shit ton of binding of isaac: rebirth. i've played over 100 hours, got all the DLC, and yet i have MAYBE 1/7 of the achievements. i've beaten hush and delirium ONCE, and that was pure luck. i fucking suck at the game! 

if i had to describe myself in one word, i think it'd be mediocre. i'm not terrible at anything, i'm not incredible at anything. while it's not horrible to be mediocre, after all, at least that means i can get THRU most things, i never excel. i am always in the middle. i don't know what i want or who i want to be... there is nothing that pulls me. other than, like, the whole creating content online thing but i'm trying to be realistic here. 

this is gonna sound fucked up but i've kind of made up my mind (for now) that if i'm 30 and still as deeply unhappy as i am now, with no future in sight where things will get better, i'm just gonna end it. it's such a selfish thought to think that just because i'm not doing something great i shouldn't be alive. after all, there are plenty of jobs for accountants. but i just don't know. there's nothing i'm passionate about... i can't go on like this for much longer.

but, like i said in my last post, i do have hope. a part of me truly believes that things will get better. that i'll find passion in something... in anything. that i'll start to FLOURISH! that i'll make some friends, become more confident in myself and my work. 

but that seems even more unlikely than the idea that i'm never gonna change at all. because i've been like this for so long now... a sudden, drastic, crazy good change isn't gonna happen. it's delicate and slow and probably not even noticeable. maybe i'm in it now!!! or maybe i still feel empty as always.

it's 2:31 am now, so i think i'm gonna head out. i really like writing down my feelings... i used to want to be an author.

goodnight!

hello! (again) (pt 2)

 it's been.... a while. i can't really say i've been up to much, although when i look back on who i used to be it feels like such a dream. 

not in the way that i necessarily miss it; it just feels weird & fuzzy.

i'd like to claim i've changed in the past 3 years or so, but i worry that i haven't. sure, my interests are definitely different, but me at my core? i can't say with certainty that i've changed in any way that counts.

i think i'm more mentally ill haha. and i don't talk to anyone i used to. and honestly i'm not sure that any of the interests i mentioned still apply to me today, other than a general interest in video games (and i still adore professor layton). 

i'm going into college this fall. when i started this "blog" i was about 14-15 i think. & now i'm 18 (my birthday was less than a week ago!)

it's honestly very frightening. i've got a lot of problems i've barely dealt with and i don't think i'm ready in anyway. i'm terrible at visualizing a future where i'm happy and it's gotten me into a lot of shitty situations.

i get hyperfixated on stuff really easily because i've got hella depression and it can make things really hard... currently i'm verrrrryyyy obsessed with this streamer named jerma985 and while he fills me with abnormal amounts of joy which is nice when i'm feelin bummed, the obsession also stops me from doing things that need to be done. it's a double-ended sword, i guess. although i think i'd prefer for this hyperfixation to stop because it passed the unhealthy line, like, a full month ago.

i just feel very empty, yknow? i've had depression for maybe like 5-6 years? it's become a part of me in this really shitty way. i can't imagine living without it. i don't even KNOW what regular happiness feels like because the only times i feel it are when i'm blocking out every other possible feeling, and even that doesn't last very long.

maybe i just need a hobby. 

but i've been saying that for years. and i've gone thru therapist after therapist. and taken med after med. and here i am.

i'm still moving forward because it's all i know how to do. and i mean, some part of me deep down inside is certain that it will get better. but it's been like this for so long that this doesn't really motivate me anymore, if it ever did. 

well, enough bummin myself out haha. on the positive side of things, i think i am a lot funnier and cooler than i used to be. i have some really good online friends who really like me and i really really like them. i'm grateful for the good things i have & i'm working on coping with the bad. i absolutely adore jerma and he makes me feel really happy. i got really into pixel art over the last few years and recently i've been making pieces that i am fairly fond of. i've also been playing a lot of really awesome games!

that's all from me for now i think. see ya in like 5 years or something lol. or maybe this will be my last post! (not in a depressing suicidal way, just in a forgetful way)