today is the same as yesterday (and tomorrow)

 hello, folks!

it's been a bit of a long while, certainly longer than i've intended. i actually wrote something in late june that i was planning to publish, but none of it is important and some of it is actually kind of knee-jerk embarrassing (about fanfiction no less, which no one cares about) so i think i'll just keep that in my drafts for myself forever. kind of a funny notion because this blog is already sort of like my glorified drafts, considering every "view" is likely some website-scraping bot or whatnot. but i still don't want to put what i wrote out there, for bots or people or anyone other than myself to see. 

it is strange to think that summer is truly, officially over. not because i did anything exciting, but i'm still kind of in the mindset of "oh it's late august," when it's far beyond that. i was thinking when i sat down to write this that it'd be a sort of end-of-summer reflection, but my god, it's already fall! i'm sure i've said this plenty of times before, but i find it truly disturbing how fast time passes. i feel like my high school years went by really slow, i've always felt sort of sluggish through my early life. but my brief time in college and everything since has felt like its gone by in a blink of an eye. i graduated highschool 3 years ago. i dropped out of college almost 2 years ago. what have i done since then? is there really anything worth noting?

it's so easy to fuck around when i think i still have "time left" - whatever that means. it's all arbitrary, and i'm sure whatever age i consider "too late" will always get pushed back the older i get. but eventually there will be a point in which i won't be able to keep making these excuses. some would say that time is now - i just don't know. 

a lot of my life was spent depressed because i was very unhappy. i disliked aspects of my life (which were never that bad in the first place), and i feared i'd never be happy again. this is very heavily reflected in my past posts, especially those from when i was in college. i felt empty, emotionless, like there was no real reason for continuing on. i feel like this is the most common reason for depression.

it's strange, because i live with my mother now, and i love living with her. a lot of the reasons are because i have it extremely easy here; i don't pay rent, don't cook, hell i don't even drive. i work 20hrs a week and all that money goes to myself. i like her house, and i love my dogs, and i love my mom. i am happy, really, i'd do this for the rest of my life if i could. 

and i'm not really depressed anymore, i don't think so. there are so many things in my life to be thankful for! and yet, there is this really deep, conflicting sadness in me sometimes. i think it's because i get this feeling i am prolonging the inevitable - procrastinating my depression. someday i will have to move on from this. and not only is the thought of all that adulthood scary in itself, moving out or getting a full-time job or going back to college or whatever, but losing this life is even worse. it is really terrifying to think that my happiness now means that i'll probably look back on this in the future and miss it. if i continue to live with my mom, i'll feel bad because i need to be more independent. if i become more independent, i'll feel bad because these moments of joy will be over. and i'm sure there will be more moments of joy - but can i be sure of that? will they be as joyful as they are now? 

summer is kind of this moment of respite, though even that idea is kind of anti-adult. but it's fall now, and i'm not taking community college classes this semester, and i don't know if i will again. and after fall comes winter, and a new year, and it repeats all over again, this cycle. and i am stagnant in myself, but time goes on - i keep moving whether i like it or not. how much longer will my life let me do this? will i be ready when i have to be?

i have to make decisions, but i don't know how, and i don't know when, and i'm scared of making the wrong ones, because i have so many times before. sometimes i get the sense my life is already over, age 21. like all of this is just an epilogue.

ANYWAYS, enough sad stuff. time to talk about the REAL important stuff, which is my various online hobbies and interests!!!!!

i've been watching a lot of twitch & youtube lately. i think i mentioned this in my last post but i've been absolutely adoring northernlion and squeex. been playing a lot of games and doing some crafts, so i am really valuing background noise, which northernlion is incredible at. he just bants and bants and is terribly entertaining. literally like 70% of my waking hours has him in the background. i really love that guy...

i got a steam deck for my birthday, and i have been using it a ton. i honestly didn't realize how annoying using a laptop was until i got the steam deck, and now i literally only play games on my laptop if i have to. otherwise it's straight to steam deck!! over the last few weeks, i've been playing the heck out of hogwarts legacy, which is a really fun experience. it's kind of funny, because i don't think it's an amazing game by any means, but also it is really amazing. i just value being a silly little wizard so much - there is something so innately enamoring about living a different life full of magic and whimsy and excitement and being good at it (easy to pretend that if i lived in this fictional world, i'd study really hard and be really good at my subjects and etc etc). the game is just so atmospheric and pretty to look at, too - i've spent hours just exploring hogwarts and looking for various secrets. i can't think of a better harry potter experience, and it already is making me kind of sad that i'll never get to play this for the first time again. 

i haven't been writing much lately, but i've been thinking about writing a lot. there is literally no feeling as good as getting nice comments on my fics, and i have some ideas i think would be really cool! but when i actually sit down and try to write, i just don't really have it in me. i'm not very discouraged by this, because this happens all the time. but it does make me wish i could get some kind of stroke of inspiration or something - i don't know. usually it's because i don't have any ideas, but this time i do - i just don't know how to write them. tough, very tough. i've been thinking of starting to read again, at least some classics, because it freaks me out that i value writing but have literally not read a single book since high school. but all of this is still very much an idea because i spend the majority of my free time playing games... 

i don't really know what else to say, so i think i'll end it here. i feel like i'll probably have more to say later, so maybe i'll add on to this (but it is very unlikely). here's to another post, hopefully sooner than later. thank you for reading. have a good september.

short update and a rambling disco elysium reflection (and lots of spoilers!)

 hello, folks! hello, hello, hello! been two months, isn't that wild! goodness, goodness, goodness!

i'm in a pleasant mood, because things are rather pleasant in my life. just doing the things i enjoy and not worrying about my future at all, which looks awfully dim whenever i decide to dwell on it. but no matter, for that is not the purpose of this post (thank god, because i have nothing else to say about it). 

for general updates, this semester of community college is almost over, and for once i'm actually on top of my work ?!? generally . . . i wrote a story i really liked in creative writing last month and the prof said it was decent, but now another story is due this week and i haven't done it at all... i'm really kind of sad because i feel like i'm falling out of writing again, which is perhaps a silly notion because i could just... write! if i want to write, like no one's stopping me or anything. but the desire comes and goes and i think being in a situation where i have to write kills it even faster. not to mention that it has to be original work, which i've hardly written any of in my life--not that i'd ever willingly submit fanfiction, but god it's hard to be creative sometimes. 

i've always felt this way about hyperfixations and obsessions and whatever, but it's scary to be really obsessed with something and somehow even scarier to not be obsessed with anything. right now it's like i'm sort of floundering between interests, which means i don't really have an urge to be creative. normally, this wouldn't be an issue, but with the class, and my desire to make something, but not knowing what... i don't know why it's affecting me so much this time. oh well...

i'm not sure what i'm going to do this summer, or next year, and anything further than that is just some giant question mark. it's kind of easy to forget everything when i just take some random classes and do my little job and spend all the other time gaming or reading or whatever, but when i'm faced with decisions again, it forces me to reflect on this past semester, year, half-decade, etc... and i kind of realize i'm still in the same place i was back then. i don't think there's anything wrong with being behind, but it's been instilled in me the notion that we must always be moving forward. and i don't really think i'm moving forward right now... oh well...

ANYWAY, who cares about my boring life, certainly not me!!! what really matters is the online hobbies and interests i have taken a liking to, which there are plenty! 

been watching a lot of streamers over the past few weeks, though i don't typically bother watching them live. my current favorite is this dude named northernlion, which is some thirty-something bald guy who really loves roguelikes. unlike most streamers, where you can tell playing video games for the majority of their day has rotted their brains away, NL is crazy intelligent and has a really impressive level of knowledge that i could never dream of matching. he's a real funny guy, and i like him a lot! 

i also really like these streamers named squeex and chiblee, both of which are absolute hoots. i've noticed i really enjoy streamers that can make fun of themselves--squeex especially has a chat that literally just bullies him all the time, but it somehow makes him a lot more endearing because he takes it in stride and never lets it get to him. chiblee's just a funny dude. wow, isn't this riveting ?!

i've been gaming a shit ton over the past month or so. stardew valley, the popular farming sim, got a big update and it kickstarted my love for it again. i've been playing it with a friend and we've been very much enjoying ourselves. there's something sooo perfect about the game, and multiplayer makes it even better. i love it a lot!!

i've been buying a lot of other games, which i have come to the understanding that i should probably stop doing. it's not like they're crazy expensive or anything, because i only buy them in bundles or on massive discount, but my library has grown quite large and now i'm sporting a real overwhelming backlog. so many things i want to play, so little time, and buying more isn't helping!!!

maybe two weeks ago, i finished this game called disco elysium, and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since, so these the remainder of this post is dedicated to info dumping about it. buckle your seatbelts!

disco elysium is a roleplaying game in which you play a depressed, alcoholic cop with amnesia. you've got voices in your head and no idea what's going on, but you have to solve the case of a hanged man in the back of a hostel. you're joined by a cop from another precinct named kim, and you get to explore this small, dying town called martinaise as you go about figuring out the case. this description is very vague, but it's hard to go into detail about it... really hard...

what's so COOL about disco elysium is that while you are playing as an established character, since he has amnesia about himself and his past, you essentially get to create a lot of his personality. there are a bunch of different stats you can put points into, such as drama, logic, empathy, etc, which means you can make some really buff stupid guy or someone who is constantly measuring spaces and noticing details. there are also choices you can make in dialogue, which also contribute to your character. this is most notable in political options--you can be communist, fascist, neoliberal, anything at all! adding on to all of that, there are also these "thoughts" that you can only have a certain amount of, which also define you. the thoughts do contribute small bonuses, but the cooler part is they allow you to sort of roleplay this character--ie, you can have a thought about alcoholism, and come to a realization that you are going to try to be sober from now on. or you could completely ignore this thought, never do anything with it, and drink away your sorrows forever. it's a really neat system, because everyone who plays it will imagine a slightly different version of their character and who he is at the end!

throughout the game, there are constantly stat checks being made, via digital dice--think DnD style. this is most obvious in dialogue, but it also comes into play when you're just running around the town, as you might notice something you wouldn't have if your volition wasn't high enough... or etc. the writing in disco elysium is GORGEOUS, and it is so enchanting and engaging to read. there's this real sense of magic throughout the story, but it's not fantastical. disco elysium's world is not our world, so there's soooo much history and worldbuilding constantly being provided, and different stats provide different insights into the world, which also contributes to how you personally view the game and your character. 

it is genuinely and truly astounding how deep and complex the world of disco elysium is, and we get such a small fraction of it. you learn about wars, past saints and leaders, about the discovery of the world, about what's beyond it. you learn about people's pasts and the things they go through. you can literally have like 30 minute discussions with characters about who and why they are themselves. it is such a humanizing experience.

it's really hard to describe the game past these basics, and god i have tried. i've spent multiple hours sitting at a blank page and trying to gather my thoughts enough to write a coherent, meaningful reflection on disco elysium. plenty of others have done it, so why can't i? 

i don't think i can do it justice. it really feels like there are no words i can say that might truly translate the profound, deeply emotional nature of disco elysium. even writing this now feels silly, because i am thinking of the game and getting teary-eyed and realizing these words don't even express a fraction of it. disco elysium is a world built on despair, and it makes me really melancholic to think about. we don't get to see much of the greater world in the game, but the town of martinaise is falling apart, and desolate, and everyone in the town knows it, which makes it that much worse. but at once point you just have to accept it, and that's the real kicker, that you as the player know people are suffering and there is nothing that can be done about it. 

oh god, i'm hating everything i'm writing right now. anyway, SPOILER ALERT because i can't bother writing this generic mushy garbage anymore. 

there are SO many moments from disco elysium that have really stuck with me. even small quests carry so much weight to them. there's this one part where you're looking for a woman's husband, who was supposed to return home a few days ago. you finally find him, dead, on a small pier on the other side of town. so you have to go back and tell the woman her husband died. she asks you how long he was there before he was found, and if you have high enough empathy, it tells you: "if you say 'two days maybe' it will be etched in her mind forever." which is just such a deeply haunting line, oh my god. and then afterwards, you leave, and you never see her again for the rest of the game. it's just one tiny moment in this greater moment and you just have to move on from it. it's so damn heartbreaking.

i think the event that most resonated with me is about one of the side quests where you meet these cryptozoologists who are chasing this mysterious creature called the insulidian phasmid, some stickbug that has never been caught on camera before but they're certain is real. think bigfoot, or the yeti, or even aliens. stuff that the general majority of people have deemed bullshit. 

if you take them up on this quest, you can check the cages, talk to them about it, learn that the two cryptozoologists are a couple and actually met BECAUSE of this phasmid, like the old woman in a wheelchair saw it when she was little and then told it to the old guy when they were young adults, and they've been together ever since. essentially, you understand this phasmid has been a facet of their lives since they were young, and they've been on the search for it ever since. 

you get your hopes up when one of the cages is void of its locust bait, but then you learn the local troublemaker took them, so the phasmid didn't do it at all. there's this deep, awful sense of disappointment in telling the folks it wasn't the creature after all, and the woman basically admits she's lost hope. then that's it. 

when i was playing it, i was so certain the phasmid was real, because the devs wouldn't do that to us, right? wouldn't just bring it up and not actually make it true. i chose all the options that made harry (our character) certain it was real, because i believed. and then the quest ended without the phasmid, and the cages were still there but there were just locusts inside. i even checked them multiple times throughout the rest of the game but there was never anything else. so i resigned myself to the acceptance that it was another one of the disappointments of the world, that these things just weren't real. 

in one of the final scenes, you finally find the murderer of the hanged man, the one from the beginning of the game. and when you approach him and accuse him of everything you discovered, you find he's gone insane. and then when you go to arrest him...

THE INSULIDIAN PHASMID APPEARS. 

to say i was shocked is a gross understatement. oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. to see something like that, something i had genuinely given up on, was one of if not the most profound moment i've ever had in a game. it appears... and it's beautiful. and i don't know how to explain it any more than this, without the risk of it sounding any lamer, but this scene has stuck with me the most because i can remember the real, abject disappointment i had checking the cages and finally understanding it was not real. but it was, but it was. and the conversation you have with this phasmid is so honest and loving and innocent. it is just as intrigued at you as you are at it. there is a kinship, an understanding, a truth. oh my god...

i'm thinking about other scenes that have impacted me and there are so many, i could write about every single one and turn this into a 5-hour long read... as you play, you learn that your character, harry, had alcohol & drug-induced amnesia because he is so deeply heartbroken over a breakup with the love of his life. and you get tiny glimpses into this as the game progresses--a sleepy phone call via a number you somehow remember, an orange-scented gum wrapper. even the voices in your head refer to her with bated breath before reminding each other not to bring her up. 

one of the final scenes of the game is this dream-induced vision you have of the woman you lost. she's beautiful, and kind, and she's leaving. and you try desperately to stop her, and it's this grand realization of what you've been running from the entire game, what prompted this amnesia to begin with. this dream is the kicker, the ultimate punch in the gut, because she reminds you that you've had the dream before, and you'll have it again, over and over, and that she's been gone for years. but you never healed from it, never moved on, still wallowing in despair. it's so fucking sad, to finally figure out your past and realize you don't want to know it after all. to know there is inevitable sorrow waiting for you. 

at the end of the day, i'm not sure if disco elysium is hopeful or hopeless, and i wonder if it's possible to be both. when i think about the world of elysium i am filled with a real sense of despair, because so much of it is corrupt and awful and it is a lot like the real world. and seeing it through the eyes of this guy who has lost so much, has spent the last few years downing alcohol until he can't think anymore, really draws up an ugly picture. when i think about harry, i am deeply sad. 

but then there's the phasmid, this creature of discovery and life and new beauty beyond what is known. and there are the characters you say goodbye to, and the owner of the hostel even cleans up your room for you because he thinks you did good. and you get to shake the hand of this union gang leader who despised you at the beginning but genuinely respects you now, and you get to reconcile with your police squad, and even recruit the guy who you worked on the case with, because he thinks you're such a good detective. 

and there is a whole world, a whole lifetime left of possibilities for these people, and you set up a club for teenagers and discover a hole in the world and there is hope, inherent hope, because people have long continued through bleak times and come out stronger because of it. and there's this line you can paint on a wall: something beautiful is going to happen. is this a threat, a promise, or a dream? 

disco elysium is the most beautiful game i've ever played, and i don't know what to do now that it's over. oh my god....... 

i'll dedicate this final info-dump paragraph to my favorite character in the game and one of my favorite characters ever, kim kitsuragi. he's your temp-partner from another precinct, and he is so respectful and understanding. you do a lot of crazy shit throughout the game, because you're a crazy motherfucker! but kim always takes it in stride and guides you back on track when needed. he's not a pushover, though; he's serious and amusing and dedicated to his job. it's amazing how well they've written him. he is genuinely the best friend someone like harry could ever ask for. I LOVE KIM KITSURAGI!!

anyway, YEAH. disco elysium is... disco elysium. gorgeous game, life-changing experience, what more is there to say? i don't know how anyone could create something like that, could produce so many harrowing, meaningful moments. it's inspiring, in some ways, but it also leaves me feeling so hollow because how am i meant to even create a fraction of that? it's like the bar has been raised so high i can't even see it anymore. everything i've tried to do since has fallen awfully flat. oh well. i'm sure i'll move on.

thank you for reading! hopefully next post i'll be a bit more normal. we'll see :)

thriving in stagnation

heyo folks! hope you're having a good FEBRUARY. what the fuck?!? i know. time really just likes to speed on by.

i've been lazy about making another post because i don't have much to say... it's kind of funny that being less depressed means i have less to write about, isn't that strange? i feel like i should have so much to say and write and rant about (lovingly) but i just don't really have anything. 

i wish i did, because i'm sad i killed my semi-monthly streak of writing on this blog, and i worry a bit that it is over forever. or that i'll come back when i'm feeling like shit again, whenever that is. so it's a little bit of a double-edged sword; no posts means i'm doing better :D but also means i don't have much to come back to later on... 

i think it's just that time goes by so fast now, and when i'm not caught up in how dogshit i feel about myself and my life, there's not much time for thinking, either. i have so much to do!!! so many games to play or things to read or people to talk to and it just gets so BUSY in a good way. but i do think i should still find the time now and again to write on here, about anything at all, because even if i think it's boring and uneventful now, i'll surely enjoy looking back on it in the future. 

okay, general interests UPDATE!: 

i still love loki! but i'm not, like, thinking about him everyday like i did before. i keep up with comics he's in and feel allllll sorts of things about season 2 of the show, and i'm certainly going to keep collecting his comics, but it's not so intense anymore, which i certainly prefer. it's nice to like the character as a casual thing, something i still hold dearly to my heart but don't go rabid over. it's a good compromise.

over the last half year i listened to a ton of radiohead, which is weird to say because i don't think it was depression-based at all like memes like to say. radiohead certainly has sad songs and some real beautiful tracks, but i just like their stuff. i'm really fond of the bends and a moon shaped pool, which i am also aware literally no one on the internet considers their best work. oh well! but honestly i like almost everything they've made!

ugh i tried to continue hunter x hunter from like almost a year ago when i was trying to get into anime, but i stopped watching again. what's really funny is i stopped at the beginning of the bug arc and when continuing this past month or two, i ALMOST finished the bug arc but got so sick of it i had to stop again. for context, this one arc is like 40% of the entire show, oh my god. and it's really not even that good; i've found ALL the previous arcs to be INFINITELY more entertaining than this one. i guess i'll come back to it in another year. 

i've been super super into the same minecraft server i've written about a million times. i got an unexpected promotion in one of my roles on it and it just makes me realize again how much i love the people on the server and how much they like me too! as someone who's always had trouble putting myself out there into online communities, i am just so grateful, constantly, ALWAYS grateful that i've found such a family on this server. it's really silly to write it out like this, but it's been almost 3 years that i've been on this server, and i have no thoughts of leaving any time soon. this silly server has been my safe spot for the worst depression episodes of my life, and the people i talk to on there have been such comforts. the internet is a horrible place sometimes, but other times it really is exactly what you need in life. things are good, yknow?

on a similar note, a site i spent likely thousands of hours on in high school is shutting down at the end of this month (so in like 5 days). it was a pixel-making site and general chatting site, and the ways it has made me who i am today are truly uncountable. some of my greatest internet friends and my greatest obsessions have come from that site; i truly cannot emphasize enough how much that site affected me as a teen. i would never have made art if it wasn't for that site, and there are people i used to or still talk to from it that i cannot imagine my life without. 

so it's a funny, such a funny feeling that it's closing. i've never experienced this before... i just can't believe it's going to be gone. i haven't really played it for a few years but i'd always go on every few months to look at my stuff and chat and make some art. i thought it was going to be eternal, infinite, forever and ever. i used to wish it would close thinking it never would. 

i'm in a discord server with a lot of the people that also played it and it's so strange to see them and realize how much i don't fit into the general culture of that site anymore. for context, there was literally 0 censorship on that server and it mainly relied on people of higher "rank" mass-reporting things or people they didn't like; this is a gross generalization but it's important to understand how absurdly toxic the very grounds of this site was. i feel so incredibly lucky that my experiences on there were fairly tame because i'm sure there was and likely still are some real awful stuff and people on there. 

i never indulged in like... the real toxic side of it all or whatever that a lot of the players enjoyed, but i certainly never really fought against it, either. it was such a staple part of that game, that people just said the edgiest stuff that came to mind, that no one even thought much of it. but then, moving on to other things, like the minecraft server i now enjoy, and then looking back at this game i used to play, i realize how gross it all is. i guess it just comes down to people being children? i've matured? i guess it's nice to know i can now recognize how awful everyone is, but it makes me kind of sad, too, that i spent so long on that site talking to such hateful people. i like to think i turned out okay, though, at least morally.

but yeah, anyway, i long wished that site would end because i thought the community sucked, etc etc, but now actually facing the end, i'm nothing but sad. i think it'll be so strange to not be able to hop on whenever i need some nostalgia, you know? it makes me want to reconnect with those people on there, but then when i actually do, i'm just reminded again how like 98% of them suck. it's a sad little cycle. i'm just sad it'll be gone, because it really did define my high school years.

i'm taking a creative writing class right now and i really like it. i do like my writing and my general skills, but i'm shitty at every other step of the process, from planning to actually writing stuff down, to finishing. there are classmates that say "ugh i only get like 50 pages into books i try to write before i give up" and i'm sitting there, like, the longest thing i've ever written was like 15 pages and that was a fanfic i never even finished. it's crazy to see what others have accomplished, and it's really an eye-opener to what i want to achieve as a writer. honestly, since returning back to the world of fanfic writing, i've realized i really value creating stories for worlds that already exist, for people like me that crave more of them. there is definitely (perhaps objectively) more value to making your own world, your original work, and i'm not against that at all; in the future, i hope i have it in me to write something like that.

actually, over the few days i've been writing this blog post, we had an assignment in said creative writing class that apparently i did phenomenal in. this is literally just bragging, but the professor said in front of EVERYONE that mine was the only one he gave 100% to and his favorite out of all the others. isn't that crazy?!?! the way literally any praise from an authority figure sticks with me forever... i keep going back to the feedback he gave me (which is essentially "this is amazing! so good!") and just feeling soooo proud and fulfilled and pleased with how i did. he read it to the class and i noticed like a million little errors... lol. but it feels really really surprisingly good to be praised for something i think i'm actually good at, which is writing--i've spent a lot of my life pursuing subjects i don't think i ever had an affinity for, but writing is something i've always loved and it's so pleasant to take classes that pertain to this really beloved hobby. 

moving on... back when i was 12-14 i was super into dan and phil, the internet youtube duo sensation, and i've only been getting back into them over the past year or so, and it's so wonderful because they've grown and so am i. a lot of their viewers are like me, having grown up with them and now are older, and wiser, and generally less of a creep, so it's such a pleasant experience all around. it's really a deeply satisfying feeling to come back to things i used to love and regain my love for them again. i could never hate my younger self, because she is me and i am her. i hope she might look at me today and feel a sense of pride, at least a little. 

i bought a gaming pc off amazon back in like november or so, and it never really worked great (it's from a reputable company and whatnot so it's not like i got scammed or anything) but it did fine, but a few weeks ago it stopped working completely. and i know all i really have to do is call the company and tell them about it and they'll probably tell me to send it in and fix it for me, but oh my god the anxiety of doing it is killing me. i think there's a lot of different factors that come into play here, but it's mostly the fact that i feel like an idiot all the time with so many things and worry this random person on the other end of the line is going to judge me for my lack of pc knowledge, even though i also know the inherent act of calling a support hotline is revealing said lack of knowledge anyway. but still, i keep putting it off, this big hunk of a pc just sitting under my desk and a large monitor, dead behind the little shitty laptop i have returned to using, and i figure i could kind of go the rest of my life without a pc again, as i spent most of my life before, but i spent like 800 bucks on it. so i figure i'll call it eventually, i actually told myself yesterday i'd do it today, but it is now obvious i won't, and so i'm once again not sure when i will, if i will, but i MUST, but i can't. 

anyway.... yeah. i keep leaving this post because i hope to write more, but now i'm here and i think this is it, this is all i got for now, which is a good amount, but it's a little sad in an alarming way that all i tend to write about is my internet obsessions. i used to do sports, i used to do clubs, i used to do more than sit in bed or at my desk and type all day or game all day. i don't miss any of that, but i do recognize how... pathetic i've become now, even if i feel rather fulfilled overall. i hope you don't mind the sort of rambly tone i've taken on throughout this; i read somewhere that a staple of fanfiction is a lot of commas, and i do tend to use quite a few. i used to feel it came off as unpolished, but there's a certain kind of charm that comes with it, too, and i've found i rather dig it. 

but yeah. have a good day, week, etc, folks. i hope to write next month! someday! i'll be back, i'm sure. 

the wonderful world of writing (aka more loki hyperfixation!)

WROTE THE BELOW BACK IN LATE-OCTOBER (the 27th to be specific!). don't feel like much of it relates to myself as of now but don't want to lose it, so i'm just gonna go ahead and publish what i left over. it's all just loki talk, really, so not missing out on much!

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hello folks! i hope you're all doing well.

a lot has happened, and also nothing at all. something in the middle? it might depend on your idea of a lot. 

i got a JOB ... and i've KEPT that job over the past 3 months. it is at a godforsaken chuck e cheese... yes, i am 20 years old, yes i know, yes. but it's not so bad and they have me closing every shift i work which means it doesn't interfere with day stuff, so... honestly, i'll take it. i'll take what i can get. 

my job + an attempt at community college means i'm way busier than i used to be, which is a funny concept because i'm not really busy... but it feels insane just to balance TWO (three if you count my little mc server stuff!) things in my life when i often had one or even nothing going on. but i'm getting through it... sort of. 

all of what i wrote about last post is still true. i ADORE loki and have been furthering my knowledge of him over the past few months. i get weird about consuming media once i hit a certain threshold of information about it, so i've read less than i should about him. but i'm following current comics that feature him and also spend lots of time thinking about him and the way they've developed him over the years. if this sounds silly and a little lame, that's because it is - but i don't care! 

last post, i talked about loki having trauma. and i think this is really interesting because i haven't thought of him that way at ALL since. i wish i could better remember how i felt about loki at the time, cause it'd only been a few weeks since i'd fallen down the little loki rabbit hole. my opinion of him has changed surprisingly drastically, i think, which i didn't even realize until i'd read that post from june. 

in said post, i really valued loki's change from bad -> good. and i DO think that's what has always made modern loki such a beloved character; it's his potential for goodness, the fact that you can see he is troubled and wants to be different at times. but he always falls into the same box, always walks the same path. i guess it's sort of sad, but not really. it's his choice, after all, even when he's convinced it isn't.

but now, after the comics and MCU have both turned him into an almost completely selfless figure (the MCU more so), i've come to appreciate his potential for EVIL. is that weird? i don't want loki to be completely evil either, obviously, but to be just good is so boring. that loki CHOOSES to be good when evil is at his fingertips is the best version of him. to deny his love for chaos is to kill the character entirely. and it's now that i understand why so many people don't like the loki show. 

and that loki may choose evil when it furthers the story, that he picks self-preservation and his own interest over others, even those that he loves, THAT'S loki. and when he DOES choose to help or protect someone else, it's that much more powerful, because he's going against his entire character to do so. THAT'S LOKI! 

i don't think i'd realized the value of that in my previous post. it's easy to see loki as only what he is today, on his current path of righteousness. and, like i said, i don't mind it. i like good loki! but it's only because of bad loki that i can like good loki. and ignoring all that is just... ugh. what's even the point? 

hyperfixation update (spoilers; it's all loki!)

HEYA FOLKS.

lots of hyperfixation updates for ya today. no depression talk, finally; freedom at last!?

last post i wrote about being really into conan. this has unfortunately passed very quickly. i still like him a lot and watch videos of him sometimes but he isn't on my mind anymore. it was like 3 days of conan love and i've moved on...

the vast majority of this post will be about marvel and specifically loki. warning you in advance if you do not enjoy that type of stuff! it's mostly info-dumping because i feel bad forcing this on my friends more than i already have!

about half a month ago i wanted to see guardians of the galaxy 3, so i watched a bunch of the earlier movies to prepare for it. in the past, i'd seen tom holland's spider-mans, as well as dr. strange and a few other random ones here and there, but i'd never been that interested in the MCU. after watching gotg 1 and 2, i decided i wanted to see the second dr. strange movie, which required even more backtracking and preparation. one of these shows i watched to get ready was loki, which i ADORED...

it was my first experience with loki--i basically had no idea who the character was prior--and i just absolutely fell in love with the character. i thought the plot was interesting and it was a cool separation from the rest of the MCU (while also having huge massive implications for future plotlines). i also really liked mobius and found myself really enticed by his relationship with loki. i think there's something really endearing about the idea that loki could be ... softened by mobius, i guess. loki is such an evil little guy who is so traumatized by his life and the people around him (not victim-blaming though, loki has done some completely unforgivable things) that having someone completely outside of that all, who kinda just doesn't give a shit in the best way possible, seems like the perfect fit for loki. 

(obligatory paragraph break for readability's sake) (also some little spoilers in the next paragraph)

loki and mobius' relationship (and the potential direction i desire it to take) is surely better than what they've made of loki and sylvie. though i did like sylvie and thought she was cool! i just think loki and sylvie are trauma-bonded and desperate for someone they feel like they can trust, and i guess they've found that in each other. or maybe not trust... but at least they are both on the same wavelength, which is rather hard for lokis to find because they are such stinky creatures. plus i think it's a little heartbreaking that they've essentially acknowledged loki as a queer character and yet they've never actually given him a queer relationship... even in the comics, he hints at it and makes a half-assed move on a guy but that's IT. like CMON...

anyway, yeah, overall i really enjoyed the show and the direction it took and its ending. there's going to be a second season in errr... september, was it? no, i just googled it, it's october! wow! honestly, people are really harsh about the MCU and D+ shows and all that but i'm just happy to be here. it's all just bright colors and fast action and silly jokes that don't fit the mood and i dig it... maybe in 10 years i'll feel that cynical about it all, but hopefully not anytime sooner. 

i even ended up writing a short fanfic about loki (this is strangely embarrassing to admit), which was the first piece of writing i've finished in a long while. it's jumpstarted me back into another writing phase, mostly loki-related content, but i haven't been able to finish anything else. it's kind of funny because i told a buddy of mine who i hadn't talked to in a while that i was super into marvel, and he was like "i feel like being a marvel fan is worse than making weird fanfictions" like i.... am i in the worst of both worlds?? lol

anyway, i found myself especially engaged with loki, both his MCU-portrayal by tom hiddleston but also as a character in general. i watched all the MCU content with him in it and really loved it. it's weird going from the loki show where he's really just a mischievous trickster who can't do any real damage to the movies where he's a straight up villain. but i think they do a great job at giving him some real tough layers. he's a twisted, troubled, trapped character in all his forms. it's sad! that doesn't excuse that he killed thousands of people, but... he's a cutie, what can i say?

there's this comic trilogy series where loki is reborn as a sweet, benevolently mischievous kid, and it's utterly fantastic. it's super well-written and interesting and deeply moving to a level i could never have expected. the first part of the series is written by kieron gillen in the 2011 journey into mystery comic. it runs from issue 622 - 645. i really cannot express how much i was destroyed by JIM (in the best way, of course). it's really reminded me how much i used to want to be a writer in some capacity. i've forgotten how much written pieces of work can move me, and experiencing it in comic book form is another strange eye opener. i don't know; it just makes me want to return to my little creative side. 

something i really adored about kid loki's arc is that he and thor were best bros. this idea that thor can look past everything old loki did (which was a lot, as you might expect) and still completely love kid loki is fucked up in the most powerful and beautiful way possible. it's really made me fall in love with thor as well; he's such a good, kind, faithful brother. especially when kid loki expresses doubt about everything, thor is there to support and comfort him. i just want to write a million little domestic fics where they spend time with each other and bond. it makes me so melancholy!!

i will avoid spoiling anything, but gillen just puts the story together so well. he's a fantastic writer and uses some great language; i even learned some new words which is fun! overall, i just really love kid loki.

anyway, after JIM, kid-teen loki has a brief stint as a young avenger in the 2013 series. this was also written by gillen, and i don't like it as much. i think i'm kind of biased though because i don't really care about the other young avengers. plus, this one was much more like a regular modern comic, whereas JIM felt like it transcended all of that. it was still interesting though; the story was pretty cool and i did like the art! they also had a LOT of queer representation, which i will always appreciate. it probably didn't help that i read it so soon after JIM, because i was still in that weird, life-changed state of mind. i'd give it like a 7/10; there's an extra point in there because, well, i just love loki.

after YA, there was a loki-focused series called agent of asgard from 2014. this one was written by al ewing and loki is a young adult in it. it's SO GOOD. i think JIM will always take the cake for me (i love kid loki more than i could ever express) but AoA is amazing! loki wrestles with some real uncomfortable thoughts and struggles with the idea of destiny throughout. even the people around him expect and desire evil out of him, which is just so sad!! there's a huge plot point that i must avoid mentioning, so i can't fully express why this comic is so devastating, but i will just say there are a lot of heartbreaking twists. i also really loved the art for most of it! the ending of AoA is also just utterly fantastic and fucked me up as well. i really don't think they could have chosen a better, more cumulative and moving ending. god, i love it so much!!!

i've had this selection of comics in my mind since i read them (though YA at a much lesser level). i think loki is such an interesting and tragic character. gillen and ewing really breathe new life into him. i must state, once again, that i love kid loki so fucking much. i also adore all of asgard and the characters in it, especially thor. i just really enjoyed the fantasy aspect of it and how they coexist with the modern culture of our current world. it's fun to see kid loki in JIM wearing his little asgardian getup and holding a stark phone; it feels silly and yet fits so well. and then in AoA he's playing video games and still talking like a little royal shit. it's just such a creative world and allows for a great deal of possible scenarios. asgard fanfic? midgard fanfic? it can be either, or they can be mixed! woohoo!

those are all the comics i've read so far; i think i'm going to read some thor stuff because man, i just adore that guy. might also read some spider-man stuff because he's real cool as well. who knows; the possibilities are limitless!!

moving on... to the MCU. i've seen most of the main storyline movies at this point. i've avoided iron man, captain america, hulk, and ant-man's solo films so far, but i'm going to go watch them soon so i can have a full picture :) i just do not like iron man or ant-man at all!!!! but that's okay... we all must make sacrifices. i WILL endure tony stark's stupid mean banter and ant-man's entire existence... actually my least favorite character is hawkeye because he's literally just an archer, and i'm sorry, but that is so uncool... where was i going with this?

so yeah, i've been watching a ton of movies. i really loved thor: ragnarok specifically, which is just such a fun little romp. i adore thor and think chris hemsworth is the most attractive man alive, so that definitely contributed to it, but it was just really nice and silly, especially compared to the desaturated, dull film that was thor: the dark world. and of course, having loki not be the bad guy is always fun. finally, i can root for him!

i've also been watching a ton of interviews, especially ones with either tom hiddleston or chris hemsworth, and i just love both of them so much. tom is very soft spoken and polite and british and cute, and chris is very funny and so attractive!! good lord! and in PRIDE month, too... i feel like i'm a disgrace to the lgbt community. but yeah, i just love hearing them speak about stuff, especially if it's a more humorous interview. this also applies to the entire MCU cast; they're all so much fun. i'm also really interested in owen wilson, who plays mobius; i love his accent and demeanor and he's really charismatic. this has been what's taking up most of my days...

uhhhhh okay i think that's all i have about loki & the MCU. for NOW. 

on another note, i'm still deeply in love with that minecraft server i've written about in the past. i hold quite a few staff roles at this point, and it brings me great joy. i also very recently got a promotion in one of the roles, which i am very excited about! it is silly, of course, but there's something that makes me a little emotional about the idea that people noticed my efforts and appreciated them, even if it's just a mc server. i'm deeply engrained and indebted to this community; people know me and i know them and they enjoy my presence. it's so sweet. it helps me continue forward!

otherwise, there's not much going on! i gotta get a job... LOL yikes. i'll figure it out, i'm sure.

that's all from me today! i love loki!! have a great day!

time goes on (and a conan ramble)

TW; depression and a bit of suicidal smattering

~

helloooo folks! been almost two months!? i guess i didn't feel i had much to say. it is kind of disturbing how time moves. it makes my stomach hurt so bad. 

OK INTENSE DEPRESSION TIME (i'll let you know when it's done): 

there has always been a sense of regret in my life. since i was a child, i think. and it makes me deeply fear change. i really do cling onto the good things i have in my life and am terrified to potentially let them go. at the same time i have this silly self-sabotaging expectation that i will end up unhappy, and therefore i feel i need to further cling onto the things i already have, thus destroying the things i COULD have. 

okay this is crazy because like... i feel like i've never even thought of that before. have i just therapied myself? 

i think the real core of the issue lies at the fact that i don't really feel a need to fundamentally change. i like who i am generally, personality-wise. i think i'm pretty friendly and kind when i want to be. and i like my living conditions; i love my mom a lot. and i, of course, like taking easy courses and not working and imagining that i can just continue on from my failures, as i always have. and when i am faced with the inevitable burden that is an endless future, i just think "it's fine, i'll kill myself when i get there." 

i don't understand how people do it. people like my mother and father, the people i know online, everyone around me. they continue on and move forward and dedicate their lives to unhappiness. have i set my expectations too high? is it just life that i am going to have to settle? it's such a silly feeling because i know that i am so lucky to even have this dilemma. but i feel so deeply empty that the idea of staying this way and simply living with it feels truly impossible. 

but i am so scared that things might get worse, that i might lose the few parts of my life that bring me joy, that i'm incapable of trying new things. i don't know what to do with myself. everything i do feels like i am simply delaying the inevitable. 

i think the world is really beautiful at night. there's comfort in the silence, in being alone. and yet life goes on!!!! i think it is so sad that we all must move forward always. i wish i wasn't constantly wasting time. it feels like there is never a real moment to waste. and this horrible feeling makes me stay petrified. 

OKAY DEPRESSION TIME OVER

it's actually been about 20 days since i wrote the above. depression is hard because sometimes it feels so strong i can barely think of anything else, and then as soon as i've escaped the little funk i'm in, it's so hard to remember and equally hard to return to. i've come back now to write about something completely different. still in a bit of a depressed mood but in a different way. wow, who could have guessed there's so many facets to mental health! my genius truly surprises me each and every day.

time is weird, i can barely identify what's changed over the past 20 days. for some reason (i say as if i don't actively know the reason) i have an extremely overwhelming urge to try and be funny. or clever. or something a little more lighthearted than usual.

i've been listening to some conan o'brien lately, and SURPRISE! i adore him. another white man to add to my list of pitiful obsessions. i already appreciated him before (he's right smack in the middle of all my other little snl white boy loves), but it's only in the past few days that he's really been on my mind. his podcast is really great and i've been watching some of his older stuff. he's so funny and talented and quick-witted. it's everything i wish i was. 

something i've identified in him (and all my other male heart-tugs) is his confidence. he's even a little mean sometimes, but only when he knows the other person is in on the joke. i get the idea that a lot of comedy folks question if they're really funny or not, but they must know to some extent that they're on a level above everyone else, right? maybe it's just me and my anxiety-riddled brain, but i find myself deeply enamored by people who know they're funny and actually are. emphasis on that final point - if it was only the first, i'd be swooning over every college boy and twitch streamer i see. though i kind of do...

anyway, i've found his past to be really interesting. it's kind of funny how my perception of age has shifted since learning about him. never in my life did i think i'd be under the impression that 30 yrs old is really young, but somehow that's one of my biggest takeaways from all of this. he did all that at 30??? goddamn!!! it's hella attractive... yeesh.

anyway, as i did my little digging (as i often do... pip remains in my heart...) - okay, i must interrupt here. have i NEVER written about my love for the mysterious '90s e-zine pip? this is absurd... i will get to that later.... - i, yknow, go to conan's past. his writing era on snl. his first late-night show where he was so visibly nervous. that one review that absolutely decimated him in '93. the subsequent, profoundly supportive review by the same journalist in '96. and thus i get to the harvard lampoon. 

and i'm struck with this realization that these people are my age and ... wait, are they funny? i think so, in a way. okay i'm coming to a secondary, less-profound-but-equally-depressing-realization. is my humor ruined by super mario 64 speedrunners and adhd streamers who can't go a second without doing silly goofy boi-oi-oing noises to appease their little monkey brains? 

okay, that's not the point. anyway. if i am to believe these harvard lampoon folks are funny, which i suppose they are, or at least far more open to humor than i can ever be, it's like... who even am i? do i even breach the baseline for humor? i value humor above almost all else. in others and in myself. and it's not like i ever thought i was really funny or anything. but suddenly i understand i really am NOTHING. i ain't funnier than the twitter folks and i ain't funnier than some college students who poured all their efforts into an attempt at a humorous competition newsletter. i'm not a writer, nor an artist, nor a musician. WHAT AM I?????????????????????????

it is in these moments that i should want to do something productive. learn a skill, do good in classes, get a career, meet the love of my life, be out there, enjoy my days. accept that i am not great, as most of us are not. but my chest hurts at this thought, at the idea of accepting the mundane. at a domestic existence. which is almost ironic, because it leads me to do nothing. i am neither moving forward in a productive, if not dull, manner, nor trying to be something bigger. i'm in a little jelly-filled limbo where time is still ticking. this is actually sort of the same thing i was talking about 20 days ago. the worst feeling! 

i really do love conan. he's so cool. i think he is absurdly attractive (though i must admit there is this one picture i saw of him that truly does strike fear into my heart. he just looks so scary in it. i will refrain from describing it (he's just looking into the camera at some red carpet event), so that you don't have to experience the same terror i did). but after i read some harvard lampoon, of which i still have mixed feelings on (though that may be in part due to my crippling cynicism and inability to accept others), i felt a little arrow pierce my chest. the always-moving, never-faltering arrow of DEPRESSION! hence my return to this accursed blog. 

yeah........... nothing ever changes.

an unsurprising update

 tw; DEPRESSION (WHAT A SHOCKER). also a smatter of suicidal nonsense 

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YO FOLKS been a month, goodness. time really does fly. it's hard to remember how things felt in the past, but i can't imagine it went by so quickly. it's disturbing, genuinely, how fast everything is happening. i don't like to think about it. 

i'm still with my mom, taking a few general knowledge classes, having a pretty good time. there's one class that i have, like, 15 missed assignments in because i do not enjoy it but it's too late to drop, so that's a huge source of anxiety because i'm just letting it build up like a dumbass. nothing ever changes. 

i was feeling really good last post, but i'm back to being a depressed loser. i see everything and everyone growing and changing around me and i'm just so stagnant. i don't even know if i want to change, but it feels pointless to exist like this. 

i genuinely cannot imagine my future. visualizing anything makes me feel genuinely suicidal. it's definitely sort of a cop-out avoidance method but the pain i feel in my stomach and head and the utter, like, EMPTINESS i feel is so disturbing. it's such a crazy thing to think and say, but i mean, realistically, if i have no desire to change, and if i contribute nothing to society or anyone else, is there really a point in me being alive? i feel like i am just prolonging the inevitable. an infinite expanse of disappointment and sadness (which is entirely my fault). being a burden on everyone and everything and contributing nothing back is just being a parasite. 

depression is weird. it's strange because anyone that sees my lifestyle would think it's fairly obvious; a lack of sunlight and exercise and socializing and general goal-setting has caused me to be this way. and i think that's certainly a valid hypothesis; but i did all those things in high school (minus the socializing, though i had a much more vibrant online life than i do now) and was still utterly unhappy and depressed. and if it really is some sort of "chemical imbalance" in my brain, that's just even more confusing. 

honestly, maybe i take comfort in being this way. it's a feeling to return back to, as much as i hate it. my anxiety and depression have caused me to be detrimentally self aware, to the extent where i literally overthink EVERYTHING. and i see others be calm and happy and satisfied with their quirks, good and bad, and that feels impossible to me. to live a life without constant embarrassment and analysis. o, woe is the chronically online, who literally cannot function in normal society. or maybe that's just me. 

ANYWAY... time for the glorious HOBBY UPDATES! if you can even call them hobbies, i don't know. 

as i mentioned in my previous post, i have been super into anime! it feels so overdue; i don't know how this phase only started now. but i'm glad it did, because i've been really loving it! since my last update, i watched bocchi the rock, which i absolutely adored!!!! i also rewatched yuri on ice (from my middle school days) and thought it was just as fantastic as i remembered. the music in particular is so hauntingly beautiful; the two songs that have really stuck with me are "passacaille in barcelona" and "prism"; both are stand-alone gorgeous pieces.

i watched ouran high school host club, which i thought was kind of nauseating at the beginning but really grew on me by the end. it's so strange how the characters that i thought were slightly charming at best transformed into such lovely, powerful people. it's such a wonderful show. out of all the anime i've seen thus far, OHSHC is certainly the most comforting. 

after that, i watched serial experiments lain, which was such an aesthetic masterpiece (though the story definitely went over my head). i couldn't find another show to get into for a few weeks after SEL; i got about halfway through nichijou but didn't find it that entertaining (though i'm sure i'll finish it later). then, about a week ago, i decided to try hunter x hunter, and i ADORE it. i really had no idea what to expect, and it exceeded everything i could have imagined by far. it's such an engaging and beautiful show. i'm less than a quarter of the way through and loving every second... killua and gon are so wonderful, and i gotta say, the design for illumini is just superb... highly recommend watching - the hype is absolutely deserved !!!

other than anime, i've of course been engaging in my ONLY other hobby: good ol' vidyo games. i got into celeste a few weeks ago and really grinded it out; i managed through sheer willpower (and the occasional walkthrough) to finish all the b-sides. but i fear the c-sides might be too far beyond my skill level for determination to carry me through, so i'm taking a break for the time being. 

i'm still very engaged in my little minecraft server. it's something that really keeps me going. everyone is so nice and encouraging and really make me feel welcome and appreciated. it's crazy that i used to want that same feeling from a toxic browser game; this minecraft server has genuinely changed my life. i've always found it hard to insert myself into already established communities, and i just feel such an insane sense of luckiness that i managed to do so here. people LIKE me, isn't that insane??? it's so wonderful!!!

okay, i think that's all! nothing ever changes (but in a slightly more comforting way). hopefully i'll have something more eventful to talk about next time, though i doubt it. thanks for reading folks, and have a good night. o/